“Diversity, Equity & Inclusion”? Not In My Line Of Business!

“DEI”, or “diversity, equity and inclusion” may be the latest buzzwords in public institutions, and even with some commercial businesses. But when it comes to dating, all these ideals fly out the window at great velocity.

Romance is the polar opposite of inclusivity. What makes it special is its exclusivity.

And romantic relationships aren’t about “equality”, but about individuals. And yes, they are blatantly discriminatory against those we just don’t feel attracted to. C’est la vie!

In all my years as a professional matchmaker, I never had a client who didn’t have very specific,?and - dare we say it - exclusionary preferences. These may include age, educational backgrounds,?profession, income levels, height, weight, body type, mental and physical fitness, ethnicity, nationality, legal residence status, race, religion, and a lot more. Fertility, children from previous relationships, the means and desire to have children (or not) are frequently voiced criteria.

Matchmakers are perfectly used to this, and I assure clients that they don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed of their personal preferences and criteria. But I’m also perfectly frank about the following:

Narrowly defined, exclusionary dating preferences come at a cost, as do demands and expectations.

For one, there’s the fee my agency charges. The more selective and exclusionary a client is, the fewer matches we can make. Our search will be harder and more time consuming. And this is of course reflected in the fees we charge. In plain English: The more picky the client, the more narrow the search parameters, the more money we have to charge.

But money isn’t a determining issue for many of our clients. Many know they are looking for a very rare pink unicorn and are willing to spend what it takes to find it. However, there’s another area where strict and narrow criteria become intensely costly for singles. What I’m referring to is their time and happiness.

In my experience, I have found it rare that someone with very strict dating criteria was able to find a truly successful life partnership with someone who didn’t meet those criteria. I’ve seen it on occasion, but it’s not very likely. Frankly, let me say from experience what’s more likely: extended and prolonged singleness.

Both men and women with extremely strict criteria usually end up single (and searching) for a very long time. And as they feel the best years of their lives passing them by, many tend to become bitter and frustrated. What’s more, quite a few endlessly searching singles make up excuses and find unhealthful ways to compensate for their lacking love live.?

The price “picky” singles are paying comes in terms of lost time. And lost years amount to a much steeper lifetime cost than any amount of money in the world.

So the best and honest advice I can give is this: Accept who you are, and accept your preferences. (If you are my client, I would try my best to show you options, and to explore how much of a compromise might possibly work for you. But only you can expand your own criteria).

But beware! Accepting your preferences fully also means accepting their inherent consequences. Your dating pool will be smaller, and it will inevitably be shrinking as time passes by. You are losing valuable time during which you are limiting your odds of finding happiness in a relationship, and in life. How much smaller your odds really are depends entirely on you, and only on you. I suggest that you accept your criteria, but without being inflexible or dogmatic about them.?

Are you a “picky” dater? Do you have stringent criteria and can’t find anyone to meet them? Don’t fret!

Read the next installment of Eroica Excerpta. In two weeks, I will be giving you tips and concrete steps all singles can take to broaden their scope, and to maximize their dating pool. And, you can do this without forsaking or compromising your preferences!?