Discourse on Gerontophilia - A Healing Journey or Social Taboo - by Benjamin Sarumi

It's been a challenge putting my words to truth on this subject as I am often reminded to forget that as a boy (child) I was molested for four years by a teenager who at the time suffered FOMO - Fear of missing out, impacts of early pornographic exposure and life between the crossfire of separating parents. Why make excuses for her? I was Seven going on Eight, she was Fourteen. Everyone fights their battles, some of us had to pay for grown up people's mistakes and in the process, grow up so fast such that our preferences moved from age grade to intellectual, bold, decisive and grown. The discourse on gerontophilia - a healing journey or social taboo, promises to spark up conversations from this sincere end of my ball point pen. Writing my truth not as a call for pity, clout or attention as my life mission without any smokescreen is pierced into literary advocacy for the boy child, hence the spotlight on a plethora of concerns; some of which border round vulnerability, violence, abuse from and upon, career, emotional well being, relationship, leadership, influence, passion and parenting.

Why is this important?

Could there be a socioeconomic and political interest to this?

Become a gerontophile if you will, who really cares?

I do.

Who says gerontophilia only thrives on love, there are underlining yet unspoken issues attributed to the cascading effect of actions left to the mercy of natural understanding, thus the variables of faith and growth which may never or could save a generation from reliving past parental, influence figures and societal mistakes. A boy today is a man tomorrow, a traumatized boy - unhelped, becomes a caged boy in a manly frame; impacts of his actions or in - actions on himself, female gender, community, society, country and the world could be worse than a 9/11. Boy or Girl, molested, raped, emotionally or physically abused, the experience changes everything about a person if not checked, how much more a child?

The discourse on gerontophilia has provided limited resources in the area of research and academic references which again could be considered an extreme sport when localized for Africans and Nigerians. The prevailing names given to these unique relationships between older ladies and younger men, hypocritically has reduced this love journey to being economics related, hence the sweetened monetized exchange for pleasure and sexual escapades by a mother figure - sugar mummy. Universally, this has been considered a social taboo, one of those laws written in the unwritten constitution of social norms and the right to love.

Gerontophilia is a primary sexual attraction to the elderly. A person with such a sexual preference is a Gerontophile. The word gerontophilia was coined in 1901 by a psychiatrist called Richard von Krafft - Ebing. Gerontophilia is derived from Greek words : geron, meaning old person, and phile meaning love. This article focuses on elderly in the context of five years to twenty years age disparity. Some other areas are behavioural changes of molested boys, reactions to sexual assault, before 18 and above 18 and the older ladies preference, feedback from poll and my opinion.

If I can remember what day of the week it was I would tell, asides that, all of the other details I would try to summarize. 7 going on 8, it's become a routine to be dropped off at the neighbour's house since I could remember. Chi boy was my only friend in their home, Chi Boy is brother to my villain; at the time he was the only wealthy boy that grew humility by the day, and that I knew. Lonely roads after school, my quiet soul wanted Christmas every weekend if my request for Christmas by day was too much to ask for. The routine was simple, Food vendor in the neighbourhood had to be paid ahead, my lunch box, a double decker food cooler as fondly referred, was delivered to my neighbour's a bit earlier before my return after the vendor must have adhered to the food table made by mum. My part of the deal was - get into your home clothes which I always fetched from my bag, read your books, attend to your home work, eat your food, relax and your siblings would pick you up. Simple. We ran the schedule for two years, Mum had two jobs in Lagos, a main one and a side hustle while Dad had to travel the whole of Nigeria with his boss. How about my siblings? My most immediate elder sister is 6 years older than I am; the age disparity needs no explanation, everyone was busy and in their individual world. Born and raised in an underserved community conceptualizes the struggles of an average Nigerian, exacerbated when considering Nigeria children. Before my early exposure to sex, I had grown daily as school was beginning to seem like a chore slash responsibility. The entire school packing experience must have influenced my never stay idle culture.

Already a routine, until this particular girl, a new face was becoming familiar in neighbour’s house, matter of fact she’s Chi Boy’s sister. I was told that she couldn’t survive the stress and pressure of boarding school hence the need to have her attend school on a daily basis from home. For the purpose of this story, we shall address her as Pain. Pain's parents had adult irreconcilable differences and were in the process of a divorce, her uncle’s who squatted in their home in some way had exposed herself, a family friends of theirs who also lived in our football stadium of a compound and Chi Boy to pornography. At the time, Pain was 14 or 16 and I, 7. She was a tom boy, beautiful, chubby, could play basketball, rap and mime to every Lil Bow Wow song. I stepped into the family's living room, holding my water bottle, tired from bullies at school, the whole routine and just wanted to grow up and not have to worry about school. If you asked what I desired for a career, asides mentioning Engineering, it had to be growing up so fast. Gladly, NEPA at the time did well to supply electricity. I recall the awe I felt at first when I saw things we didn't have, except for the fridges which we had in our shop, not the air conditioning, fine chairs, large space and rooms. Chi Boy and his uncles walked out of their rooms straight for the door, gesturing 'i will see you later' at me; Chi Boy was the coolest and closest to me. Pain and other girl take their turn of gestures, this time it was in jubilation. Pain approaches the VHS player, other girl places the door locks behind, read no meaning to their excitement, I sat on the other end of the sofa, asking her;

Me : 'Aunty Pain, I'm hungry, where is my food please?'

Her : 'In the kitchen'

Me : 'Thank you'

Mama and big brother taught me courtesy. These folks were nice, they had a dining table, they allowed me access to a polished lifestyle similar to those of my classmates. I would eat at the bronze decorated dining table, wash my double decker cooler, put it in my bag, attend to my school assignment and be expected to be picked up when either of my siblings or parents returned. I still wish she didn't do anything.

Video begins with a naked British woman, and a Red chested man who was aroused at the time, genitals were as red as his chest. Supposing that was my cue to run, Pain asked that I sat in between herself and her family friend, my other neighbour (you know...my heart bleeds as I write all of this). Pain was kind to me, she was like a big sister, she was fun, she naturally drew attention and trust, in a short while i had grown fond of her.

I sat in between them, still unsure of what was going on or was going to happen, in a snap, they had begun taking off my school uniform and shoes. The rush alone was traumatising, I had felt harassed or prepped for a teacher's cane; I don't seem to have my exact words, but as I write this, I recall covering my face as the scene of naked adults was a taboo of some sort. Then she begins touching my private area, my 7 years old penis she sucked after which she put herself on me - her breasts, forcing my hands off my face, making a case for her nipples to be sucked, pressing her vagina hard against my little penis. I felt ashamed, scared, traumatized, intimidated and quieter. Need I say? They took turns, you would think Pain was aggressive, the other girl had some mastery to it, she had it going that at a point, my penis began to ache close to the time water had begun flowing from her body. I didn't know what was happening, I was a boy, I was crying, I was scared, they too were scared, begging me not to scream as it was evening already and adults were sure to return home. That same week in the compound, oga landlord's new driver had been accused of raping a young girl who had bled for hours and out of discomfort, told her aunty who she lived with what had happened. Their next move must have been as a result of the recent happening. Pain and the other girl raided the apartment for a blade, acting a scene from Yemi my Lover or another Nollywood movie, they broke their flesh in turns, mine to be done last, pressed our bloods against the other and mentioned how I could die if I ever told anyone.

Fast forward to 18 years old, I had dated and had been hurt despite the genuine commitment to each romantic relationship. My surprising discovery, leaves the debate of age as a resounding factor for maturity at the table of endless philosophical scholarsticism even as Scholarsticism is said to be a study and not a channel of Philosophy. However, matured partners would give respect, empathy and zero drama; agreeable by young men who had been molested while they were boys.

Processing one's pain (pain as an emotion) isn't a toll gate to never experiencing pain of forgetting all that you had gone through; GOD inspired, I would often tell myself that healing soars when beautiful experiences are equally focused upon and as result intertwined with growth, its mapped out paths to new blissful experiences. Contrary to popular fallacy which narrates the plausibility of hurt people to hurting other people isn't entirely true, save for the atom where an hurt person keeps drowning in an internalized ocean of past events; I thought that was important to clarify.

On behavioural changes, I will share from a Yoo's experience ( Yoo pleading anonymous ) and those of a few other individuals. I truly hope that this exposé would help drive home the narrative of boy rape. I had earlier mentioned that I was a very quiet child, grown to become an Introverted Choleric, switching on his extroverted plug when the need arises. At the time of my abuse I had wished to have been born into a home where privileges were a norm and money wasn't a problem, desires initiated by relationships with Ajebotas (rich kids) and in addition to what had happened. You must imagine the state of my mind at the time, I could write poetry, speak in a number of accents, process information at the pace of reception, but that day, tonic immobility set in and perhaps trust. Complete distrust in people, norms and systems became a foundational behavioural change because I couldn't openly address my distrust except when I wrote about them and watched the materials burn in fire, after which I cried; all this I did alone, not one member of my family knew. My space was my comfort hence my fear of other places, particularly places I didn't know, places I used to know and was left alone at and the place where I was raped. I died for weeks at my villain's apartment until molestation turned cool. Fear of being left alone in a physical location or emotional situation are screaming signals of molestation. If not checked, discoursed and addressed, inferiority complex and worsen reservation would influence the lifestyle of the victim which without a doubt most often paves the path for self consciousness and obsession with the genital area thus inappropriate sexual behaviours, regret, self blame, pity, thus masturbation which progresses to characterizing sexual scenarios amongst play group and age group - an intended version of the popular daddy and mummy game. For some, an aunty requesting for her genital to be licked and balloon soaked (balloon may seem inappropriate and an objectification, in context the use of balloon emphasizes its repeated pattern of use as shared by rape survivals). For some boys, materialization and an appeal for cross dressing, make up, etcetera, if raised by a single parent mother. These boys grow a feminine attachment, get obsessed with jewelries and fashion all in hope for a distraction from pain which isn't an escape from anxiety, even as they grow from boys to men. Anxiety could switch to anger, bipolarity and regression to childish attitudes. For many boys, nightmares and early wet dreams change their sleeping patterns as much as bed wetting impacted on their self esteem. A behavioural change which should be studied is that of a decrease in or an increase of appetite. Popularly accepted for the female gender especially if her heart gets broken, you could eat your way into obesity for a starved fit-fam, why aren't men allowed to express the same? Toxic masculinity syndrome?

Sadly, habits could be formed in days and then molded in character. For some boys it takes years to fight these habits and create new behavioural patterns, and this is because been locked in the past makes an unseen, uncaged institution of our reactions to sexual assault.

Super Man had his limits, just as humans do. You might wonder what happens to the victim of a sexual molestation during the sexual assault. Why would a boy freeze or a man be raped and presumed helpless; Tonic Immobility : A biological explanation for body freezing because of the hormonal activation by the HPA axis. This isn't what the victim decided to do - increased breathing, eye closure, muscular paralysis and tears are some signs of a physical response to an outside threat.

So, the boy child is angry, the young man is furious at himself, he is emotionally shocked, filled with disbelief and denial, he's embarrassed to talk about it, ashamed when he finally talks about it, thankfully many people think 'he was enjoying' and not raped, he feels guilty, maybe, what ifs, then depression sets in - major thoughts on wrongs over rights, horrible childhood experiences overriding beautiful sincere laughter.

He sure feels powerless, worsened when he gets to flashback by self or flashbacks initiated by circumstance, in between which he's afraid and anxious. Sex is said to be more emotional than physical. Living in the rape and molestation experience not only impacts his sex life when married but makes false evidences appear real in the area of Homophobia. Constant stress and exhaustion may lead to him doubting his sexual orientation amongst other factors which might lead to him thinking - Am I gay?

An assessment on post traumatic stress disorder, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide, problems in intimate relationships, underachievement in school may have been associated to the above 18 category. Surprisingly, they're not. The above listed are impacts of rape and molestation on an under 18 boy child sadly in our clime has the possibility of multiplying when they turn 18, hence the exposure to pressure - proving the physical and sexual prowess of his manhood; a foundational for toxic masculinity, multiple female sexual partners, STD, gender and sexual identity confusion and sense of inadequacy as a man, sense of power loss, control and a new found confidence in pop culture, it's crowd mentality, regardless of his class and creed. He's in a battle with trust and intimacy. Tired of relationship drama coupled with his issues with commitment, he is lucky to find an older lady who could fill up the motherly spot and also be in a love affair void of unnecessary drama and pressure (later he discovers that drama is inherent in every relationship he's involved in until he forgets the past and lives in the unforced rhythm of grace culture).

The older ladies preference to many may not seem a secret, especially when considering financial security wanted by a lot of younger men. For some, it's more than the money, the quintessential lifestyle, it's a healing journey. After conceiving the idea to writing this article, I was interested in sampling opinions, which I did and were respectively associated to versatility, and objectivity. My discovery at the end of the poll is that many intellectuals still consider older ladies love affair an economic scheme, an anomaly whilst a little minority consider the relationship a love based decision only to revolt against the disapproval of a close relative getting married to an older lady. The journey to healing as an intellectual conclusion may tire out the aforementioned.

Older ladies have a strong idea of what they want, and focus their energies on reaching bigger goals. A very attractive attribute for ambitious and intelligent young men. The fascination here is that she/they wouldn't swing the pendulum to uncertainty or self doubt which would irritate the younger man (raped and molested when he was a boy). Asides irritation, an exhibition of self doubt from a partner, may inspire regression and depression which wouldn't be the case with the older lady, her confidence is a positive energy to ignite him.

Rubbing off positive energy to a sense of confidence and power is achieved from how she shows him what kind of a man he is; a motivation to surpassing his bigger goals. A sequel is his remodification. Repeatedly shared by the anonymous few, an older lady helps a younger man understand his feelings at a deeper level; I would like this to sink in, and here's why - her age allows her a broad experience of life across spectrum, emotions as a result of anxiety, fear and distrust, indecision, could be addressed with the help of an experienced and sincere love interest. 'She senses your ambition and would be ready to help bring them to reality'.

Talk about an independent woman, she's confident in her skin. Her confidence and the way she carries herself is just magnetic. She's a lady, knows how not to overreact and how to control her emotions with maturity. She amplifies the younger man's sense of calm which he prefers in addition to the excellence, matured and excellent conversations, her opinion on subjects makes her more attractive. She becomes a preference.

Falling in love with an older lady could be beautiful, both parties understanding boundaries and mutual respect could be the calm an abused young man desires. On the twist side, my Two Cent is a gentle reminder to the observation of she (the older lady) as a human, and the journey to healing best encountered by self, with JESUS.

JESUS the author and finisher of your faith. The molder of your destiny. The one who from words spoken, written, thought came - the utterance, describing your feelings. Your upholding arm. That JESUS saved me for the many times I fell and thought I couldn't stand any longer. That JESUS made a joke of my intellectual prowess and will power. When we try to put a word to everything and explain our feelings in advocacy of some sort, we forget that no word, emotion, pain, hurt can stand the Healing Hands of JESUS. HE is the way - the truth and - life. HE didn't give a name which the world has called you by, HE gave you a name before you were born. A name before you were born. Now is the time to bare that name, PRECIOUS BELOVETH SON.

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Benjamin Sarumi

For : OMOKURIN

? 2020