Do I stay or do I go?

Dear Team Joy,

I have shifted this LinkedIn Newsletter to be monthly.

If you would like to continue to receive my weekly newsletter with insights on how to bet on yourself to create the professional life you want, subscribe here.

A client, who also enjoys this newsletter, encouraged me to share more behind the scenes content from my work.

He shared with me, "Before I met you, I didn't even really know what coaching was, or how it could help me. I think sharing more of what you do, could help others learn more about what coaching actually is. "

We are leaning into that experiment today.

Below is a real client profile (with the name changed) and the big questions we explored during our coaching session together.

As you read this week's newsletter, I encourage you to reflect on how you navigate similar decisions in your own life.

Client profile:

I have changed the name of this client. All other characteristics and contents from this session are real.

Fake name: Andrew

Professional role: Manager at large corporation

Orientation toward coaching: Never worked with a coach before, not even clear on how coaching can help. Believes coaching might be a waste of time.

Dominant professional feeling: I feel like I am just surviving.

The consuming question: Do I stay or do I leave?

Actions taken on his own before coaching to solve his problem: Made a pros and cons list. Began looking at external job postings.

Maybe you can relate to Andrew. Maybe you have even been in Andrew's shoes (I certainly have).

If Andrew's professional life were a case (shoutout to my management consultants), this would be the problem statement:

He knows something is not working. He's not clear if he needs to make big changes or small changes (he's hoping it's small). He is just starting to admit to himself that he is more than the "normal" amounts of unhappy in his professional life.

He has already made his pro and con list, but I am the first person he admits this to...

"I realize I don't know what I want. I feel like I am just surviving here. I have invested so much in this job, but I can't see a clear path forward. I began looking at external roles and then I got overwhelmed. I just keep ruminating on this question, do I stay or do I go?"

Do I stay or do I go is one of the most common questions I hear as a coach.

This is where I like to begin:

Step 1: What's working?

Often when we get to the point of "just surviving" all of the reasons we are staying feel far away. But there's a reason why we haven't shifted the status quo. There are things we like. If it's universally terrible we leave. It's when it's murky that we get confused.

Andrew's answer: I enjoy the content of what I work on. I love that it's fast paced. I find comfort in the fact that I already know how to do the job.

Step 2: What's not working?

Sometimes its helpful to open the emotional release valve and share everything that doesn't work for you.

Andrew's answer: I don't see myself at the next level. I often feel out of control. I work with people I don't like very much.

Step 3: What's your timing?

If you think about the important vs. urgent matrix, we have already discussed what's important in the first two questions. Now we are on the urgency axis. Do you need to get out of there tomorrow? Or if you are still navigating this question in 6 months does that feel ok?

Andrew's answer: I am not in a rush.

Ok this is helpful. Often we don't have to make moves tomorrow, we just need to signal to ourselves that we are taking our own emotional reality seriously, and this will start easing our internal tension.

Step 4: Let's paint the perfect picture.

After learning more about what he was (and wasn't) happy with, I made up a role that I thought would meet the values and structures he was solving for. I then asked him if you knew you were going to this type of role, what would you be sad to leave in your current role?

Andrew's answer: I wouldn't feel sad, I would feel relief.

He audibly took a big breath.

This is very telling. Once he imagines a viable situation where he could get more of his needs met, and began to believe he could actually have it, then he's not sad or scared to leave anymore. This signals to me his inner wisdom is telling him he doesn't want to stay...he is just scared to leave.

But whatever momentary relief Andrew feels from imagining himself in a different role, is soon consumed by fear. But what if the other place has layoffs, what if I don't like the other people there either?

All valid concerns that are worth exploring. Fear usually cozily slides itself right in next to change. But if you can acknowledge the fear, it might create some space to locate another emotion...excitement.

Step 5: What would be exciting to you about stepping into a new role?

Andrew's answer: Learning a new industry, maybe even exploring a new city. I would be excited to learn again.

As we began talking through what this might look like, it was the first time in our session that I saw Andrew's body language shift from closed, scared, and frustrated to playful and animated. He began to let himself dream (even if just for a moment).

Andrew's next steps:

We ended our session there, and his homework ahead of our follow-up session was to begin making his comprehensive list for what he is internally solving for in his next role. Once he is clear on what is important to him, he will have a much easier time sifting through external options.

The takeaways:

We end each coaching session with takeaways.

This was Andrew's, "I both look forward to, and am really scared of new things."

Here are some of mine:

The conscious question Andrew is ruminating on is, do I stay or do I go?

Andrew is afraid to leave, but he is also afraid to stay. His dominant emotion surrounding work is fear.

This is common amongst high-achievers. We are afraid of making mistakes.

Andrew is looking for the "right" intellectual answer to avoid making the wrong choice.

But Andrew hadn't yet explored his own answers. How does this job make him feel today (physically, emotionally, spiritually)?

By exploring these questions, he began to find more of his own answers.

When we don't trust our own feelings, we don't trust our answers.

And if we don't trust our own answers we certainly aren't ready to take action on them. We get stuck in cycles of rumination. With matters of the heart, and big life decisions there often isn't a "right" answer. There is just our answer.

While Andrew thinks over staying or going, I sense the question he is trying to solve is closer to:

"I feel bad, I feel like I am just surviving. What do I need to do to feel good again?"

By asking "What do I need to do to feel good again" Andrew will begin tuning into and solving for his own lived experience. This question puts his well-being front and center, and as he takes actions to make himself feel good, he will begin reclaiming authority over his own life. He will be able to look at himself in the mirror and say, "I got you."

And that my friends, is what coaching is all about. ??

I would love to hear from you: What's your takeaway from this session?

Much love,

Isabel

P.S. If you are interested in exploring these topics deeper in community, check-out the Activate overview.