'Do they pay you to do that?' He said.

Children show the greatest insights

I’ve been reflecting on a conversation I had with my son, Ellis, last year. He had been to see me speak at The Royal Armouries in Leeds. A short while after the talk, just as we were getting into the car to make our way home, he turned to me and asked, “Dad, do they pay you to do that?”

“Yes, son,” I replied. What Ellis said next took my breath away:

“But it’s just a chat, like I talk to my mates in the playground.”

He is absolutely right. It is just a chat. And yet…one of the most common mistakes that people make, is not realising this truth. Where adults have a tendency to complicate matters through overthinking, children still have their natural ability to see things as they are.

Learn from your best conversations

The greatest conversations bring people together and that’s why we are so comfortable chatting to our friends; we already have a strong bond with them. What lessons can we learn from this?

We are fearless

While some people are more reserved than others, we all let our guards down to some degree when we chat to our friends. There is a relationship between all members of the group, which is based on trust, shared experience, intimacy, and common ground. Hold on a minute! That relationship has been built up over time. What about the first conversation?

When a friendship is formed, the process involves a gradual lowering of barriers. Step by step, more thoughts, feelings and ideas are shared. Through this exchange of minds, trust and understanding are built. It is an enjoyable process.

Speaking to a small, medium or huge audience is no different. Always keep in mind that they want the conversation to go well just as much as you do. They want to be stimulated, provoked, informed or amazed by what you have to say. They want you to succeed. There is no reason for fear. The odds are stacked in your favour. The audience wants you to be their friend.

We look our friends in the eye

When you observe friends in conversation, what do you notice? They face each other. Sometimes they will even be leaning towards each other. Above all else, the speaker will be looking at the person or people they are speaking to. The person or people who are listening will be looking at the speaker. It is a two-way thing. It’s part of the conversation.

We look at people when we are talking to them for a number of reasons. Firstly, it makes it clear to them that we are interested in them, that we are sharing something with them. That creates intimacy. And we are interested in them. We are interested in their interaction. Their body language and facial expressions will tell us a lot about how they are receiving what we have to say. Do they understand? Has it grabbed their attention or are they bored stiff? Do they look as though they want to come in with their thoughts?

A public talk is no different. You cannot look every member of the audience in the eye but you can actually created the same effect. Look into the audience, even if you can’t see anything because of the lighting. If you can see them, pay attention. Do they look like they are enthralled?

It’s the little things we share

Friends share things. That is how trust is built. If nobody ever shared anything, how many real bonds would be built? We all learn from each others’ experiences. When we share intimate details, we are reminded of our humanity. No matter how strange your experience is, somebody somewhere will relate to it. They will appreciate your story.

Depending on the type of talk you deliver, you may invite members of the audience to share their experiences. Even if you only ask for a quick show of hands or for one person to relay a short story, you are creating a two-way conversation.

Have fun with it

A small amount of appropriate humour will go a long way. Friends don’t have to work at this. It is the most natural thing in the world to them. Why? Because they are relaxed, open-minded, responsive and spontaneous.

From the moment you step out in front of an audience, you are building a relationship with them. As that relationship develops and any ice is broken, you will have more of a feel for each other. Moments for humour will present themselves or perhaps some of the things you have included in your talk are already hilarious. The more relaxed you are, and the more at home you are with your audience, the more effective will be your delivery of these gemstones.

Be yourself

Do any of your friends have a ‘telephone voice’? You know what I mean. As soon as they answer the phone, they become someone else. Sometimes the telephone voice sounds quite ridiculous. Even if it sounds genuine, it can start to slip as the call progresses.

Friends don’t try to put a front on. They celebrate each others’ similarities and differences. Friends accept each other, warts and all. We are not all identical. That’s what makes us special.

The best speakers are those that can be themselves in front of an audience. That doesn’t mean not being mindful of stage presence - body language, tone of voice, pace of delivery. It is a performance. But it is a natural performance. Grabbing onto the pulpit for dear life, with eyes fixed on a piece of paper, reading a script, is not a natural performance.

Practice makes improvement

We don’t have to practice friendship. It is a skill that we learn from childhood. Practice is constant and ongoing.

Public speaking does take practice. Some people go their entire lives avoiding it. I can understand. I was terrified of speaking. For years. Since I embarked on my journey as a professional speaker, I have grown a great deal; not only as a speaker but as a person. The work is never done. There is always room for personal development.

Before you stand up on a stage, make sure you know the subject matter inside-out. Prepare yourself mentally and physically. Practising your presentation will reveal the areas where you need more work. Visualising the actual performance, as though you are standing in front of the audience, will actually become a real memory in your mind, reinforcing your other efforts.

Child’s play

Ellis showed a lot of insight when he described my public talk as being like a chat with his mates. He went on to deliver his own talk in front of 3000 people, at the tender age of eight!

Learn from your friendships. We are all speakers at heart.