Divorce - lets break on through to the other side together

This week during school holidays I caught up with a group of awesome ladies I’ve known for years as our kids went to school together. There’s something special about having a group of friends where the time and months can pass, but when you catch up it’s like no time has not passed at all and we just reconnect where we left things the last time.

At this stage of my life, there’s very few people who have not been impacted by divorce in some way. After a couple hours of catching up, the conversation suddenly turned serious when we started talking about divorce and how the whole process changes people’s lives. It was agreed that in these instances circumstances and concrete facts change. The controversy came, when I suggested that both divorced parties then have choices and total control over the way they think about these circumstances. I believe that it’s these choices that allow the individuals to act and reach a desirable life and results after divorce. My point was that the individual has choices, despite whatever eventuated in the actual marriage and what happened to the parties involved and the reasons it ended. I advocated that these circumstances or facts are now in the past and cannot be changed, so why get stuck in in the resulting limiting beliefs.

At this point, the sentiments, and comments of most of the group were surprising for me, given what I now know. There was a huge skew towards a ‘victim mentality’, or theory that because these things happened ‘to me’ through the divorce process and they were out of my control or choice, I am now forever relegated to a ‘lesser life’ and have little control regarding where my life goes from here. It was at this point that I called ‘bullshit,’ and this is where things heated up a bit.?

I’m 110% sure that there are heaps of people that will come forward with crazy stories of how they (or their friend or family member) were wronged or impacted by divorce, and it was totally out of their control. I have heard them too, lots of stories how hurt people hurt other people. That was not the point I was making in this discussion. Yes, there are undesirable people out there who despite the fact they are doing the very best they can with the tools that they currently have in their tool belt, they did the wrong thing to others. AND they made huge mistakes and hurt people. I agree, however, as a result we can never have a manual for these people or their actions.

Another point that was then made, was that people’s brain neurology and way of thinking is set and that it’s very hard to change this. If we have experienced bad things and trauma, yes, it’s much harder. However, as a mindset coach this is why I am so passionate about coaching and helping smart, successful, articulate people through divorce. I agree, the habits and negative thoughts we’ve been thinking every day for years and years are mostly unconscious, and they are not easily replaced. First, we must bring these not so useful thoughts to our own consciousness, otherwise we don’t even know they exist. Even as successful amazing executives or entrepreneurs we can all have limiting beliefs that we don’t even realise are holding us back from reaching our desires. With the help of an external party like a Life Coach these thoughts can be slowly challenged and reframed, but to do this we have to take massive action ourselves, get over our egos, and choose to do the work.

My point here was, that we must take a serious look at where we are now and then choose or decide where we want to be. A coach can help us set incremental goals and steps on how we can achieve these results, however, the actions we take need to be self-lead and congruent with our values. At the end of the day the choices we make in our life to change, are ours and ours only.?This is why I’ve created my three-day Popcorn Coaching retreat and ‘Walk your Talk’ program. Most of us do not have the resources needed to step up and take time out for ourselves to figure out what we truly want and where we want to take our life next. This unique opportunity allows us to focus on an area of our life, away from the usual chaos of everyday life, and set up a plan for success.??

What I’ve discovered from my own work, is that I can’t change my past, duh obvious I know. ?So, the question I’ve started asking myself is “How does thinking that I’m the ‘victim’ to what has happened to me through getting divorced, serve me and my future relationships? What can I learn from what has happened so I can grow?” Yes, I agree this mindset and these thoughts are not always accessible for many of us…YET. It sometimes takes years of internal work to achieve our true desires and to make progress. But then my question to many of people I talk to about this topic is, “What’s the alternative?” Why not look at these past circumstances (both negative and positive) as opportunities to make new choices??

Going back to our conversation the other night, yes, I agreed and empathised that there are devastatingly disadvantaged people in the world who have gone through divorce. Also, their baseline/start line and ‘their mountain’ will be much more difficult to climb based on their circumstances. However, my point was that taking the first step forward is the key for all of us, and that this is an individual choice that we get to make. As we take each step, we will make progress from where we are. Fortunately, the divorced women we were talking about the other night, and the ones I will work with, are much more advantaged and have huge resources, possibilities, and potential at their fingertips. However, the common thread and the point I was making is that as humans we all can all take that first exciting step into the unknown when armed with the right mindset. And if you have the courage to break out of your comfort zone and access the right support systems, you can choose to evolve and grow your life in a positive way after divorce despite past circumstances that were out of your control.

On reflection, there are so many things I learned from my divorce. First and foremost, that it takes two people to have a successful relationship. For me there’s no point in blaming and shaming myself and my ex-partner, in contrast I have decided to focus on what I want moving forward and this strategy has served me much better. The truth is, we all have choices, and we decide what actions to take in pursuit of our own happiness after divorce. ?And because of this we face the consequences of those choices and the results we receive. Through this process what I’ve learned is that I am the only one who can take accountability for this.

We only have the resources we have at any certain time and when we know better, we do better. Once we are enlightened to the fact that there is possibility out there, we can take the steps needed to get to our destination. In a world of having everything at our fingertips in terms of information, all it takes is a bit of courage, motivation, resilience, and tenacity. Find someone who is doing what you want to do and model their behaviour. Yes, I agree 100% that bad stuff happens to us and there are circumstances out of our control. However, our brains and our neurology are agile and new pathways and habits can be formed when our actions are congruent with our values. When we take the time to discover what really lights us up, the potential is really uncapped. Rather than being a victim to what has been done to us, the first step is to do the work together so we can take on a mindset of accountability and realise that life is happening for us.

I would love to hear what you think, and if you know someone who is struggling with divorce, I’d love to hear from them.