Divorce is not a Tragedy

“Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” 

― Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

When I was a young man I spent a lot of energy looking for a mate.  It’s natural, we are born to breed.

I found a mate when I was 17. I got married, had two amazing kids, and then those feelings for my wife, partner, and soul mate changed.   

The person I was at 35 was not the person I was at 17. I evolved, my relationship did not keep pace, I was unhappy, frustrated, always feeling like I was living with clipped wings.

I got a divorce, it was hard, it’s not my proudest moment, but I knew that life had more to offer than what I was experiencing.

My ex-wife is an amazing person.  We did breed successfully. We have two kids that will change the world. Although our marriage failed, our union was a success.

I share this information for a couple of reasons. First, I think a lot of people are like the old married me. They are stuck in a relationship that they cannot fix. They are sad, they use a lot of energy forcing a bond that no longer exists.

If you are in that type of relationship, be brave. Be open, talk to your partner, be honest, try and save a friendship, not all bonds are infinite.

Today I’m in another relationship. I’m not married. Many times when people see me with my current partner, we are asked: “how long have you been married?” We gleeful reply “we are not married, we are happy”.

We mean no disrespect to our married friends, a few of our married friends are happy, growing together, doing life together, and enjoying their journey.

But not all married people are happy. Not all marriages work, sometimes it might be best to call it a day, say I love you and move on. 

I speak from a position of knowledge. I am in love. The old kind of love. That puppy dog love. That butterfly loves the love that you see in the movies.

When you are in love, life becomes easier. You do not spend energy looking for another mate. You are content.

When you are in love, you don’t waste energy on a failed union.  When you are in love, you are able to take that energy and focus on other areas of your life.

If you are married and unhappy, you spend a lot of your energy trying to make something work that no longer works. You spend time doing things you no longer enjoy. You spend you days dreading going home, playing the role of the happy husband or wife when you know, you checked out months or maybe years ago.

If you are in that type of relationship, I’m sorry. It sucks. It’s not a great life, but I fear that many choose to settle into a life of misery, unhappiness, and boredom. 

Life is amazing. When you are in love, you have a true partner that wants the same things you want. They track with your ideas, your energy level, and the want of an amazing life.

If you are unmarried or single, life can be equally hard. Living without a mate is hard.  I think we are created to form a bond with another human. The lack of that bond can be equal as a failed bond.

But there are mates for everyone. I honestly would give an edge to my single friends searching for love over my married friends stuck in a failed relationship. Both are hard, but my friends in search of love have the possibility of bliss, whilst my unhappy married friends live in a land of no hope.

I’m lucky. Very lucky to have found my partner, and for now we are one. We plan on staying one forever, but know that we both might change. If we change and evolve, each of us is free to leave. 

We don’t get married to allow for that freedom. It bothers some that we don’t “tie the knot”. But marriage is not for us. We are in love, we don’t need a ceremony or pomp and circumstance for the world to know our status.

If you are in a failed marriage, get out. Work to save it, get help, go to therapy, but know that it might not work. If your relationship has produced children, include them in your process. Let them know, Mom and Dad are not perfect and they are working on things.

It’s better for your kids to see a functional working relationship than a jumbled mess of anger, hate, and unhappiness. Your kids can sense your current happiness level, you are not fooling anyone.

I guess this morning I’m advocating divorce. It’s a unique position, one that many will disagree with, but it’s a position I feel very strongly I need to take. 

There are millions of people in a failed marriage and they continue for religious, societal, or personal reasons.

I can tell you there is life after divorce. It’s hard but much less hard than living in a failed relationship.

My partner and I don’t waste energy looking around at others. Sure there are beautiful people surrounding us every day. But we don’t waste energy on flirting, testing other waters, or texting messages that might not be appropriate.

Once you find that person, that partner that wants the same out of life that you seek, life becomes much easier and enjoyable.

The energy you use for the seeking of that mate or the energy you use making a failed marriage stay on the track is exhaustive. 

Use these words as a start to fixing your marriage. If you are unhappy, there is a great chance your mate is as well. Share this with them, ask them to read it and then discuss. 

This guy is advocating divorce. Is your marriage worth saving or would you be better living apart, and happy?

I hope you find love. Love exists. There is someone or multiple people that will give you what you seek, but you have to find them. 

Once you find them, life becomes amazing and you can use all the energy you were using before to help build a life you design together.

Good luck, sorry for the wake-up call, but I know these words are needed. These words are for you.

“Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” 

― Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home