Do I belong here ?

Disclaimer:? This article comes from my own personal and professional experience.? I am not a doctor or any kind of therapist, and I am not dispensing any medical advice.? I do know enough to say that mental health and well-being are critical, so if you think you need help, please seek it out.

“Do I belong here?” is a complicated and multi-faceted question.? For the purpose of this article, I am talking about “Do I belong at my current job/career/company?”? Even the most successful people go through periods where they just do not think/feel they are in the right place.? These are the types of intuitions and perceptions that should lead to asking yourself a few questions and then expect some honest answers from yourself as well.?

First of all, if anyone at your work, whether passively or actively is making you feel unwelcome, then they are in the wrong.? Diversity, inclusion, discrimination, bias and bigotry do still exist in our world today.? I am in no way minimizing these topics, but if you are being persecuted, discriminated against or suffering any form of mental, emotional or psychological trauma at work, then go and get help.? The law, at a minimum, and doing what’s right are on your side. ?The best way to get out of any dysfunctional relationship, whether personal or professional, is to entirely walk away from it.? The challenge here is that the same people who are making you feel unwelcome will also try to make you think “the problem” is your fault and that it is your responsibility to “fix” what’s wrong.? Do not ever accept this lie or feel that you have to stay in a bad situation for any reason.? I know, easier said than done.

Secondly, take a look at the thoughts inside your head.? If there is a “I don’t belong here” thought, where is it coming from?? If you don’t belong here, why?? Do you have a value or a belief that you are not worthy of your position?? Did someone else’s belief or your perception of what other people think or say give you the idea that you do not belong?? Think about whose values and measurement systems you are using to define your worthiness.? If it is someone else’s definition of worthiness, “My Dad said I would never amount to anything” or “My last review had some criticisms on it, so I have no chance of advancing in my career,” then you need to consider where that message came from.? If someone else (or your perception of them) is telling you that you’re not good enough, then you are likely dealing with guilt.? Guilt can be a tough one to deal with but keep in mind that guilt is never self-inflicted.? Someone has either intentionally, passively, or mistakenly made you feel inferior or wrong.? Look for the source and remember that the problem with guilt is not your fault.

On the other hand, if the thought in your head is “I am not worthy,” then the issue you are dealing with may be shame.? It is a subtle difference but understanding whether or not the source of your insecurity is coming from yourself or from someone else is an important distinction.? In my case I was bullied in middle school.? This left me with a belief that I was somehow inferior to the other kids.? I was not popular.? I believed would never get a date with the pretty girls.? My family was at a lower socio-economic status than most of the people in my community.? My experiences with the harsh realities of the middle school playground left me with a belief that I was not good enough, which held me back for decades.? Another common form of shame is imposter syndrome.? People who have some level of success and advancement in their careers get the feeling that they are an imposter, because “nobody would believe that I actually earned that promotion.” ?or? “I really don’t belong here and if anyone were to find out how unworthy I am of this job they would fire me on the spot.”? Worse than shame, this is self-sabotage, which again is probably not your fault.? Remember, you are always likely to be your harshest critic, so give yourself a break.

A trick I use for difficult questions like this came from Oprah Winfrey.? It really boils down to the fact that most human beings will willingly help others but do not tend to show themselves the same level of compassion.? If you are in a bad or uncomfortable situation (whether personal or professional) ask yourself this question.? If 25 years from now you had a son or daughter that was starting out their career and was in the exact same situation that you are in today, what advice would you give to your own kid?? …and here is the hard part.? You need to listen to and take your own advice.

OK.?? Apologies for starting out with the heavy stuff but it needed to be said.? Where I was initially going with this article was more philosophical.? I have many colleagues and friends that have said, “I don’t get it.? I did everything I was supposed to do.? I got good grades.? I went to the right schools and training, and I landed a job/career that I am proud of.? BUT! ?I am not fulfilled/satisfied; I don’t feel I belong here and there is something missing.? Who are my people? ?Where is my tribe?” ?This brings up the famous question that we all should face.? WHY are you doing what you are doing?

I will relate a story that I thought was insensitive and cruel at the time, but it also taught a powerful lesson.? At six years of age, my youngest child really wanted to play little league baseball. ?We signed up for a local city park league, practiced baseball skills in the front yard, and waited enthusiastically for the season to start.? On the day of the first practice, our coach gathered all of the players and their parents together.? The very first question out of his mouth was “Do any of you kids not want to play baseball and are only here because your dad said that you had to do it?”? Three kids on the team immediately started crying and the answer was clear.? Those three kids did not want to play, were not incentivized to learn the game, and would likely impact the team negatively if they stayed on, which would not have been a good experience.? Are you in your job/career because of what someone else told you to do, or what you should do, or are expected to do?

This is why the “why” question is so important.? It will tell you where the motivation is coming from.? If your questions about your job and career start their answer with “My dad said I had to…” or? “My High School Councilor said it was the right thing to do.”? Then, you need to find out what your why is and stop valuing yourself based on other people’s opinions.? One of my favorite philosophical statements is, “If you want to know where your heart belongs, then watch where your mind goes when it wanders.”? What would make you happy?? What would make you feel satisfied and fulfilled?? What is your dream?? Hopefully asking these questions will give you some direction, a sense of purpose and passion towards what really matters to you!? Your job and career need to be about more than just making money.? If your why is only to earn the biggest paycheck possible, then you are not seeing the big picture and you will likely be unhappy in your job.? Even if this does not lead to a career change, it will help you find others like yourself.? Find an online or local community group that shares your passions, your desires and your why, and participate in it.? This will lead you towards that feeling of satisfaction and belonging that you have been missing.