Distrust – “Not that you lied to me but that I no longer believe you has shaken me.” (Nietzche)

This is part 2 of a three part series on trust. If you missed part 1, find it here.

People have a great intuition when something doesn’t fit. We sense it. We have all been in situation in which our bodies and minds kept telling us “This is not ok. Something is fishy. I don’t like this. Let’s get out of here.” However, very often it’s hard to explain where our suspicion in coming from. We can’t really put a finger on it – we just know it doesn’t feel right.

We need trust because that is the only way we can function in this world. Trust helps us predict what might happen in the future. We count on people to behave in certain ways, we count on them being the way they have been before (reliability), we count on them not to do us harm (intent), and we count on them to be able to do what we expect of them (capability). If we doubt any of these, we suddenly do not know what might happen next. We do not feel safe and spend a lot of our energy keeping our defenses up. Energy that would otherwise be invested into reaching our goals and doing our best. Make no mistake – when there is no trust, doing the work comes low on the priority list. We will always choose keeping our back safe first and doing the work second.

But how do we end up here?

Some people have never learned to feel safe in this world. It goes back to playing pickaboo, crying for help and exploring the world as babies. If babies learn that when they call for help, help comes, they learn to trust the world. They learn to feel essentially safe and trust people around them. Some people, unfortunately, did not have that experience. Some babies were left to “cry in out” and fall asleep alone in their cribs after giving up on the world. They learned that you cannot rely on anyone and that, ultimately, we’re all alone. Or they learned this lesson later, when they started to explore the world, and their caregiver either did not let them explore (because “the world is such a dangerous place, and you are so small and uncapable”) or they were left to themselves and did not have a safe harbor to return to after their exploration. In both cases, the child develops an unsafe attachment pattern that they drag on into adulthood, making it difficult to form meaningful relationships. They lack the capability to trust themselves and others. If you recognize yourself in this pattern, you are not alone; and it might be worthwhile to get professional support in learning to trust. Therapy is not magic, but it does wonders.

However, distrust is not always dysfunctional. It is a warning system of our bodymind, telling us something isn’t right. It gets triggered when we sense incongruency, when what people are saying is not aligned with what they do, or when we sense a difference between words and body language, or when we’ve been repeatedly disappointed or hurt.

We use different words for distrust – we use doubt when we are unsure of somebody’s capability or reliability; but we more often use the word suspicion when we are unsure about the person’s intent or integrity.

With the upcoming election in Slovenia, distrust is everywhere (both doubt and suspicion). Some people also feel betrayed by the government: the ones who trusted it in the first place. We trust our leaders to take care of us, to at the very least do no harm – and when power is abused and the leadership privilege used for personal gain instead of public interest, we might feel betrayed. As Brené Brown shares in Atlas of the Heart: “I've learned that power is not bad, but the abuse of power or using power over others is the opposite of courage; it's a desperate attempt to maintain a very fragile ego.”

When we have been betrayed, it is very hard to get back to trust. As Nietzche has been misquoted regularly: “I’m not upset you lied to me, I’m upset that now I can’t believe you.” (The real quote is in the title.) The foundation of relationship changes when we have been betrayed. It shatters. We might be collecting marbles, but the jar had been broken, our small acts of kindness and love have no container. When we have betrayed somebody, everything we do is questioned. When someone had betrayed us, we make up stories about their fundamental “goodness”, we are suspicious of their intentions and we doubt their capability to change, no matter how fiercely they promise to do better. And with politicians, we have learned before those promises don’t last for much longer than right up to election day.

Let us listen to our body when it tells us “what I value is not safe with this person in this situation”. Let us explore their integrity. Their capability. Their intent. Their reliability. Let us dig deep into this distrust, name it, and when we know how we have been betrayed, let us hold each other accountable.

But don’t tell me “Just trust me,” when I see evidence everywhere of why I shouldn’t. It’s a red flag. It’s gaslighting. It’s not ok.

I’ve been told “you’re crazy” and cheated on for a year.

I’ve been told “it’s taken care of” and then nothing happened.

I’ve been told “I’ll always be here for you” and abused.

Words mean very little when there is nothing to back them up. And yet, words make worlds when they help us build.

Distrust in our leaders right now is healthy precaution. Most of us have been betrayed by power. So, leaders, don’t take offense in people not trusting you. Earn it. Prove it to our traumatized minds and bodies that the world can be a better, safer, more courageous place than what we have experienced in the past. It might feel weird in the beginning, stories in people’s minds are powerful. If we persist, if we consistently show care, integrity, capability and reliability, people can learn to trust again.