Ditching Projects, Degrees and Even "Friends" Can Make You Happy

This week, we responded to a post on Facebook by someone who was frustrated with her determination (fuelled by a comment someone regularly made to her about another issue entirely) to continue a project she no longer believed in.

She felt constrained to plough on, and guilty at even the thought of stopping.

• Dogged persistence on an out-of-date project results in increased levels of sickness and a demotivated team (perhaps that was caused by the project leader not being qualified to make the key decisions).
• Completing that degree you realise is not going to get you the dream career only reinforces your fears that you're just not smart enough (perhaps that thought was implanted by an educator who did not recognise Dyslexia for example).
• Even something as simple as finishing that uninspiring business book can be fuelled by a throwaway comment by a business friend (who has probably long-since forgotten):"you're not really a finisher are you?".

Completing Things Sounds Like an Achievement, But What if They're No Longer Serving You or Your Team?

Practice Rational Selfishness

We've been taught that selfishness is bad. But when others dictate how we should act, make decisions for us and comment (without being asked) on things that do not concern them, their selfishness must be countered with our own.

• Say "no" more. People will stop taking your free help on projects for granted.
• Limit the amount of time you spend on things. Demonstrate that you value your time, and others will begin to accept it. What choice do they have? Unless you're a child, they're no longer in charge of how you spend your time.
• Object in the face of the objectionable. Assert your Bill of Assertive Rights.

Even adopting these three key principles will help to gain back control over your own choices and build your happiness.

Set Boundaries

Having made it something of a personal mission to rid the world of controllers everywhere, I've read pretty much every book on bullying I can get my hands on. I always come back to Christian authors, Cloud and Townsend, who wrote Boundaries. Their irrefutable warcry is: "This is where you end, and I begin.". That has stayed with me for years. Imagine an electrified fence or a red line. This is you; this is me (each on the other side). While I may choose to let you across my boundary, you must respect that is is still a boundary; it is still there, and I can put you back across it again – physically, and even permanently.

Empowering and happiness-inducing!

Put Guilt Where It Belongs

I'm tempted to say: Get in the Sea, but that would be unprofessional – though entirely appropriate. Suffice to say that guilt is an emotion only relevant when you've done something wrong (and even then, it should indulged in strictly in proportion to the infraction). For an extended discourse read Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

If unhappiness comes from the constraints, obligations we put on ourselves based on what others say, then imagine how liberating it feels to break those cords?!

Can Ditching Things Make You Happy?

Yes. If something is no longer serving you, it's not going to make you happy. If the decision to continue is based on a long-forgotten, throwaway comment by yet another busybody (or alternatively, a narcissist with a God complex – isn't it amazing how those with the least knowledge talk the most?!), even more reason to practice selfishness, boundaries and assertiveness.

If you need help developing these skills in your team, knowing when to make hard decisions in order to stop wasting time on things that no longer serve you or your organisation, get in touch. We can develop a programme that is adapted to your circumstances and the happiness challenges within your team.

Contact Sensei on 084 5527 0474 or [email protected].

#MindStuff #happiness #selfishness #boundaries #guilt #assertiveness