Do I Say I Do?

David W Palmer

(Matthew 19:3–6 NKJV) The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” {4} And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ {5} and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? {6} So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Scripture makes it clear that the motivation behind the Pharisee’s question in this passage was to test Jesus. They asked him, “Is it lawful …?” Perhaps they wanted Jesus to discuss the law, as this was their area of expertise. If they could get him into the realm of legalism and legal debate, they felt that they would have the upper hand. However, Jesus came to reveal God not to engage in frivolous intellectual contests and combative mental gymnastics. Listen to what the Holy Spirit says about such focus:

(1 Timothy 1:4 NKJV) Nor give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which cause disputes rather than godly edification which is in faith.

(Titus 3:9 NKJV) But avoid foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and useless.

Rather than engage the Pharisees in their legalistic, intellectual arena, Jesus stayed focused on “godly edification, which is in faith.” In other words, he came to build and encourage people; his objective was to edify and build people’s faith in God, not to enter disputes and strivings about the law. So in verses 4–6 of our opening passage, he stated God’s truth in love.

Jesus concluded his first answer by saying, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” Next, the Pharisees went for what they thought was their intellectual “knockout punch” in their legalistic bout:

(Matthew 19:7 NKJV) They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?”

Jesus’s answer to the Pharisees question about divorce exposed the foolishness of their disputes and “strivings about the law”; it exposed their hard hearts, but it also revealed God’s heart for marriage:

(Matthew 19:8 NKJV) He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.”

Obviously, God’s dream for marriage involves soft hearts, not hard ones. In Mark 4, Jesus warned us that hard hearts lose the precious seed of his word to the enemy; so he is obviously against us having hard hearts. The same applies in the marriage relationship; God wants marriage partners to be softhearted, gentle, and open to each other. The language of marriage is love—not intellectualism, debate, and point scoring.

Temporarily, God had allowed divorce under the law to protect good, honest, humble people (of either gender) from cruel, selfish, hardhearted marriage partners. But in Jesus, God was about to introduce a new covenant in which grace would be available to everyone—through faith (Rom. 4:16). Soon, every believer in Jesus would be able to access and find grace to be loving, humble, and softhearted like him.

God’s dream for marriage has always been for it to be a union of love and romance—a taste of heaven on earth. In truth, God wants marriage not only to represent Jesus’s relationship with his church, but also to be in reality a bastion of heaven’s love and romance on earth.

So in his response to the Pharisees’ legalistic justification for their own hardhearted attitudes to all people, including spouses, God’s Son turned up the conviction heat on their hearts. He was obviously hoping to bring them—through repentance from their intellectual religious view of God—into a genuine relationship with him:

(Matthew 19:9 NKJV) “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

(A note here on what this means. Perhaps we could translate this passage thus: “I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except it be for sexual impurity, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who uses this law to gain a divorce from her husband (unless he has sinned in sexual impurity) commits adultery.”)

The disciples had witnessed this exchange—with its temptation to “strive about the law,” and its firm but loving response from their Master. Now they had their own question about marriage:

(Matthew 19:10 NKJV) His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”

Their statement and veiled question implies that they thought marriage wasn’t exactly a bed of roses. They must have been steeped in a culture that viewed marriage as a selfish opportunity—a one-way street of pleasure. Perhaps they used Moses’s “divorce clause” as a form of control—like a big stick to warn their partners: “Keep giving me pleasure or you’re history.” Thus, they couldn’t see how marriage could be permanent or worthwhile without this law to hold over a spouse who wasn’t living up to their expectation. They must have been so used to the “escape clause” that they couldn’t face the prospect of being trapped without it.

How would Jesus respond in God’s love while maintaining his focus on God’s mission for his life? He picked up on their last phrase: “It is better not to marry.”

(Matthew 19:11–12 NLT) “Not everyone can accept this statement,” Jesus said. “Only those whom God helps. {12} Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”

Jesus didn’t really tackle the softhearted, loving marriage topic here; he seemed to speak only to the “it’s better not to marry” point. Maybe, in his heart was something the Holy Spirit later expanded:

(1 Corinthians 7:1, 7, 32–33 ISV) Now about what you asked: “Is it advisable for a man not to marry?” … {7} But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. … {32} But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. {33} But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife.

Paul may seem to be against marriage, but he clearly gives his reason for his warning:

(1 Corinthians 7:28 NLT) But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.

Without doubt, the apostle Paul spelled out the advantages of the celibate life—if, that is, you want to serve God wholeheartedly, and if you have celibacy as a gift. But neither Jesus nor Paul was against marriage. Paul also wrote:

(Ephesians 5:33 NLT) So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Today, I encourage you: If you are single and have the gift of celibacy, don’t allow culture to pressure you; stay the way you are, serve the Lord and enjoy it.

If you are married, make it like heaven on earth for your spouse. It will take focus, humility, and a lot of learning, but you can express God’s love to each other. Your marriage can literally be a great and living example of the way Jesus loves his bride. Remember: “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” Never even mention divorce—the “D” word—let alone threaten God's son or daughter (your spouse) with it.”

If you have been divorced, God even knows what that is like. This is what he said about his wife Israel:

(Hosea 2:2 NLT) But now bring (divorce) charges against Israel—your mother—for she is no longer my wife, and I am no longer her husband ...”

Of course, God wasn’t guilty in this divorce; but he sure understands the pain it brings. I encourage you to go to him in your pain; he knows what you are going through; he knows what marriage breakdown feels like. What’s even more amazing is that he sent Jesus to carry that pain away, and to provide healing for you today.

Whatever your marital status is, I encourage you most of all to keep a soft heart, avoid foolish disputes, contentions, and strivings about the law; and to love God and others as he loves you:

(1 John 4:9–11 NLT) God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. {10} This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. {11} Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.