Divorce Do Over? Lessons from the Trenches

As a mediator, QDRO professional, Divorce Transitional Support Advisor and business valuation expert, every day I work with individuals who are going through – or have just been through – difficult divorces. I often end up being the one they turn to with questions, comments and frustrations about their situations.

While I do my best to offer words of wisdom based on my decades of experience, I know that sometimes the words don’t always sink in at that moment. After all, these folks are going through one of the most traumatic experiences of their lifetime. But what I also find is that many of these clients get in touch in the months (and often years) after the divorce is over to share their post-divorce thoughts with me.

I’ve heard some common refrains about what they’d do differently if they could do it over again. I think much of what they shared is helpful information for anyone considering or going through a marital split.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

People are often shocked at the size of their legal bills after a lengthy, contentious divorce. In the heat of the battle, it seemed like a good idea to fight over every small detail. After all, the soon-to-be ex was the enemy, and this was a battle. However, in hindsight, spending thousands of dollars to decide who gets the Tupperware makes zero financial sense. Many clients tell me they wish they’d focused more on the key issues that truly mattered (custody of the kids, most of the time), and let the small stuff slide.

Don’t Lose Sight Of The Future

One area where people tend to fight it out has to do with the children. Long battles over custody and visitation are core issues. However, most of my clients tell me that, years down the road after the children get much older, they reflect back on all the negativity and realize there could have been a different path that would have benefitted everyone. The battle over holiday vacations and overnights seemed to pale in comparison to maintaining a harmonious relationship for the children with both parents.

Don’t Get Caught Up In Good v. Evil

In the heat of divorce, every single thing your soon-to-be-ex does is fodder for anxiety and judgment…and protracted litigation. Yet most clients who come back to me years down the road only feel regret for taking a scorched earth approach to divorce. They recognize that nobody is all good or all evil…everyone is some mixed shade of grey, and they usually regret casting their ex in the “all evil” light. Not only does it come at a high financial cost via exaggerated legal fees, but it creates permanent emotional damage that often precludes a normalized adult relationship post-divorce. They especially regret the negative impact all that tension between parents has on the children over the years.

It is always a bit sad for me to hear of my client’s regrets years down the road. But their sharing with me is an indirect way, I think, for them to help others who are facing the same situation they did all those years ago. I hope you find some of these ideas helpful, too.

To learn more about how a Divorce Transitional Support Advisor can help you or your client regain financial stability after a divorce, please visit our website.