This Diwali, be happier....How?

I wish you a pro-social Diwali.

What does this wish mean? And why wish this way, you must be wondering.

The presence of social capital in our life improves our happiness, sense of well-being and overall life satisfaction. Unlike financial capital which benefit we readily understand, we under-estimate the power of social capital.

Social capital is the insurance against the vicissitudes of life. Our friends, and in some cultures, our kith and kin are our social capital. You are not fighting your battles alone when you have social capital. It provides a defense against loneliness and a lack of security that comes with loneliness

Consider the women of Okinawa prefecture in Japan. They live exceptionally long lives. Each woman here belongs to a Moai. Moai is a set of typically 6 friends who make a pact in childhood. They show up when any one of her group needs assistance. The women don’t experience it as an entitlement but as more of a subtler assurance. Each person’s commitment to their moai is strong and springs from a sense of duty as well as love. Each woman knows that the very same commitment is present with all women in the Moai. Perhaps the size of 6 secures this even better. They experience a sense of happy security and peace of mind. Dan Buettner who studied exceptionally long living groups in his now famous bluezones project singles out this practice of the Okinawa women. This practice as well as their diets is a key contributor to the women living to a ripe old age and living well.

The positive psychologist Martin Seligman says that if you can comfortably call a friend at 3 am for discussing a matter that has been bothering you without either feeling awkward about the call or the timing, you are blessed with social capital.

Building Social Capital

We build social capital by pro-social behaviors.

We can instinctively help and care. Amongst all animals we have the longest childhood. We are born unfinished. Our brains continue to grow significantly after birth. This also means that only if we are cared for, can we survive. The human animal is hence blessed with this instinct to care. The sight of babies produces this caring response. A bio-chemical called oxytocin gets secreted when we hug another person.

Another remarkable characteristic of the human person is the principle of coherence. If we have a pro-social attitude, we will help others. However, just by nudging ourselves to help others, we will develop a pro-social attitude. The watch word is nudge. If we force ourselves too hard, there will be a negative reaction in us. The body and mind have to be in step. Similarly, behavior alters biochemistry just like within limits biochemistry alters behavior. The smell of lavender has been proven to increase pro-social behavior, so have certain architectures and background facades.

Consider this experiment. Volunteers were taught loving kindness meditation. They contemplated their worries and slowly expanded the scope to on-board other people’s worries. Over days and in a matter of weeks, their calming and regenerative response markedly improved. Similarly, Dr. Kabat Zinn of the MIT has reliably produced changes in brain structure of his volunteers through certain mindfulness practices. He beautifully defines mindfulness as wise and affectionate attention. The structure responsible for the panic fight or flight response in the brain shrunk as the volunteers adopted these practices. The degree of structural change surprised even Dr. Zinn.

Try this experiment

Go to a place of worship. Instead of praying for ourselves and our welfare, focus on a stranger. Someone whom you will perhaps not meet again. The idea is to remove all vested interest as well as the shadow of any past or existing transaction and relationship. This one time, pray for them. Pray that their dreams for their future come true. Pray that their past, if negative, ceases to make them dysfunctional.

Friends, who have volunteered to do this exercise, have confirmed a very calming response in themselves. They are able to sense a physical warmth in their palms. They seem to breathe easier and steadier. If the stranger is a child, a toddler, a baby or a pregnant woman, these effects are even more pronounced.

During Diwali eve, as you connect with old friends and relatives, do connect fully even if for a short period of time. This festival could be your natural nudge to become more pro-social. Mentally wish them well before you call. If possible, in that very call do a small help – point them to an opportunity, offer a suggestion, listen attentively. You don’t have to break rules, play favorites, abuse your authority in helping.

Try these two exercises this Diwali.

Conclusion

Pro-social behavior by itself regenerates us. It builds social capital. The trick is not to expect it but gently indulge in pro-social behavior. And do this to the extent you are comfortable. For example, don’t try this with those whom you resent, whatever the reason for resenting. Forcing yourself to be pro-social here will only produce agitation. Strangers and acquaintances are good places to start the exercises.

By wishing you a pro-social Diwali, I am in fact wishing you a happy one!

Post Script

If you like this post and want to explore further, SAGE has published my book “Happiness at Work: Mindfulness, Analysis and Well-being” two weeks ago. In this book, I discuss how psychology and mindfulness can reliably improve happiness and life satisfaction of urban professionals. The work has several case studies and concepts along with the supporting research. There is also guidance on applying the research, helpful tips and ways to measure progress.

The book can be ordered here: https://www.amazon.in/Happiness-Work-Mindfulness-Analysis-Well-being/dp/9352808053/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538457436&sr=8-1&keywords=9789352808052

“Happiness is a state of well-being – physically, mentally, socially, psychologically and emotionally. This book handles the topics extremely comprehensively with 10 chapters…I strongly recommend this book to everyone who wants to be happy – emotionally and psychologically”

Dr. H K Chopra, Chief Cardiologist, distinguished author and editor, Past President, Cardiology Society of India