Divorce - Prep for a not-so - happily after
“Irreconcilable differences”, as the courts would say. But *Arnav and*Abhi are 6 and 2.Should we wait for 2-3 years to get a divorce?
Divorce. An ugly, messy rollercoaster of emotions.?
For the first time, you come to see your parents as flawed humans, rather than authority figures. All of a sudden, you are up all night discussing a new school or a new step-mom!?
It is a huge, bitter pill to swallow– Life is not a fairy tale. Happily, after is a myth.
The first year after the divorce is the toughest. One parent (usually the father) moves out and the child loses touch with the said adult. Conversations become stunted and this eclipse weighs heavily on the custodian parent.
The divorce is traumatizing, yes but the added stress of changing schools, shifting houses, bullying at school, living arrangements and financial constraints adds to the craziness.
And the confusion intensifies if a parent gets into a new relationship.
When parents fight,?children go through both cognitive dissonance and loyalty conflict. Basically, being confused , emotionally lost and stuck in the middle, not knowing which side to take.
Either way a divorce determines how your children show up in the world.
What can you expect-
From falling grades and stomachaches to throwing stuff and isolating themselves, every child ‘s sensitivity gets tested like never before. But the underlying emotion is the same –
1.?????Feeling of abandonment – “Will Papa stop loving me too?”
2.?????Guilty conscience – “Maybe this was my fault!”
3.?????Loss of faith in marriage as an institution
Should we stay together for the children? ?is a question many ask. Let’s step into their world to see what’s cooking!
Upto 3 years:
Remember Riley from Inside Out? Mostly, memory works on FIFO (First in First out ) basis. So, a 2 year old will have vivid images of the separation in his/her mind but by age 5 , the memories start to blur. As they feel the tension but cannot understand and articulate the same, the trauma stays.
WHAT TO EXPECT
When one parent is suddenly no longer around, he/she becomes
Around 3–5 years
“Me, me, me !!”
The explorer in your child awakens and enjoys making choices actively, often becoming a control freak in the process. Abstract concepts like space and death ?and divorce are confusing at the time. They may feel that their parents are divorcing them!
WHAT TO EXPECT
·??????Fear of the unknown gets magnified. They may have trouble sleeping -monsters under the bed feel real.
·??????Loud verbal spats may make them scared and vulnerable.
·??????An innocent insistence that the parents just stop fighting and go back to the “way you were.”
·??????Fantasies that they can ‘rescue’ the marriage
Elementary school age (6–12)
Tricky.
At this age, the child is old enough to remember the ‘good old days’. Hence, divorce becomes a turbulent affair.
WHAT TO EXPECT
·??????Since they understand complex feelings like conflict, they might try to make the relationship work ?
1.?????If you love me, why can’t you stay together?
2.?????I promise I’ll be a good kid
3.?????Does papa not love mummy anymore? I must have done wrong !
4.?????Does Dad/Mom not love me anymore? Is that why they want to leave?
·??????They worry about their role in your new life, family dynamics, their social situation. Also, ?pre-teens have a busy schedule , with academics and extracurricular activities. They benefit from dual support from both parents but they may resist equal time-sharing if it doesn’t suit them.
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·??????Sensitive children often become socially withdrawn , answering in monosyllables ,feeling depressed and anxious.
·??????Alternatively, they act out , become overly aggressive ?or even learn to play one parent against the other. You might hear phrases like “I want to live with Dad!” or “Mom lets me do [fill-in-the-blank]!”
·??????Many children develop dual personalities – a different persona at school than at home.
Teenagers (13+)
They get it. Often, it’s a respite from the mental chaos for them too. ?At this age, the stakes are high.
But a logical conversation generally gets through.
This is what a 23 YO says about her parent’s divorce when she was 17 -
“I am trying to unlearn it, but I romanticise the instability I experienced. Your parents are the first example of love that you’re shown.”?
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT
1.?????A shoulder to cry on- Surprisingly supportive!
2.?????Hyper maturity- Assuming?the role of an adult to stabilise the family’s new dynamics.
3.?????Anxiety about their social situation / financial status post the divorce
4.?????A need for love and connection which may be misunderstood by the opposite sex – insecurity and jealousy follows.
5.?????Experimentation and need for immediate gratification
6.?????Alcohol and Substance abuse- a cover for escapism
7.?????Rebellion and self harm
?If you’re wondering if you should stick it out until your child is 18, ask yourself about the home environment:
If the answer is “no” to these questions, remember that kids are resilient, and sometimes the best solution is to part ways gracefully.
How to help children cope-
1.?????Normalise divorce –Sometimes children feel insecure and wonder if their family is the only family that has gotten divorced.
2.?????Bring up the topic a good 2 to 3 weeks before any separation is set to begin. Consider telling your child’s teacher a day or so before you tell your child.
3.?????Sit them down. Break the news gently. “We tried our best to make this work. It is not easy for us too. It’s not one ‘s fault.” Be sure you have a plan in your mind, even if it’s not frozen .
4.?????Your child will probably have a lot of questions. Get them talking.
5.?????Be sure to give your child room to feel how they need to feel.?Focus on- ?“All feelings are normal. You may feel worried, angry, sad, and that’s OK. We’ll work through these feelings together.” Not all kids react right away. Let yours know that's OK, too,
6.?????Paint the picture well- “ Two birthdays ! A new house !”
7.?????Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the kids.Don’t bad-mouth each other and don’t try to make the children take sides.
8.?????Children want to be told what is happening – involve them as much as you can in decisions like schooling ,residence.
9.?????Keep letters, e-mails, and text messages in a secure location as kids will be naturally curious if there is a high-conflict situation going on at home ( in case of ‘ at fault divorce involving , say Infidelity)
10.??Consistency equals safety. Sticking to a routine will help. Rules about bedtimes and homework should be standardised. Loopholes bring about instability.
11.??Yet, embrace the unconventional. Parents can live apart, or together, with parents – whatever works for you.
12.??Read/offer age-appropriate books on Divorce and Separation to your children.?Ask if they want to talk about what they read.?
When you’re young, the most important anchor you’ve got is your family.It is possible to treat the divorce as an adjustment rather than a crisis
We need to calm the storm first!
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*Names changed
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