Ditch the Drama: Choose the Empowerment Triangle

Being in drama

Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for our actions, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling taken advantage of by others.

Have you ever come across an individual that seems to generate drama as they enter the room? Is there evidence of drama in your team?  

If left, drama has a tendency to escalate… and escalate… and escalate… until you have an office full of anxious employees who aren’t focused on what matters - results. What ways can you ditch the drama?

This article will help you to discover strategies for working through the victim-rescuer-persecutor cycle and stepping into empowerment. 

The Drama Triangle Uncovered

 Drama, in this case, refers to dysfunctional social interactions.

Steven Karpman (1968) developed the concept of the ‘drama triangle’ which is a model for explaining specific co-dependent, destructive inter-action patterns, which negatively impact relationships, internal dynamics and team performance.

Karpman’s Drama Triangle, based on Berne’s Transactional Analysis model, is a powerful tool for analysing situations with an objectified perspective – from the outside in. The focus is on the connection between responsibility for impact and power. It models how individual ‘scripts’ can be played out subconsciously. What needs to be examined, understood and changed, is the original ‘script’ belief and the decision on ways to act whilst being proactive (instead of reactive). This is usually the source of the unconscious, often negative, behavioural pattern. The understanding of this is crucial if a leader, or team member, is to be able to support their team to both understand and change their behavioural patterns.

Each position on this triangle has clear, readily identifiable characteristics. Whenever a person becomes entangled in any one of these positions, they literally keep spinning from one position to another, destroying the opportunity for healthy relationships and productive team dynamics. Positively, once a team becomes aware of these positions they can then choose to break this cycle; they can transcend the ‘drama triangle’.

Team member may be able to separate from the drama and perform effectively, yet together, there may be cohesion and the drama escalates. The same can happen in other situations such as in families. Resolving these dysfunctional behaviours is essential for eliminating team tensions as well as increasing healthy, productive personal and professional relationships.

 What are the different roles people play in the Drama Triangle?

The Victim

We have all played Victim at some point in our life. Some people live as the Victim, whilst others dip into it for a few seconds or a few minutes before they recalibrate.

As the victim you may feel oppressed, helpless, powerless, ignored, patronized, unimportant, insignificant and well, victimised.

At the extreme the victim’s focus is on negativity and all that is wrong. They find themselves in a place where they feel powerless and, at times, insignificant often spending endless hours talking about their problems, their bad luck and how they have been hurt. They can be depressed, wallow in self-pity and blaming others. Things are never right and there is never enough: time, money, support, opportunity, attention...

Victim energy can make other team members feel worn out, depleted, frustrated, lacking in energy and depressed from the negativity. Regardless of how much time, attention, information, energy or support is provided, the victim rarely changes or has the impetus to change.

As a leader, it is important to remember that people only change when they are ready to take full responsibility for all of their thoughts, words, actions and creations. Until then, there will be little positive momentum or energy.

When we feel helpless, or taken advantage of, we’re caught in the victim role. We insist that we’ve been treated unfairly or cruelly, or we collapse into tears or silence. Hidden in the victim’s apparent weakness is often a desire to trigger the caretaking impulses that characterize the rescuer, or the hostility that prompts the persecutor.

What ways can you encourage a victim to take ownership and responsibility for their situation?

The Rescuer

The rescuer role may be identified by asking ‘why is this behaviour toxic’? Yet the harmonizer or rescuer wants to avoid confrontation, and feel that things are ‘fixed’, to avoid confrontation and difficulty situations.   

Rescuers may feel positive, knowledgeable, caring, like a hero. It can also be about their ego, about them being seen and giving quick fix ‘solutions’.

If there is a rescuer in your team they may spend hours, days, weeks or even years attempting to change, control and to get respect from others. They frequently have a veneer of control, power and superiority, always appearing to be confident and in control. Rescuers tend to thrive on taking care of and attempting to direct the lives of other people.

While they may appear to influence, control and change others, the rescuer often attempts to gain attention and respect from the team members which helps them to carve an identity. They pretend to know more than other team members and frequently have an answer for everything, even if they have little experience regarding the subject.

When we act as compulsive caretakers or enablers, we’re caught in the rescuer role. We drain our bodies, souls, and bank accounts in an effort to rescue apparent victims. The rescuer helps provoke victim behavior by ignoring the autonomy of others and inadvertently stealing their power. This triggers the arrival of a persecutor when the subject of a rescue effort becomes resentful.

What ways can you encourage a rescuer look inwards and consider what they themselves need in order to progress?

The Persecutor

Due to whatever reasons, the frenetic pace of work, limited resources, outside pressures from home-life and learnt behaviours, the Villain or persecutor may try to distill their stress by consciously or subconsciously dispelling it onto others, usually subordinates.

Persecutors thrive upon power. They are strong, dominant, confident, blameless, sometimes angry, and often controlling.

The bully in your team is the persecutor in this triangle. They blame others for their issues, short-falls and misunderstandings.

Interestingly, victims and rescuers can become persecutors, if they vent their frustration, anger and resentment at others, blaming others for their negative feelings. Rather than taking personal responsibility and walking away they can stay locked into the destructive patterns, antagonizing and attacking what they perceive to be the source of their frustration.

A victim can become angry with the rescuer or persecutor, because they feel that have pushed too hard, demanded too much, or not provided enough delegation or space for others to grow.

What ways can you work with a persecutor in order to stop them punishing others through destructive actions such as dominating, controlling, nagging, belittling, shaming, blaming and humiliating? 

Consider strategies a persecutor can develop in order to disengage with the role, to focus on taking care of themselves and to consider what is needed in order to get their own life in order.

If we intimidate or act aggressively toward others, often due to lack of time or other resources, and our own insecurities, we get caught in the persecutor role. We might act out of self-protection or believe someone deserves to be ‘punished’, but either way we’re blaming others for our anger. The persecutor triggers others to play the victim, and produces rescuers by creating situations where someone needs to be saved.

How to disconnect from the ‘drama triangle’

Leaders and team members need to focus on ways to break the drama cycle. 

What ways can you disconnect from the ‘drama triangle’ and step into empowerment?

Stepping away from being a victim into creating and producing solutions is helped by focusing on a vision of a desired outcome. In this way the victim takes full responsibility for initiating action to achieve what they, and their team need.

Thoughts: I have a choice despite my circumstances I am dedicated to continuing growth I am focused on what I want to create

Feelings: Hopeful Energized Inspired Resilient

Behaviors: Action oriented toward desired outcomes

Takes responsibility to make choices / Uses baby steps to learn and grow

Instead of harmonizing, sometimes, sweeping things under the carpet, avoiding the ‘elephant in the room’, the rescuer or harmoniser can empower people through powerful questioning, to gain clarity. Support is a very different energy than ‘fixing’, the latter being disempowering.

Thoughts: People are resourceful and creative I trust others and their abilities

Feelings: Compassionate and engaged Fulfilled and reflective Supportive and “non-attached”

Behaviors: Uses inquiry to help others and self to develop their own clarity and vision

Empowers and develops others / Encourages and provides positive reinforcement

As opposed to being a villain or a persecutor, the assertor or challenger can initiate co-creation, sparks learning opportunities, delegate and play ‘devil’s advocate’, or the ‘black hat’ (Edward de Bono), identifying and working with pressure points whilst ‘playing with’ assumptions and the status quo. The assertor has a focuses on improvement and development by holding people accountable for actions.

Thoughts: Things unfold at their own pace “You” can do it Trust the process

Feelings: Self-awareness Empowered through living their values Confident, direct and clear

Behaviors: Provokes or evokes themselves and others to take action

Focuses on improvement and growth / Holds self and others accountable

The below steps can help a team to move towards empowerment, enabling individual, team and organisational potential:

Step One

Become mindful of pattern and then work to develop self-awareness, then educate your team. Once aware of the patterns and behaviours, team members are then enabled and can choose to step into the energy of the Empowerment Triangle.

Step Two

Consider:

·      What’s serving me?

·      What makes me act this way?

·      What am I trying to control?

·      What am I ignoring?

·      What part am I playing?

·      What makes me play this part?

·      What is it that I really want, need or desire for myself and from others?

·      What part is the team playing in this situation?

·      What needs to change?

·      What can I do to change?

·      What if nothing changes?

There are times we need to stay in prickly, disruption and being uncomfortable so that issues are not harmonised and ignored, but addressed. Short-terms fixing does not produce long-term impact.

Here’s an acronym to help:

STAY

S -  sense / give space

T -   tune in without judgement

A -  allow things to present themselves

Y -   yes, exactly, you are right – and I may also be right, I hear you, see you, ‘get’ you, I have clarity!

Remember: Clarity is powerful (Nancy Kline, Time to Think, 2012)

Step Three

The victim needs to develop awareness of their patterns and to stop looking for someone or something outside them to fix themselves, to give them the answers or to give them the love and support they need.  Whereas the rescuer needs to stop trying to change, control or get support from others. All corners of the triangle need to learn how to support and respect themselves. Persecution and blaming others only creates further negativity and will never accomplish anything positive.

When the team moves away from feeling powerless and blaming others, to the place of focusing on what it is that it truly needs, at relational systemic level, it can take powerful positive steps and enable the potential of all team members.

Rather than berate ourselves every time we find ourselves getting caught in high-drama patterns, it can be helpful to simply recognize that these dynamics persist at the heart of almost every human conflict. So recognizing our role in the Drama Triangle and stepping outside it is something we’ll all probably have to do again and again.

Decision time

Picture this.

You’ve just made the controversial decision to put a newly hired project manager on a critical new account. It’s undoubtedly the right move for client satisfaction. You begin to sense the rumblings of drama later that day. Several desks are empty, and a few people are talking in low tones over coffee. You return to your office to find a cadre of unhappy project managers. It is immediately clear that they disagree with your decision.

Now that you’ve heard them out, your next move is critical. What do you do?

A)  Pretend you have a meeting and leave without resolving anything

B)  Claim that upper management forced you to make that decision, and join in the chorus of complaints about how unfair it all is

C)  Explain that you had no idea they’d be so upset, and promise to reverse the decision

D)  Double down on your decision and threaten to replace the entire project management team if they can’t get on board

E)  Help them accept reality by reasserting your decision and asking for ideas on how to make it work.

What’ the best answer?

E) is most appropriate. Unfortunately, poor choice can happen if people wish to avoid conflict, because they feel threatened or simply due to lack of tools (skills, knowledge or behaviours) to make option E) work.

One step to help ditching the drama is to edit your own story. Just because people are whispering and appear to be upset, that doesn’t mean you should take any action until you have confirmed your beliefs by simply asking or ‘checking in’ on your assumptions. If it turns out you are correct, bring clarity to the situation, in this case, and explain why the newly hired person is the best fit for the project manager role. Then support the team in making things work for all, as a win-win by asking what the need from you. 

Focusing on the next helpful action is the best way to ditch the drama. 

Openness, honesty, transparency, even vulnerability, and asking for support, really do work in conflict resolution. It is also good to do a ‘weather check’ – to ascertain how the individual team players feel about a situation from the get go.

The Learning

When ‘shifts’ happen, and you move into a Producer, Assertor or Coach role, greater awareness and options become available to you.

With practice and time, though, we might find that the less drama we co-create, the more satisfying relationships we are able to enjoy.

Dr Clare Beckett-McInroy EdD MCC CMMEC

Executive Coach

Qatar Financial Centre