Asking For Help is Not a Sign of Weakness

"When I was younger, so much younger than today ... I never needed anybody's help in any way

But now these days are gone, I'm not so self-assured?... (And now I find) now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down...And I do appreciate you being 'round

Help me get my feet back on the ground...Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me" - John Lennon/ Paul McCartney

We had 38 women leaders and 7 men in the room. Zoom room. They joined with the Beatles music playing. The song had been spinning around in my head for days "Won't you please, please help me."

"Can you share a scenario where you asked someone for help? Did it strengthen or harm your relationship with that person?"?we asked.?

"What about a time when someone came to you because they wanted to learn something that you have a lot of expertise in. How did you perceive their request for 20-30 minutes of your time?"

In running sessions for years that hold the space for people to help people; after all, isn't that the base of what mentoring really is, I see the goodwill out there. The sheer joy in giving and receiving help. People realize we are all part of this human condition with our highs and lows and messy path to success. People realize they are not alone. Oxytocin increases.?

BUT WE ARE AFRAID TO ASK. And we might associate asking for help with physical pain.

"Few of us enjoy asking for help. As research in neuroscience and psychology shows, the social threats involved—the uncertainty, risk of rejection, potential for diminished status, and inherent relinquishing of autonomy—activate the same brain regions that physical pain does. And in the workplace, where we’re typically keen to demonstrate as much expertise, competence, and confidence as possible, it can feel particularly uncomfortable to make such requests," states author Heidi Grant in?Harvard Business Review . WOW!?

She also adds "Your performance, development, and career progression depend more than ever on your seeking out the advice, referrals, and resources you need. In fact, estimates suggest that as much as 75% to 90% of the help coworkers give one another is in response to direct appeals."

I see it all the time especially people who are in workplace transitions. They need help from their networks to get a job or contract. They need people to open doors, to refer them, to be a lighthouse illuminating a path not yet seen.?But for many reasons shared above I also see people not wanting to bother others and not offering help (unless asked). This happens with young doctors in surgery where deadly mistakes can be made by not asking a more experienced doctor for advising help. Productivity decreases. Loneliness and social isolation increase. Especially these past 14 months.

At?Twomentor , our pre-Covid survey research has shown that less than 30% of professionals agree with the statement "Do you have someone you can go to on an ongoing basis for professional advice?"?And, less than 10% of people view that they are helping (mentoring) others at work.?

We believe in?a?helping revolution?where we, yes we, engineer the act of safe helping of each other. After all,?it does take TWO to make things go right! ME + YOU = WE (10x Stronger)

"What can I say in a LinkedIn message to ask people for help?" a senior executive Shana* asked me. She wasn't having a lot of luck in her job search after a tough 14-months for her consulting practice.?

I encouraged her to not use LinkedIn (and I am a huge LinkedIn fan). I encouraged her to get on the phone with people she admires and people she has worked with in the past and share authentically where she is at. Where she needs help.?

Yesterday she wrote to me sharing how humbled she is by all the people now helping her. We?discussed follow-up, follow-through on the leads/intros people are making, and how to best keep people in the loop on her career search progress. I hope she has a long list of people to thank once she lands her dream job in a great job market.

She overrode ego, fear, pride, and now is getting the real help that she needs. Someday, she will pay that forward to others. We have all been there in sometimes desperate times of need. I know I have been there, many times. We are more powerful than we realize. We are networked.?We see each other's value and values. We can experience share,?open doors,?listen, learn, give, receive, offer?help.

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Julie Silard Kantor is CEO of?Twomentor, Managed Mentorship + Sponsorship Solutions. She is passionate about elevating women and diversity in the workforce,?driving Millennial + GenZ engagement and retention through customized mentorship and sponsorship strategies that drive metrics-based ROI. To schedule a conversation, mentor training, or discuss a speaking engagement, please contact us through [email protected]