The Disapproval of Others: On choosing your battles, criticizing with kindness, and staying true to yourself

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*When You’re 94: Questions to Ask Yourself Right Now

*Are You A Highly Sensitive Person?

*The Disapproval of Others: On Choosing Your Battles, Criticizing with Kindness, and Staying True to Yourself

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"Rest satisfied with doing well, and leave others to talk of you as they please." —Pythagoras

Dear You,

*Do you experience an acute sting when other people disapprove of you?

*Do you care deeply about (pardon the oncoming cliché) living authentically?

*Does it sometimes seem that these two cares (feeling pained by others’ disapproval; wishing to “be yourself” and say what you think) are at odds with each other?

I think about these questions a lot. And I thought about them again, when I read one of the musician Nick Cave’s?Red Hand Files?(if you’re not familiar with these, you should please do yourself a favor and sign up). In this note, he’s responding to criticism from a fan about one of his deeply held beliefs:

Dear Jemma,

When I think of the artists that I truly admire, those that I have stuck with over the years, at some point in their lengthy careers they have all disappointed me. Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Nina Simone, Kanye, Van Morrison, Morrissey, Brian Eno, Leonard Cohen, Patti Smith – these are artists that, for me, form a kind of confederacy of excellence, but at one time or another they have each alienated, confounded or displeased me. They have often not travelled in the?direction I would have hoped or wished for, instead following their own confounding paths (damn them!) to their own truths. In the course of this I have sometimes been discomforted by things they have done, disagreed with things they have said, or not liked a particular record they have made. Yet there is something about them that keeps me captivated, and forever alert to what they might do next. More than anything, this has to do with their authenticity. I know that on a fundamental level they are on their own path and they are not in the business of shaping their lives, artistic or otherwise, in order to please or make others feel better. They are fully and acutely authentic, regardless of my feelings, or the feelings of anyone else and I find this deeply reassuring in a world that so often feels devoid of genuineness. In fact, if I sense that an artist is creating, saying or doing things just to win public approval, or to yield to the demands of the market, well, that’s when I tend to turn away.

*

I chose to quote N.C.’s words at length (though please go to his site to read the full response) because I think there’s so much wisdom in them. He’s insisting on his right - no, on his obligation - to state his view of the world. And he’s insisting with dignity and grace. He acknowledges Jenna’s emotions, and point of view; he even empathizes with her, by sharing that he’s felt the same way about his own favorite musicians; but he does all this without sacrificing his own self.

One thing that N.C. doesn’t say here is whether he felt the acute sting of Jenna’s criticism, before calming himself to write these words. I’m guessing that he did, even though he’s a pretty strong character; most of us do. It can feel like a phantom gut punch, when people disapprove of us. And this is what I want to write to you about today: the question of what to do with this particular type of social pain. Here are some thoughts:

• When we find ourselves in conflict with, or disapproved by, people who matter to us, we should remember that we feel pain because we’re caught in a deep evolutionary dilemma. We’ve evolved to fear being heaved out of our social groups, and left to fend for ourselves on the savannah. This is why, for the ancient Greeks, exile, or banishment, was the worst punishment of all. Yes, some people have a much thicker skin than others. But no one’s skin is made of armor.?Studies show?that people feel shame when they’re socially excluded –?whether they deserve it or not. That is, even people who?know?they’ve behaved impeccably feel ashamed, when their group turns on them.
• If you’re thin-skinned, though, I think there’s no sense telling yourself that you have to “toughen up”. Much better to acknowledge who you are, and take it from there. This doesn’t mean seeing yourself as defenseless. It means recognizing that criticism or conflict sometimes hurts, quite a lot, because of who you are - while knowing that this is the price you pay for other benefits often associated with sensitivity: empathy, creativity, nuance, perceptiveness, compassion…and, ironically, authenticity.
• I say “ironically, authenticity” because the very desire for authenticity creates situations where we feel called to speak our minds - even when doing so could lead to censure. Keeping deeply felt sentiments to yourself can be a punishment all its own.
• Some of us need, quite consciously, to practice being assertive - which just means practicing the expression of our thoughts and feelings, while respecting the thoughts and feelings of other people. And when this leads to the disapproval of others, and therefore to our own acute discomfort, we can practice the acceptance of this discomfort as part of life - and as part of growth. Try starting small. Express yourself in low-stakes situations, with people who love you. To this end, I just came across a great summation of the late philosopher Daniel Dennett’s ideas on “how to criticize with kindness”:

• Still, it’s important to pick your battles. You don’t actually?have?to enter every battle. If you’re extremely motivated to live authentically, you may feel as if you need to. To opt out of a conflict may feel the same as expressing something you don’t believe. But that’s not necessarily so; harmony can matter just as much as authenticity. Part of setting strong boundaries is choosing how you’re going to live - including which battles you want to fight. Sometimes (as I mentioned here) the wisest decision is be like the old Turkish man in Voltaire’s?Candide?- to cultivate your garden in peace, and leave drama to others.
• As a writer, I’ve chosen, for now, not to wade into certain waters. This is partly because I’ve concluded that there’s no way to do this and still be able to write about the matters of psyche and soul that I’ve felt called, all my life, to explore. But it’s also because I think these waters might drown me. This decision may or may not change, as time goes on. But I wrestle with it, quite a lot.
• Your greatest source of strength, when moments of social disapproval come, is love. I say this not in some saccharine kind of way. I mean it very specifically. Take strength from (a) the love of your closest beloveds, the ones who will love you no matter who else happens to disapprove of you (if you're spiritually inclined, this category might include your God or gods); (b) the love of your own self; and c) the love of truth: if you say what you believe to be true, then you can, as Pythagoras told us at the top of this?Kindred Letter, "rest satisfied with doing well, and leave others to talk of you as they please."
• Your other source of strength (and as a Quiet Life reader, this one’s for you!) is having your own, deep, interior garden - that place you can go, inside your mind, that’s yours and yours alone. Get comfortable with that place; visit it often; make it your home. In the musical?Hamilton, when George Washington decides to step down from the Presidency, he invokes Micah 4:4: “Everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree/And no one shall make them afraid.”* Well: there’s a fig tree inside every human mind. And we should cultivate our interior fig trees, we should visit them and water them, even on sunny days, so that they’ll be there, always, to shelter us.
• *My son and I just re-listened to?Hamilton?on a long car drive, this past weekend, so it’s on my mind. :)

As always, I’d love to know your thoughts.

1. Is the disapproval of others a tripwire for you, or do you feel relatively immune from this particular sting?
2. Would you describe yourself as thick-skinned or thin-skinned?
3. Do you value harmony or authenticity? I mean, you probably value both! But which way do you tend to go, when you have to choose? Are you happy with your choice? (I just snuck three questions in one.)

Please leave a comment below.

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BUT FIRST! here’s the replay of our Candlelight Chat with the great and legendary meditation teacher, Sharon Salzberg! We were so honored to have her with us, and I hope you enjoy. (At the end, Sharon leads us in a lovingkindness meditation.) And, if you’d like to check out Sharon’s latest books,?you can do that here.

Finally, if you enjoy The Quiet Life, please consider sharing it with your friends and family members who also value a life of quiet, depth, and beauty.

??Susan

?Susan Cain and Quiet Life

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