DIY and Depression: Part 2

3 months ago I wrote a short story for Mental Health Week involving a mini-breakdown after a long weekend of shelf building in the midst of domestic chaos; 8 week old baby and mid-house-renovation. (If you missed it, you can read it here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/last-week-mental-health-story-josh-jeffries/)

Well this weekend just gone, I finished the shelves for the other wardrobe! But this time I had a little help, and it felt right to write a short follow up to Part 1 after all the support I received from the last post.

About 6 weeks ago I decided to contact my doctor and asked to go back on Citalopram (a commonly prescribed anti-depressant for anyone who doesn't know). I was sick of feeling 'up against it', all the time. Constantly battling low mood, lethargy, brain fog, tiredness, irritability and getting irrationally stressed out over the smallest things. I had been soldiering on with the above for the best part of a year, following a particularly challenging time in my life, but enough was enough and I knew I needed to take action.

For context, my beautiful mum passed away unexpectedly from a hemopericardium last June during lockdown 1.0 (something I didn't mention in my last post), and 2 weeks later my wife and I found out that we were pregnant, whilst temporarily living at my in-law's house having just sold our flat but yet to find a new home. It was a challenging year. Thankfully we secured a house a few weeks later, and in no time at all we were renovating in the middle of a pandemic, whilst preparing for our first child, and navigating the ebbs and flows of grief.

Above: cooking a lamb roast in a dilapidated kitchen with no worktops in a freezing cold house. Below: the result. 10/10 considering the circumstances. (If you're wondering what the orange stuff is: Carrot Soufflé, of course...)

In many ways the house renovation and baby expectation were incredibly exciting and a welcome distraction, and there were undoubtedly moments of fun and joy along the way. Seeing the house take shape before our very eyes. Seeing progress when many felt like their lives were on pause. At least we were in motion! But the whole ordeal was subtly traumatising and began to take its toll on both my wife and I. There was a constant sense of strain at a hidden level of ours lives, which left me regularly daydreaming about sacking it all in to live in a tent in Cornwall (something we managed to squeeze in for a week last summer - hands down the best and most needed holiday I've ever had!).

So why - now the dust has settled, with a beautiful baby girl and almost-finished-house do I find myself 6 weeks in to a course of Citalopram?

Because for me, depression is not circumstantial; it is not simply the result of a particularly stressful period of my life. It is something I've battled with since I was a teenager, and likely always will. Something that at 32 years old and during the most openly inclusive time for those who of us who struggle with ill mental health, I am still coming to terms with.

But finally after several conversations with my incredible wife, my incredibly supportive boss, but most importantly with myself; I decided to take action and contact my doctor. It was actually a very simple decision to make once the penny had dropped. I called the surgery and arranged an appointment for later that morning, explained how I'd been feeling, and was collecting my prescription that afternoon. Just coming off the phone that day I felt like a weight had been lifted, but 6 weeks in to medication I am feeling so much more myself; more active and alert and so much more capable. I can take the small, annoying things in my stride better now, and can tackle shelves and still help with bath time and dinner.

I really don't want this to come across as an advertisement for antidepressants; I'm not a doctor and wouldn't even seek to 'recommend' anything. Nor do I want to come across like I'm now 100% sorted. I've still experienced low moments over the last few weeks, but the difference now is that those low moments don't turn in to entire low days, or weeks.

I am sharing this because I want everyone to know that it's okay to get help. Be that in the form of talking therapy if that's what you feel you need, or medication, or both. But whatever you do, don't live your life under a cloud. If you're struggling, then taking action to improve your mental health is the best and most empowering decision you can ever make.

I hope this story serves as an encouragement to anyone reading and provides a little nudge to those who need it.