Disappointment

Disappointment is a part of my life.

How many times have I been disappointed? 100s? 1000s? More?

I don’t even know what the actual answer is.

I know how I feel about disappointment, and it sucks. Every time that it happens, it isn’t very much fun.

Regardless of how the disappointment came about, my thinking solidified it in my story.

“Someone once said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” The quote recognizes that when we experience disappointment, our hopes and expectations are out of line with reality.” from an article by Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries called Dealing with Disappointment.

Our hopes and expectations are out of line with reality.

This is where it can get a little bit weird.

Who’s reality?

The reality that I perceive through my thoughts and actions or a reality outside forces have placed on me?

Both can be a reality in my world and can be altered by how I think about disappointment.

More from Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries, “Far too many people, when faced with disappointment, tend to attribute negative life events to their personal failings. They resort to obsessional self-blaming, as they feel ashamed or humiliated of not measuring up to the image of their ideal self. As a result, they direct their anger inward, to themselves. It may prompt them to say that they deserved it, that they were not good enough. Others, however, will turn their anger outward toward others, to people who didn’t fulfill their expectations. It will contribute to feelings of spite, vindictiveness, and bitterness.”

I can have the feeling that the disappointment is my fault in a way that can lead to greater harm or greater good to myself down the road. I can, also, have the feeling that disappointment results from someone else’s actions.

Which thought process is the least harmful and which is the most harmful?

I am of the thought process we are 100% in control of how we experience the things happening in our lives. Notice I didn’t say control what happens to us.

I can have something bad happen to me and think that I am responsible for how I experience that event.?

Thought - Emotion - Behavior

I can experience the event and have the thought of, “This is not fun at all” which can trigger the emotion of disappointment which can lead to the corresponding behavior associated with disappointment.

If I can slow down my thinking, I can have a better thought replace the suckitude one, which leads to a different type of emotion and then a corresponding behavior.

I can still have the disappointment and not have it consume me with over-corrective behavior that I think I brought onto myself.

“To constructively deal with disappointment, we need to first understand what has happened. Some instances of disappointment are predictable and preventable. But there are others that are unavoidable and beyond our control. To manage disappointment, we need to differentiate between situations that fall within our control and factors that are beyond it. Being able to recognize the difference will help us to deal with our frustrations more appropriately.”, Kets de Vries goes on to say.

I can say from experience that this is easier said than done. The thoughts that can start a racetrack in my head will center around what I did wrong and how I can fix whatever it is that is going on, even when the event is out of my control.

I have to remember to slow down and examine my thoughts and the situation at hand to make a better decision than a self-blaming one.

In the heat of the moment, this happens very rarely, although it is improving.

Disappointment is something that affects many of us in one way or another.

How we decide to push through the disappointment and have it work with us and not against us is something worthwhile that can be pursued.

We can help create a world with more mentally healthy people that are using the experiences and lessons that we are taught in positive ways rather than negative ones.

#insightcoaching #disappointment #selfimprovement