Divorce Mediation

By Rev. Michael Robinson, M.S.

Classic comedian Groucho Marx offered this observation about divorce, “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” Never truer words have been spoken. But divorce is NOT a funny matter. It’s serious, indeed. Divorce is a profane word within the circles of holy matrimony. No one goes into marriage with the idea that their marriage will fail, they envision their matrimony enduring until death do us part. But for some couples, their happy ever after comes to a crashing halt.

The American Psychological Association reports that 90% of people marry by age 50 –that’s the good news. The bad news is that 40%-50% of marriages crash and burn in divorce, and the divorce rate increases among divorced individuals that pursue subsequent marriages. 

In my years of experience as a Christian relationship counselor for engaged and married couples, I highly recommend counseling for any estranged dating or married couple. Counseling can reveal blind spots in a relationship that aren’t readily apparent to a partner in the relationship or the couple. Counseling also can give voice and a platform for dialog on important matters that a partner in the relationship may lack.

Divorce can be traumatic for some and salvation for others; and when children are involved, things can become dicey when couples decide to split. With children, partners worry about who their kids will be exposed to while in the custody and supervision of the other partner, or focus can shift to custody rights and privileges.

Some other challenges inherent with divorce include: splitting of friends, division of assets, dating others with the stigma of divorce, possible split with church to avoid ex, loss of two incomes, loss of extended family members, establishing new friends, legal fees involved in getting a divorce, sense of loneliness, emotional frustration, regret, anger, etc. 

THE BREAKING POINT AND ROCK BOTTOM

“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.” -Rupi Kaur, poet and NY Times Best Selling author.

“And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life,” -Joanne Rowling (a.k.a. J.K. Rowling), author of Harry Potter and the inspiring book, Very Good Lives: The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination.

Yes, divorce means the marriage failed but it doesn’t have to mean the end of happiness or the ruin of your entire life. There’s life and happiness beyond divorce, one must persevere to push through from the tragedy of divorce to the triumph of a new life and fresh start beyond divorce.

TOP REASONS FOR DIVORCE

The U.S. National Library of Medicine and National Institutes of Health published research on the top reasons why married couples divorce (in rank order):

1.    Lack of Commitment

2.    Infidelity / Extra-marital Affairs

3.    Too Much Conflict and Arguing

4.    Getting Married too Young

5.    Financial Problems

6.    Substance Abuse

7.    Domestic Violence

8.    Health Problems

9.    Lack of Support from Family

10. Religious Differences

11. Little or No Pre-marital Education

Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It takes 100% investment of each partner contributing their very best intentional efforts to keep a marriage alive and thriving. Marriage involves compromise and respect for your partner, but not at the expense of you personally suffering denigration, disrespect, or disloyalty from your partner –no one deserves such dysfunctional treatment.

THE RIPPLE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE

Alex Daniel, writer for BestLife, an online lifestyle blog, outlines some major relational-interpersonal issues to consider that typically occur in the aftermath of a divorce:

·      There’s Grieving Process

·      A ‘Clean Break’ is much harder than it sounds

·      It can be a big relief

·      You may feel sorry for your spouse

·      You’ll lose some friendships

·      You will have more time for yourself

·      Co-parenting can be exhausting

·      It can be dangerous to jump right back into dating

·      Your physical and mental health takes a hit

DIVORCE MEDIATION vs. TRADITIONAL DIVORCE COURT PROCEEDINGS

If a married couple is headed to divorce, I recommend mediation. Mediation is legally binding and it’s often cheaper than settling things with lawyers which can burn through personal finances. Do your research into local mediators that specialize in divorce mediation proceedings.

Divorce court proceedings can be costly, adversarial, and messy. What most people don’t know is that you can pursue a legally binding divorce via Divorce Mediation. 

“Divorce mediation is a process that allows divorcing couples to meet with a specially-trained, neutral third-party to discuss and resolve common divorce-related issues. Mediation is typically less stressful and less expensive than a divorce trial, and it usually proceeds much faster. Because you and your spouse have the final say over your divorce matters, mediation also allows couples to maintain the power and control in their divorce, as opposed to asking a judge to decide,” reports Nolo.com. Nolo, formerly known as Nolo Press, produces do-it-yourself legal publications and software resources that help navigate people through simple legal procedures (e.g., writing wills, establishing LLCs, etc.)

Ellen Morfei, is Owner of Progressive Conflict Solutions, a successful local conflict resolution/mediation practice, located in Media, PA – Delaware County (a suburb of Philadelphia). In her private practice, Morfei has logged hundreds and hundreds of conflict resolution/mediation hours serving many clients from the region, “I would say about 80 to 90% of my practice is divorce and custody.”

“Most of the (divorce couples) working with me are motivated to save money, and also motivated to not really harm the other person; so that can make for a more efficient process.”

Morfei, a divorcee, understands the experience and effects of divorce and can easily empathize with couples going through the process. Couples seeking divorce that pursue Morfei’s divorce mediation services, Morfei meets with them to “get a comprehensive look at the finances, and understand also what the law typically provides for in Pennsylvania; and that allows people to start thinking through what are strategic ways to split that up.”

Morfei said divorce mediation is generally “much, much less” expensive than having the couples’ lawyers fight out divorce proceedings in court, which can be more costly and adversarial. According to Morfei, one of the main objectives of divorce mediation is to produce a memorandum that’s a mutual agreement of how a couple will divorce in splitting assets, handle child custody matters, etc. That memorandum of agreement is then given to a lawyer(s) to file in court to become a legally binding divorce agreement. Morfei noted that couples may have their respective attorney review their memorandum of divorce agreement before it’s filed to make any necessary final edits.

COVID-19 & UNIQUE FACTS ABOUT DIVORCE

“As a result of the COVID-19 pandemic and varying states of lockdowns all over the United States and the World, we may be in for the largest single-year increase in divorce in decades… We won’t have a full picture of the fallout until 2021 at the earliest,” suggests Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, LLP, a prominent San Diego based law firm that specializes in family law (e.g., divorce, child custody, child support, annulments, domestic violence, etc.).

Wilkinson & Finkbeiner offered these interesting facts about divorce:

·      As of 2016, both marriage rates AND divorce rates in the U.S. are decreasing. Recent studies have shown that millennials are choosing to wait longer to get married and staying married longer and are the main driver in the decline of both the marriage and divorce rate in the US.

·      Currently, the divorce rate per 1000 married women is 16.9.

·      Researchers estimate that 41 percent of all first marriages end in divorce; 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce; 73 percent of all third marriages end in divorce.

·      The United States has the 6th highest divorce rate in the world. That equates to 277 divorces per hour, 6,646 divorces per day, 46,523 divorces per week, and 2,419,196 divorces per year. That means: There are 9 divorces in the time it takes for a couple to recite their wedding vows (2 minutes).

·      The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years.

·      Wives are the ones who most often file for divorce at 66 percent on average. That figure has soared to nearly 75 percent in some years.

U.S. Divorce Rate by Occupation and Percentage (abridged list):

• Dancers -                              43%
• Bartenders -                        38.4%
• Nurses -                                28.9%
• Home Care Aids -                28.7%
• Entertainers -                      28.4%
• Corrections Workers -          21.3%
• Law Enforcement -              14.47%
• Doctors and Surgeons -        9.23%
• Legislators -                         8.74%
• Dentists -                              7.75%
• Clergy -                                5.61%

VOICES OF THE DIVORCED - Lessons Learned from Failed Marriages

Kenneth Johnson, MBA, Vice President-Primerica, Philadelphia, PA, was willing to work through the infidelity of his first wife, but they eventually split. He is happily married and going ten years strong in his second marriage. He gives three lessons he’s learned from his first marriage:

1.    “God has to be a major part of my relationship.”

2.    “I need to be present in the midst of providing.”

3.    “Communication matters every step of the way.”

Lory Molino, Lakota Native American and Mixed Martial Arts practioner, twice divorced:

“What I have learned from the (divorce) experience is that most people don’t know how to really truly love someone. That really true deep love is real but few people are willing to go to those depths. Most people want to play it safe and only give a little bit of themselves yet demand so much of their partner when it doesn’t work that way. Love cannot survive in a selfish environment. Love is all about selflessness. It’s all about the other person and it should be completely mutual. A marriage based on anything else will not survive or last unless it’s more of a business arrangement than a marriage.

Samantha Gordon, Patient Advocate, Brooklyn, New York, her marriage was KO’d due to infidelity:

“My ex stepped outside of our marriage after 8 years to have the kids he wanted to have after I gave up the fight going through fertility drugs and health issues…so I let go, requested divorce due to his cheating.”

Khadijah Phillips, Hairstylist and Business Entrepreneur, Philadelphia, PA, was in an abusive marriage:

“My mom came and got us (her and her kids) and I just found the courage to stay gone. I learned to pay attention to red flags early.”

Mina Dia-Stevens, Adjunct Professor-Moore College of Art, Philadelphia, PA (from Dakar, Senegal):

“Our spiritual upbringings were extremely different and created major issues. We were both emotionally immature.”

Carmen M., Former Claims Investigation Agent/Office of Inspector General-Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA:

“My ex and I dated for 2 years then married. After about 6 months, his true-self emerged...I had married a "closet alcoholic" and philanderer. He proved himself also to be a thief and liar. He lost his job due to his alcoholism, stole my car and wrecked it while drunk…I put him out on 5/25/98, filed for divorce on 5/26/98, and my divorce was finalized on 12/30/98. This experience has taught me to LISTEN more attentively when a person is talking; my son told me that I can learn a lot about person in 30 minutes if I just LISTEN closely.”

Pat Brown, Notary, Philadelphia, PA, found marital bliss in her second marriage to a caring loving husband, sadly, he recently passed away. Regretfully, her first marriage wasn’t as blissful:

“First husband, dually abusive (emotionally and physically).”

It’s important for engage couples to get to know the most about their partner before jumping the broom; at least 1-2 years is a wise investment of quality time dating/courting one another, along with pre-marital counseling. Such an investment of time and effort can help a couple avoid unnecessary pitfalls that can drive a marriage to end in divorce. Also, dating/engaged couples should spend time hanging around thriving married couples to learn best practices and insights on how to establish a good healthy marriage.

Current married couples that are in estranged marital relationships should seek counseling to improve communication and conflict resolution techniques to fight fair and to amicably resolve problems in the marriage. For example, if money issues are at the root of marital problems, seek the professional services offered by credit repair/financial counseling organizations like Clarifi, based in Philadelphia, PA. Many employers offer Employee Assistance Programs that include an array of services that include confidential family counseling, financial planning, child care resources, and other meaningful services that can help married couples succeed. Lastly, if you’re in an abusive dating or marital relationship, there’s help for you. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is ready to assist you, “24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you are in an emergency situation, please call 911.” For anyone affected by physical abuse and in need of support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

Ann Landers, a beloved relationship/advice columnist (deceased), offered this advice about marriage, “All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.” Amen.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Rev. Michael Robinson, M.S. Counseling is an award winning business leader, and an award winning college administrator, and he's a freelance writer/columnist. He serves as Senior Pastor of Greater Enon Missionary Baptist Church, an urban ministry based in North Philadelphia, PA. Rev. Robinson renders private Christian Counseling services to engaged couples and estranged married couples.