Discovering Happiness

An incident from my childhood made me realize just how precious life can be.

It happened when a friend came to visit my parents on their small farm. This friend, perhaps out of curiosity or recklessness, picked up a .22 rifle, aimed it, and pulled the trigger. The bullet narrowly missed my head by mere inches.

You could say I'm fortunate to be alive today. At that time, I was just a 6-month-old baby, peacefully asleep in my cot. My father, understandably furious, smashed the rifle, and he never saw his friend again.

Now, what does this harrowing incident have to do with happiness, you might wonder?

Well, in my view, it has everything to do with it.

Life is unpredictable, and we often have no control over the things that happen to us. So, why not let go of the things that hold no real meaning?

Life is short, and none of us know when our time will be up.

People ask me every day how to discover happiness.

I reside in the beautiful town of Havelock North, New Zealand, where I guide and coach individuals on their journey to happiness, both in person and online.

And while today, I maintain a natural calm and peaceful state, when I do stray from it, I gently remind myself to return to my natural state of happiness.

Today, my deepest satisfaction comes from sharing insights on social media platforms and working with clients worldwide, helping those grappling with anxiety, sadness, depression, relationship, business and life challenges, in their pursuit of happiness.

And so, you might assume that I possess a quick and easy formula for happiness as if there's a simple answer waiting to be uncovered.

But it's not that simple.

Just like excelling in my favorite sport, competitive squash required relentless practice and repeating shots thousands of times, I worked diligently to be consistently happy.

During my childhood, I frequently struggled with unhappiness. I sought external sources like sports and achievements to elevate my mood. It all began when we moved from the farm to an orchard when I was just 3 years old.

At the back of the orchard was a schoolyard where I watched other children play, eagerly awaiting my first day of school.

When that day finally arrived, I was excited. I nervously approached two boys and asked, "Can I play with you?" Their response was far from friendly. One boy yelled, "Go away, you're too big," while the other added, "Yeah, go away." I walked away feeling like I didn't belong, like I was "too big" to fit in. I shied away from groups of children and adults, developed a lisp, and made myself "small" to fit in. I yearned for acceptance and love, just like any child.

So, I spent years making myself "small" to fit in. Over the years, I had many friends, but they often came and went, whether they were from church, my career, or sports.

My happiness was often tethered to external circumstances. When things went well, I was happy; when they didn't, I was miserable. I oscillated between happiness and unhappiness, anxiety and excitement.

But one day, I decided that I'd had enough. I didn't want happiness to be occasional; I wanted it all the time. So, I committed to discovering the secret, day after day, much like my dedication to squash.

I had an ordinary upbringing with no major trauma, but I inherited a tendency for moodiness from my father, who had a lonely childhood not knowing his father.

His occasional low mood influenced my behavior. And I wanted to not be like that.

My journey into personal development began over forty years ago, initially as a form of self-exploration.

If you're reading this because you're not as happy as you'd like to be, you and I are kindred spirits, whether you're grappling with anxiety, depression, grief, or just a sense that something is missing in your life.

My path to happiness took a significant turn when I transitioned from horticultural science to sales and sales management over four decades ago. At the age of twenty-eight, I was already managing the country's largest sales team, but I felt out of my depth. I turned to books, hoping to find the key to happiness through knowledge. I believed it might be like solving a mathematical equation—something I could learn. However, despite my extensive reading and understanding, happiness remained elusive.

Books on personal development, podcasts, gratitude, fitness, diet, sleep, and various psychological tools were helpful but not enough.

In 1991, my corporate career reached its peak, and I was working long hours under relentless pressure to perform. But then, everything came crashing down when my best friend, who was the regional manager of the company, fired me. I was devastated.

I had a mortgage to pay and three young children to care for. I felt betrayed and deeply fearful of letting my family down. The future seemed bleak. Unable to find another job quickly, I strangely felt relieved, which was counterintuitive. It was then that I realized this could be my opportunity to chart a new course.

I began to think about what truly mattered to me. What were my passions, goals, and aspirations? I started exploring different paths and eventually found my true calling. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.

In a moment of crisis, a simple lunch date with a new friend changed my life forever. As I entered my friend's portrait studio, I was captivated by the stunning images on the walls. It was then that I knew I wanted a life with less stress and more freedom to do what I love, with whom I want, and when I want. This ignited my passion for portrait photography, and I started learning the art in my spare time from a retired professional.

At first, I didn't quite understand the importance of light in photography. To me, light was just light. But my mentor showed me how to see light differently, and I was completely captivated by his enthusiasm for "seeing the light." Through exercises like studying the play of light on a tree or the soft light falling through a window, I began to see light as a magical tool that could transform lifeless subjects into dazzling masterpieces.

I later realized that this principle applies not only to photography but to life in general. We all have a light within us that can shine brightly when we learn to harness it. I refer to this light within as our internal state of BEING.

Like photography, true happiness has a lot to do with the art of understanding our emotions much the same as a photographer works with light.

In my work today, I'm passionate about helping others discover what lights them up on the inside, bringing out their very best, and creating a life that positively impacts those around them.

For the longest time, I thought that being is just being - that I am a human being, and that's it. But it took a mentor to show me that to live an extraordinary life, you need to see who you are ‘BEING.’

When you see it, you can gently change or modify one way of being for another more helpful way of ‘BEING’ that can serve you better.

We all have an internal definition of what is possible to be the best version of ourselves - our true selves. But creating it requires a shift of focus to the inside out, by focusing on your state of ‘BEING.’

With this understanding is the key to shifting your way of being from being unhappy to being happy. It's like there are always two possibilities present for me. The unhappy Grant might be moody, grumpy or frustrated. Or the best version of Grant who can be grateful, calm and happy. I get to choose.

Objects in and of themselves have no inherent color, and it's the same with our state of being. They eagerly await our interpretation, like a blank canvas waiting for the painter's brush. This means we can reinterpret an emotional state such as enthusiasm, joy, anger, or anxiety as our ‘BEING’ at any given moment. And when you are aware of your emotional state, you can literally choose your BEING.

You can choose to be happy. But you must be aware that you do have a choice in any given moment otherwise you are being run automatically by how any situation occurs to you triggering predetermined behaviors (emotions and actions). Like software that has already been programmed.

Now I want to share with you how we can all learn to capture the essence of our true selves, just like in photography, and create a life that we love. A life of happiness.

This essence I call my inner ‘Grantness.’

Photography for me was not just about taking technically brilliant shots; it's about capturing the essence of my client’s personalities, so they are captured ‘BEING’ at their best.

And the same goes for you. You can choose to ‘BE’ loving, grateful, and accepting in every situation. When you change the way you look at your being, the being you look at changes.

As the great poet Hafiz once said, "I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness, the Astonishing Light of your own Being!"

In the 1990s, while we were managing a small business with an office in Kuala Lumpur, a serendipitous encounter with the Malaysian Ambassador to NZ, Tunku Nazihah, led to a meeting with the King and Queen of Malaysia. During a cup of tea, I curiously asked the King, Yang di-Pertuan Agong, what it was like being the King in his palace and whether he was happy.

His response, delivered in crisp English with an Oxford-educated accent, left a lasting impression on me.

He said, "It’s not what most people think. While it is an honor to serve my country, I’m on a strict agenda, and my time is hardly my own. Often, the palace feels like a jail for me." His words made me realize that even someone at the pinnacle of status and power could be dissatisfied with their life.

Returning home, I felt adrift, like a yacht without a mooring, unsure of my direction. Then, my younger daughter posed a simple yet profound question, "Dad, why do you travel overseas all the time?" I replied, "Business is better overseas." She continued to inquire, "Why?" My answers led to a sobering realization.

She said tearfully, "I don't want any of those things, Dad. I only want more time with you and Mum." Her words melted my heart and shifted my definition of 'success' from material to meaningful.

This was the start of my first key to being happy. I chose to go from a good to a great relationship with my wife Christine and my 3 children.

Then again serendipity struck. In 1999, a new friendship blossomed with a family from Chile who moved in next door. We welcomed them with chocolate chip cookies, and our friendship deepened over shared meals, yachting, tennis, golf, and heartfelt conversations. This friendship, especially with Carlos, brought about a profound change in my life.

Carlos and I communicated differently than with most friends. We truly listened to each other, diving into deep, meaningful conversations. It was in these moments that I felt truly heard and understood. Sharing my vulnerabilities, secrets, failures, and successes with him was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I thought, "Thank God, someone gets what it's like to be me."

Our talks helped me shed the thorn buried deep within my soul. It was the acceptance and love I received from Carlos that unlocked another key to happiness for me—true friendship.

One day, Carlos and his friend, George, from Chile, approached me during a barbecue. They had something important to discuss, something that felt like a turning point. Carlos explained the concept of a "Compadre," originating from Chilean freedom fighters who supported each other in their fight for independence. A Compadre was a friend for life, closer than a brother. They invited me to become a Compadre, and as I accepted, my heart expanded like a tornado. It was a transformative moment that allowed me to heal and become whole.

But life wasn't done with its twists and turns. I snapped my Achilles tendon playing squash, and Christine, my wife, decided to retrain as a therapist. We sold our business, and at the age of forty-five, I transitioned from being a professional photography studio owner to a professional therapist.

We have discovered the key to living a life of meaning and purpose by serving towards purpose bigger than yourself. This led to me discovering why I was put on this planet. To help rid the world of insecurities. This was my third key to happiness.

We delved into couples therapy, family therapy, corporate EAP counselling, and leadership development, with over 10,000 sessions. I applied what I learned to my own life, witnessing significant progress and growth in myself and my clients. My well-being improved substantially, and my relationships flourished.

Yet, life had one more lesson to teach me. During a challenging period, marked by family tragedies and personal struggles, I realized I needed to work on my identity and create a more powerful version of myself for the future. I learned to focus on creating myself from the inside out.

I often use the analogy of Michelangelo carving the statue of David. He focused on the angel, the perfect vision within the marble, and carved it to set it free from the marble.

Similarly, I help leaders remove the barriers that prevent them from being their best selves and carve out their magnificence.

Being your true self and at your happiest starts with focusing on the angel, the best, authentic definition of yourself rather than the marble, the worst version of yourself.

My purpose in sharing my story is to suggest that there is a more helpful pathway to happiness, satisfaction, peace, and joy.

My mission in life is to help shortcut the long journey I took to learn this lesson.

So, I ask you: what is the most powerful and happiest version of yourself that you would want to capture to create the future you really want?

It’s not about doing, it's about being.

This is the work I now do with my clients—helping them create their second act, ensuring the next 30 years of their lives are 10 times happier, 10 times better. We work on discovering their true selves and embracing their inner light.

My purpose in sharing my story is to offer an alternative path to happiness, satisfaction, peace, and joy. My mission is to help others avoid the long and winding journey I took to learn these lessons.

So, I ask you, what is the most powerful and happiest version of yourself that you would want to capture to create the future you truly desire? It's not about doing; it's about being.

Alongside Christine, my mission is to teach wise men (and a few smart women) to become happier in the second act of their lives. This happiness starts from within and radiates outward into your family, relationships, work, and spiritual life.

If this story speaks to you, please reach out to me via a LinkedIn message or email, [email protected] and let’s schedule a conversation to discover what a breakthrough in happiness would look like for you.