Divorce Therapy: Getting Your Life Back on Track, Finding Yourself, and Healing for Love

By Dr. Jess W. Gibson

Nobody wants one.  Yet according to the American Psychological Association 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce.  With 90% of people in western cultures married by age 50, this demographic covers nearly everyone.

As far as traumatic events in one’s life, divorce is a catastrophic situation in which it almost never goes well, and both parties are deeply hurt.  There are some, very few, amicable divorces where people can remain friends, but in the larger scope many relationships tend to be fraught with fighting, manipulation, and anger.  Anyone who’s ever been through one knows.

Divorces are a fact of life in our modern world.  They affect all aspects of the family, children, extended family members, and friends.  A divorce is a dissolution of social bonds and networks that have years of history and memories. It can often feel like a divorce is not just a separation from the other person, but the entire life one used to know.

Full disclosure, I have been divorced twice, with two daughters from two different mothers, and yes, there were also step children involved.  Talk about a mess inside a mess. Both times I tried to go to counseling with my significant other, it ended abruptly. The irony of finishing a PhD in Psychology and getting divorced is not wasted on me.

I realize now that I did not take time to grieve my loss.  I had no one to talk to because all of our friends were intertwined and I didn’t really know who to trust, and nobody really wanted to listen.  I didn’t realize how traumatic the event had been for me, and I certainly never considered going to counseling. After all, I am a man. And in this society men don’t do weakness.

It is a well documented fact that women seek therapy at rates 20-40% higher than men, even though men need help just as bad, if not worse.  Looking back on my separation and divorce, I could have seriously used help. I was depressed, I woke up with anxiety attacks, I slept for hours and hours, sometimes days, I got angry.  

It took me over three years to get a semblance of my life back.  It could have happened much quicker.

Take time for yourself.  Don’t feel guilty, not for one second.  You have been married to another person, and that defines who you have been, but not necessarily who you are.  In a marriage we become a partner, a lover, a parent, a friend, an enemy, the excuse, the problem. But before all of that we were ourselves once.  A divorce is a whole identify shift, and just like when you were a teenager trying to figure out who you were, so too will you go through a complicated period of redefinition.  

You are going to have to write a new story, and you can do it. Stories are the only thing human beings have that no other species has. It is the way we create our reality and pass on our information from generation to generation. Emotions are meant to make our stories stick. But just because you have a story and emotions doesn’t mean either of them are in your best interest. If you change your story you will change how you feel. That is a guarantee.

Go back to what you love.  Remember the thing you are most passionate about?  That thing you maybe put on the shelf to make a living, or to take care of kids, or the home?  Going back to what you love is always healing because you are supposed to be doing it.  

We don't all get to make a living doing what we love. But that doesn't mean we should neglect that side of us. Don't let making a living take away what you love. Who knows? Maybe you can. Maybe, and probably, there is a whole tribe of people out there who would love to join in what you want to do. There are certainly many more important things than working yourself to death.

Healing for love.  It is almost impossible to come out of a bad relationship without some bitterness, some bruises, and a whole bucket of “ouch.”  Healing means redefining what things mean to us, taking ownership for our actions, and making amends. These things need to occur even if they are never received. This is growth. It is a fundamental law of the universe and nothing escapes it.

The faster you go through this, the quicker you grow as a human, and begin to attract the next phase of your life.  And that is all life really is, a bunch of phases, plateaus that never end, where you get over one thing and then the next thing starts. Stop walking backwards, looking at your past or you will run into things in your future, only to see them behind you. Turn around! Your life is in front of you, here, present, now.

This is where a good therapist makes all the difference in the world.  They are the guide on your journey who can look at the things outside you and say “turn left now.”  While many therapists are capable, there are some that stand out as exemplary in their field. Find a therapist who is an expert in the one area you need and watch how quickly you can change your life around.

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