Discipline Can Be Tender Too

“True discipline is really just self-remembering; no forcing or fighting is necessary.” ~ Charles Eisenstein

Discipline is fundamentally misconstrued, especially by perfectionists and overachievers.

We’ve learnt that discipline means gritting our teeth and pushing ourselves through adversity. We’ve been taught that discipline is the opposite of rest; those who lack discipline are weak and lazy. We should ignore our feelings and bodies to keep powering through. We punish and brutalise ourselves to work harder and achieve.

Through this disciplinarian lens, we beat ourselves up for not doing more, taking a break, or voicing doubts. We tell ourselves that we’re inferior, imagining that we could have been stronger, more disciplined, more focused.

There is a time and a place for this kind of discipline. This is what I learned on basic training when I joined the military. I was trained to be able to keep doing my job under enemy fire when lives were literally on the line.

This embodiment of discipline out of context years later led me to burnout. This form of discipline is not appropriate or necessary for the vast majority of us. Most of us aren’t soldiers, emergency workers or Formula One engineers. And even those people don’t need this kind of discipline most of the time.

Discipline, however, is a fundamental skill for anyone who wants to get anything done in this world. It’s the structure and order we need for perseverance, consistency, and building new habits.

The most common reason I see coaching clients “fail” is because they don’t have the discipline to follow through on the actions they know will get them from A to B. There are times we need to do hard things and discipline helps us do hard things.

How then to be disciplined without being brutal, rigid and inflexible? How to have structure without being ruled by it? How to be focused and open at the same time?

This is the paradox at the heart of discipline for creativity.

In doing something different to what we’ve done before, we need to break the rules. We can’t keep doing things the same way and expect to get different outcomes.

And at the same time, we need structure in our lives otherwise the only thing we’ll ever do is dream.

Jocelyn K. Glei calls this tender discipline . I like the oxymoron; it embraces the polarities of gentleness and structure.

Tender discipline, as I see it, is a practice of coming into alignment with ourselves rather than forcing ourselves into a box designed by someone else. It’s about working with our own strengths and weaknesses. Trusting that we innately have the strength and motivation to get things done when we align our actions with our values and intrinsic definitions of success, we do not need to then shame ourselves into action.

Tender discipline is about opening up to possibilities, rather than clamping down. It’s a deep “yes” to ourselves. When we are connected to our own burning yes, to paraphrase Steven Covey, we can kindly and unapologetically say no to everything else — the distractions, the temptations, and the interruptions.

This approach allows for structure and spontaneity, holding both as equally important. Being devotional in the time you create for yourself, without committing to a specific task, so your focus is to keep showing up at the same time regardless of the outcomes. Alternatively, commit deeply to a task while allowing yourself the freedom to do it whenever you want.

Ultimately, tender discipline is a practice that prioritises our nervous system regulation. It knows that stress makes us less smart, less creative and less kind. It’s a way of working that supports our efforts from our bodies up.

It invites us to be gentle and graceful with ourselves. To release ourselves from the incessant pressure we put ourselves under. To gift ourselves the space to flourish, feel, and flow.

Focus on how

Tender discipline concerns itself with the act over the outcome. The how, the quality of our time , becomes the focus of our attention.

• add adverbs to your to-do list
• ask yourself, “what would 1% more ease/fun/focus feel like?”
• connect to the “why” of your goals so you can hold the outcome lightly

Embrace your own rhythm

Productivity isn’t a state we can enter on demand; there’s no on-switch. Instead, we all have different cycles of when we function best. Rather than resist what our bodies are doing anyway, we can work them and they will be our allies.

• schedule breaks and time to rest at times that work for your body
• prioritise momentum and follow your natural flow of energy
• plan with your most productive and least productive selves in mind; learn your own cycles .

Be on your tender edge

The unfamiliar often feels uncomfortable. Growth inherently feels awkward and challenging. Practising tender discipline won’t always feel “good” but it will feel “right”.

• learn what “right” feels like in your body by experimenting — for example, how does it feel to run when you’re energised and well-rested compared to a day when you push yourself beyond your limits
• be patient; it will take time for this to become familiar
• our souls need growth and our nervous systems need safety; if in doubt, prioritise resourcing your nervous system as you can’t learn if you’re triggered.

How do you balance self-compassion and structure?

Originally published at https://vixanderton.com on February 17, 2022.