Distracted by thoughts about myself

Why can the state of being present be so elusive? ?We might be able to catch glimpses of it throughout a normal day, and yet it can be hard to hold on to when we do.? Why is that, I wonder??

Distractions

Let’s explore how we might answer this question together, starting with an experiment. Read the following steps and then try them before continuing.?

• Pause for about a minute (it doesn’t have to be precisely a minute!)
• As you do, take a moment to become still and present
• Empty your mind of thoughts
• Let go of any distractions
• After what feels like a minute, continue reading

What did you notice? ??

Whilst we will all experience this differently, people may experience some general patterns.

• ?You might have chosen to skip the pause completely and come up with a reason for doing so, such as “I’ll do it later,” “This is stupid,” “I’m too busy,” or “I’d feel silly doing it here.”?
• You might have quickly become present for a few moments before distractions started to appear. These distractions may have been external to you, internal, such as thoughts or feelings, or a combination of both.
• You might have been initially distracted, but as time passed, you became more present and less distracted.
• You might feel you never become present at any stage.

Which of these patterns did you notice for yourself? Ultimately, I’d imagine that if you tried the experiment, distractions would be a key element of what you noticed. Today, we will focus on how our thoughts distract us.

Thoughts and Sensations?

If we are alive, we’re always thinking and sensing. ?Take our skin as an example. It’s covered in various receptors that allow us to detect mechanical stimulus (Mechanoreceptors), temperature (thermoreceptors) and pain (nociceptors).? Chances are, when you dressed yourself this morning, you might have briefly become aware of the texture of the fabric or its temperature, and your skin came alive with feeling.? A short time later, it’s likely all those sensations faded, and you will no longer be aware of them.? Take a moment now and see if you can notice the touch of your clothing against your skin again.? Notice how it takes conscious effort to remain present in these sensations??

The same process is happening with our thoughts.? However, for some reason, we are more likely to stay aware of our thoughts rather than noticing them and then letting them drift into the background. ??

Let’s embrace the approach of Socrates, the well-known Greek philosopher from ~2500 years ago, and ask ourselves, “Why?” Why do we give so much of our attention to our thoughts??

Identity?

One reason, especially in Western cultures, is our value of intelligence and our ability to ‘think’. We are rewarded for it in school and promoted for it in the workplace.? We place ‘thinkers’ on a pedestal.? Given this, it’s unsurprising that we associate our identity and worth with our thoughts.? Chances are you have been collecting ‘labels’ throughout your life.? “I am a man”, “I am an Engineer”, “I am a Coach”, “I am a husband”, “I am an introvert”, and so on.?? Our thoughts have constructed all of these based on experiences that we have had.?

"Live out of your imagination, not your history" – Stephen Covey

However, you are not defined by your thoughts.? While your past experiences may influence how you experience today, they don’t define who you are or who you can become in the future.?

Without realising this, our thoughts will limit us.? They will distract, seduce, and lie to us – all of which will prevent us from becoming present with our true selves.

Neuroplasticity

It’s hard to believe that it wasn’t that long ago, relatively speaking, that we used to think our brains stopped developing at a certain age. ?Thankfully, we now realise that isn’t quite the case.? Rather than rigid and fixed, our brains have something called neuroplasticity, where the neuron networks in our brain can change and evolve, making new connections and removing old connections.? For example, if we think of specific thoughts, we will have a well-established set of neural pathways that enable that thought to happen quickly (and probably automatically).? ?

But now we know we can change these; they are not fixed.? With time and effort, we can cause a change that reduces these neural pathways and constructs new ones. ??We are in control; we have a choice.?

Choosing to reframe?

Let’s bring this to life with an example of how I got distracted by my thoughts and perceptions about my identity, which detracted from my presence and enjoyment. Recently, I picked up my saxophone after a 20-year break from playing.? My initial thought was that I was “learning” to play the saxophone and that I was never that good despite having played it before.? When I hit specific notes, squeaks rather than a lovely tone would come out.? I’d tell myself, “I’m never going to get this”.? I’d look at a piece of music and think, “Oh, that’s too complicated for me; I’m only a learner”.? ?Given these thoughts about how I saw myself, how do you think this limited my ability to be present and enjoy playing the saxophone???

As I became more conscious of these thoughts, I looked at them differently.? Rather than seeing myself as a learner, I reframe my ability as rusty and that I’m re-remembering how to play the saxophone.? When I come across a piece of music I used to shy away from, I’ll give it a go and surprise myself at how much I can play already.? I notice my progress rather than beating myself up for the perception that I’m not progressing.? I also remind myself why I’m doing this in the first place.? It’s unlikely that I’ll ever be the next Charlie Parker, but that’s okay.? I’m doing this purely for fun.? Whether or not I’m a fantastic saxophone player shouldn’t matter – it’s not part of my identity.? What’s more important is whether I’m enjoying it or not?

What do you think happened as I changed my thinking and stopped associating who I am with my saxophone playing ability?? Yes, you guessed it, I started having more fun!? I now look forward to playing daily rather than dreading it. ?I also feel more present in the playing experience rather than living in my head beating myself up for not being good enough.? Ironically, being more present and having more fun has also meant my playing continues to improve.?

Putting it into practice?

What can you do now that you recognise how thoughts can reinforce identity and distract you from being present? The first step is to become more aware of how you have created your identity and your associated thoughts. Below, you’ll find two exercises to support you: a “Who I am/Who I am Not” exercise and an audio meditation.?

“Who I am/Who I am Not” Exercise

1. ?Prepare Your Workspace: Find a quiet space to reflect without interruptions. Have a piece of paper and a pen ready for the exercise.
2. Create two Columns:

• Draw a vertical line down the centre of your paper to create two columns.
• Title the left column "Who I Am" and the right column "Who I Am Not."

3. Reflect on Your Identity:

• In the "Who I Am" column, list the words or labels you identify with. These can include roles you play, characteristics you embody, or any aspects of your identity you hold dear.
• In the "Who I Am Not" column, note down the labels or characteristics you believe do not apply to you or that you consciously reject or disassociate from.

4.?????Delve Deeper:

• Take a moment to look at your "Who I Am" list. Reflect on how each aspect of your identity influences your daily presence. Ask yourself: "How does identifying as 'X' affect my interactions and my ability to be present in various situations?"
• For each, consider when you might not embody that trait. This helps challenge the idea that these labels are absolute and allows for a broader understanding of your identity.

5.?????Examine the Opposites:

• Now, focus on the "Who I Am Not" column. Reflect on how not identifying with these aspects might limit your presence and openness in different contexts.
• Contemplate scenarios where you have or could embody these characteristics, even if they feel foreign to you. What would change if you did?

6.?????Integrate Your Insights:

• Take a moment to ponder the lists you’ve created. Consider what new understandings you’ve gained about how you perceive yourself and how that perception shapes your presence.

7.?????Wrap-Up:

• Conclude the exercise by acknowledging that our labels and identities are not fixed and can be reshaped. Recognise that you can choose which aspects of your identity you want to strengthen and which you might want to let go of or reconsider.

8.??? Journal Your Experience

• After completing the exercise, journal any new insights or feelings that arose. What did you discover about your presence through this reflection? How might this influence your actions going forward?

Meditation

Below, you’ll also find an audio meditation that may support you become present while connecting with your head, heart, and gut wisdom.?

This reflective exercise and mediation are two ways to expand awareness of how you create your identity and how that sense of who you are can distract or interfere with your ability to become present. It is a starting point for change and an opportunity to start building new neural pathways and recognising that we are not defined by our thoughts, just as our future isn’t defined by our past.

"Life's like a movie, write your own ending" - Kermit the frog

?Keep in touch

I hope you have enjoyed this edition of the Leading with Presence newsletter. In the comments below, I’d love to hear what you’ve discovered from exploring how our identity can distract us via our thoughts from being present. Please share what resonated or any further thoughts or insights you might have so that we can continue the conversation together.

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