Do 'families' and 'relatives' feel like hard work to you? If yes, read this!

Soon it is going to be the festival season in many places around the world. Time to meet families, extended families, distant relatives, and friends.

Time to have fun, eat, even getting into a food coma and lots of conversations.

Also, the time for those 'hate-rockets' to be launched because people can rub us the wrong way.

Yes, the people we are supposed to love and cherish and vice versa....those people.

Here is an invitation for you:

?? Think of the people who annoy you.

?? Consider how much of that annoyance is a direct result of what you have been told about those people.

The angry Uncle, the manipulative aunt, the sarcastic cousin, the jealous colleague...you get the idea!

?? Now spend some time considering how much of it is true.

?? Beware of your mind playing tricks on you. If what you find is not what you have been told, know that you will not be betraying your loved ones.

?? There can be two scenarios: (1) Either you discover that you have been told was true or (2) not. Give yourself permission to believe either. Remember those loved ones who handed down 'stories' to you are also human beings - they could be wrong.

?? No matter what the result from the previous step is, consciously decide how you want to proceed.

If there is evidence of other people's wrongdoing, do you want to continue being annoyed with them or would you rather choose to find peace? (I personally choose peace over anger although I confess that I struggle with a few specific scenarios; example below.) At this stage, be very mindful of the 'proxy-battles' you might have been fighting. e.g. Being angry with an aunt because Mum does not like her; being ticked off with an Uncle because something happened in the family long ago.

?? Were any of these people given an opportunity to explain themselves or were they judged for good and the hatred carried in the family for years and years afterward?

?? Irrespective of what may have happened before or not, you can choose how you want to connect with these people in the future. Here are some options:

???? Keep fighting your battle (proxy or otherwise) - Stay angry with them because.... (legit choice, good for the ego but not for your mental peace)

or

???? BREAK THE CYCLE! (Drop the stories that hurt through healing/forgiveness/ acknowledging that it was an acquired story/anything else applicable to you)

?? Many of us keep carrying stories and judgments about other people when those other people have not been given the opportunity to explain. We would not want people to be convicted without a fair trial in the court, would we?

?? Maybe people have made bad choices in the past but they could have changed now. I know that I change, why wouldn't other people change? Is that impossible?

?? We would not want to punish a person for the same crime over and over again in the court of law, would we? Then why do it in our personal lives? Why punish other people as well as ourselves for the same mistake over and over again?

? Now, I by no means condone hurting other people. I personally know a pedophile who had a thing for young girls; he went around targeting young vulnerable girls in the extended family. No one said anything or did anything because of the shame and the shock. He got away with it. Every. Single. Time. I feel very strongly about something like this; breaking the cycle of hatred through forgiveness for this conscious repeated behavior and for parents not standing up to this man feels awfully hard to me. There must be things that you feel strongly about; I get that!

But I can start with the every-day judgments. If I can remember that most of these opinions are stories that I may have gathered from people around me, I can choose to drop them and find peace.

Just remember that the stories we tell ourselves and hence, each other are not always true. Choose, pick and drop.

Of course, I can make this choice for most of the situations where people may have directly wronged me (but that would be a separate post).

I acknowledge that every experience may not fit into the white and the black but we can consciously start choosing love over hatred, not because we are sitting on a moral high horse here but for our own happiness and peace of mind.

As we step into the festive season of 2019, may we revel in love more than fear, judgment, and anguish. May we enjoy connection more than hatred.

P.S. I was inspired to write this post after recent conversations with people from different cultures on how they struggle with their 'relatives' and 'families'.