Fearless Warriors in Picket Fences - The Irony of Divorce

Before we got married, my wife and I had to go through a year-long marriage preparation class. The intending couples' class was organized for Christian couples who already have plans to get married. The method of training was both instructional and interactive, the fun part of it was that you get to ask any question you have about marriage, sex, communication, finance, childbirth and so on - the list is endless. The class was organized by elderly Christian couples and the goal was to make sure that all the necessary and important decisions have been made, and the couples are ready to build a solid Christian marriage.

The purpose of this article is not to bore you with the reasons the classes were both great and reflective, and fun! There was an incident that happened during one of the Q and A sessions that struck me to the core. During one of our sessions, a young man stood up on his feet and asked our instructor, "Sir, why are we not talking about Divorce?" The response he got stunned me. The elderly man replied, "Young man, we don't talk about divorce here. Or are you planning to divorce your wife?" Presently, everywhere became quiet. You could hear the sound of hmms and ahhs from the class participants. It was quite a struggle to allow the truth that was just spoken to settle in our minds.

At this point, I became very defensive. I mean, I have pretty much covered my bible more than 6 times, and since I became a believer it has become a yearly exercise for me. I know what Jesus said in the bible in Matthew, the nineteenth chapter, about the conditions for divorce. I could even quote it offhand. Jesus said, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” So, why are we not talking about Divorce? Divorce should be an option if things change. If partners are not faithful to each other anymore, there should be a solution, right? What if the husband becomes abusive or dangerous? What do we do if love fails and we can't seem to agree with one another anymore? Does this mean we should resign to fate and stick with unhappiness for the rest of our lives?

Different questions kept racing through my mind until another kind of thought came through. This has changed my mind radically since then about the issue of divorce. The thought was this, "What if a divorce was not an option?" Let's travel back in time and assume there is nothing like divorce, like divorce never existed! No law court to dissolve marriages, no jury, and no justification whatsoever is tenable for divorce. It means that anyone who gets married is pretty much stuck for life. That is what the words of the oath? “till death do us part” mean. Like this was a really interesting thought to me. I mean, no one goes to the altar or walks down the aisle with a loathed enemy or someone you don't want to grow old with.

Yes, I am aware there are some weird situations in some countries where people are forced to marry people they don't love because of certain creepy reasons. But let's not lose focus here. For most people, marriage is planned and anticipated. So, where is all the kerfuffle about divorce coming from? If we fell in love and agreed to marry one another and took the oath to love ourselves till death, why should divorce even be an option? If we are truly fearlessly “in love” as we proclaimed to be, why are we standing behind the picket fences of divorce and separation? Two things could be the problem. It’s either what we have is not love, or we don’t understand our marriage vows.

Yes, I agree that things happen in marriage that may bring divorce to the table as the only viable and available option. It would take volumes of books to begin to dissect and analyse issues in marriage and all their intricacies. However, if we armed ourselves with the mindset that divorce is not an option, we are more prone to look for a solution rather than an escape. When two people marry, they have become one and inseparable. If couples begin to see themselves as one, then it becomes easy to understand that the problem of one is the problem of both.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud?or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.?It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.?Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13 vs 4-7 (NLT)

I haven’t seen anyone who decides to cut off his head because he has a headache or cut his foot off because he has a wound. The best solution is treatment, not separation. The greatest challenge in all these is understanding what it means to love someone. It is sad to discover that the aspect of love many people are acquainted with now is the love that is sweet and rosy, the love that supplies beautiful boughs of roses and candle-lit dinners. The aspect of love that is patient, forbearing, forgiving, believing, hopes for the best and never gives up is strange and unappealing to most people. This isn’t strange because this kind of love demands selflessness to as much degree as it can get.

It is my desire to stir the embers in the heart of all and sundry who cares to read this article that there are better solutions to marriage problems than divorce. Divorce is never the solution. In most cases, divorce has made a generation of cowards out of us all. A generation that spurns commitment and dedication, a generation that can’t keep promises and be faithful, a generation whose vows and words mean nothing. If you were told that you could not divorce your wife or husband, what would you do? It means couples would focus more on solving the problem rather than running away from it. There is no gainsaying that one of the greatest single causes of crimes and misdemeanours in the world today is broken homes. The “death of the home” has eventually become the “death of the county”.

Broken homes produce broken people who struggle with hurt and acceptance most of their formative years and beyond. I have seen first-hand the damage that a broken home can do to the growth and development of a child. I have also come across divorced people who rant and rave on social media about how they are alpha females and all that. When they have time to get real with what is really happening in their hearts, they start posting stuff about loving themselves, accepting themselves and using success as a facade to cover the pain in their hearts.

Well, one can never remain the same after going through a divorce. All the memes about “if a train is not going in your direction jump off it and take the next train” are all a lie. Spoiler alert, we’re not trains. We are humans with emotions and we’ve invested time, money, emotions and a good part of our lives, and we can’t make it look like it’s nothing no matter how hard we try. Except, of course, we have some extraterrestrial beings among us.

Marriage is a LIFETIME commitment. Don’t go into it with one eye at the exit door. If anyone doesn't feel safe or is not sure about who his/her partner is, it is advisable to stay off getting married. It is better to stay single and happy. Don’t let the pressure to have the wedding everyone is talking about lure you into getting married to someone you know you can’t spend the rest of your life with. If divorce is not an option, I believe most people will tread carefully. It’s easy to make love and make babies, being committed and faithful to the vows when things get tough and tempting is what matters.

Any man or woman who will stay with his/her vows and remain committed even when things don’t seem to be working is worth his/her weight in gold. All the excuses about doing what makes “ME” happy is outright selfish and inconsiderate most of the time. Sorry, but no sorry. It is high time we stopped the confusion going on. The generation coming behind us are taking a cue from us, we have to be deliberate about our marriages and stay focused. Let’s be the people who make marriages work, let’s not add to the already disheartening statistics. It may be hard, but with God, all things are possible.

Adeboye Agboola

Digital Marketer | Christian Blogger