Do Not Go Gentle...

In late 2019, I underwent multiple surgeries to enable me to once again eat solid food. Due to a rare disease, I endured an entire year consuming my every meal from a cup while sleeping in a chair. During a series of complicated medical procedures, I had to fast for 40 days. I literally became a shell of the man I once was as my body relentlessly cannibalized itself. I lost 55 lbs over those twelve months, rarely slept, and suffered from excruciating pain to even swallow a drink of water. For my final surgery, I was restricted from consuming any liquids via mouth and lived via an IV for six days.

Throughout that year, I served as Interim CEO for a SaaS organization based in New Zealand. In a nutshell, I channeled my focus and energy into remotely leading a company turnaround from my home in Colorado. Serving others kept me from wallowing in self-pity, gave me a sense of purpose, and kept me out of the kitchen as I lived around the clock on Zoom with my Team. I guess you could say that I was leading remote through a crisis and hosting virtual happy hours before it was a common thing.

I spent the past few months training to climb Mt Rainier to celebrate my new lease on life and test the incredible strength and endurance that I have once again by including small portions of soft foods in my diet (and being able to sleep in a bed!). My intent was to raise awareness about Esophageal Achalasia and hopefully inspire others of what is possible when you are forced to ‘deny the flesh’ and embrace an 'unbeatable mindset'. I still consume most of my diet via liquids. I never complain as am beyond grateful to get the wake-up call each day. Unfortunately, my summit attempt was canceled due to COVID-19. No worries, the mountains will always be there.

When I was unbelievably tired and weak from a lack of sleep and nutrition, and my legs would shake and knees would buckle, I would recite verses from Dylan Thomas’ Poem, ‘Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night’. I remember walking around Dunedin, New Zealand back in September, watching people enjoy meals through the windows of restaurants and cafes, taking in the intoxicating aromas, wondering when I might possibly eat another bite of food, and knowing I would be going to sleep hungry again that night while my body continued withering away. Often, I could not hold back the tears. Then, I would think about all that I had to be grateful for in life. I would literally ‘RAGE’ against the savagery of hunger and remind myself to ‘not go gentle into that good night’.

I have never been pushed so far outside my comfort zone and for so long. Yet, I learned during my personal ‘Crucible of Starvation and Sleep Deprivation’ that the darkest and coldest valleys provide the greatest opportunity to reinvent ourselves…so long as we are willing to do the work.

The experience of living life on liquids taught me that no matter what we are going through in life, we become what we are willing to endure. Letting go of the endgame, staying focused on the process, and leaning into faith are paramount. I learned that by doing what is necessary long enough, the impossible will eventually relinquish its throne.

Combining a winning attitude with maximum effort through a rigorous, disciplined routine will bridge the gap in accomplishing the most unimaginable of tasks.

In retrospect, the inability to eat food for a year tested my every limit physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It was a true psychological nightmare to shoulder personally & professionally. For me, it was the ultimate crucible of character and leadership…a crucible that pushed the limits of my sanity, stretched the fibers of my potential, and broadened the depths of my faith. Improvising, adapting, and pushing forward without excuse or complaint was and continues to be my mantra.

Due to COVID-19, we have all been pushed out of our comfort zones by the 'cards' we have been dealt. I believe that we must choose to play our 'hands' with patience, discipline, common sense, compassion, collaboration, faith, humility, love, respect for science, and a willingness to change. Select gratitude as your default setting and be thankful for the opportunity to endure the fight. Keep hope alive by trusting that every piece of Life’s puzzle is going to be there.

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu

All life is seasonal. There are going to be seasons to hurt and suffer. Seasons change and provide hope that transformation is on the horizon. The key is outlasting the season. While we are hunkered down in our ‘Cocoons of Quarantine and Isolation’, we must outlast the discomfort and loneliness. As Joseph B. Wirthlin reminds us,

"Without adversity, the butterfly would never have the strength to achieve its destiny. It would never develop the strength to become something extraordinary."

Letting go of once was and welcoming the new is crucial during these trying times. Perseverance is birthed from our ability to improvise, adapt, and accept change. Only then will we overcome.

In time we will take the next step. We will embrace once again and relish in the company of others. We will break bread. We will clink our glasses and say, ‘Cheers’. We will bond as families, friends, and communities. We will collaborate as teams and organizations. We will cheer for our favorite sports and enjoy our cherished artists in concert. We will worship together in our respective faiths. We will endure.

Together, we will rise and embrace a new and reinvented Tomorrow…so long was we ‘do not go gentle into that good night’.