Do parents really have a right to spy on their kids?

Adolescence is that complex stage of life when we move from seeing our parents as an absolute authority to an absolute hindrance in our development.

In the evolution of the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood, very few things have generated as much change in the last decades as the progress of technology.

In a very few years, many parents have gone from seeing their children as fragile creatures in need of protection, to virtual rocket scientists capable of understanding and managing electronic devices better than themselves, as though being born into the digital age had somehow endowed them with computing knowhow. The sad truth is that our children are not geniuses: technology has simply become so simple to use that even we adults could understand it if we spent a little time and energy on the topic.

In this supposedly unequal battle between parents and teenagers, there are all kinds of scenarios, usually characterized by parents who try to use technology to control what their children do, and children who try to use technology to evade that control. Knowing you can communicate with your children at any time is a comfort. But for children, it is an attempt to control them, and one they will do their best to evade. After two decades, the pattern is well-established: parents sending messages and calling their children, who either ignore those messages, don’t pick up, or claim that they ran out of battery.

A British father, fed up with such excuses, has developed an Android app, ReplyASAP, which sets off an alarm effectively shutting down the phone until the child finally answers. Other attempts to keep track of children include shared location on Google Maps or Find My iPhone. The debate on whether the use of such applications to monitor what teenagers are up to is right or not, in times of insecurity, terror attacks and constant concern, seems to be settled in favor of parents: after all, they pay for the phone… There’s an article in The Guardian today called “Of course parents have a right to spy on their kids””… Meanwhile, teenagers are still looking for ways to claim their independence by uninstalling such applications, or claiming the technology doesn’t work. And when all else fails, turning their phones off.

Nothing has changed over the years: no technology, no matter how sophisticated, can replace a good relationship with one’s children. In any relationship there will be disagreements, but this has nothing to do with technology and much to do with common sense: it is all part of the process of growing up and developing into adults. Monitoring applications should only be used with the agreement of the teenager, firstly because he or she can disconnect it or generate errors, and secondly, because it is a matter of respect. An app that tries to unconditionally force a teenager to answer a message from their parents on pain of seeing their smartphone turn into an alarm and disabled for any other use may be tempting for some parents of children who habitually ignore their messages, but is not going to do much for their relationship.

As has always happened, technology is not going to fix a poor upbringing. It makes no sense for parents to use technology to spy on their children: no one can be expected to live knowing they are being constantly monitored, and an arms race never ends well. All relationships are made up of two parts, each with its duties and responsibilities, and ignoring this is simply a recipe for disaster. Before thinking that technology can solve the problems in a relationship, it is better to talk, and keep on talking.

(En espa?ol, aquí)