Disagreements are inevitable; Arguments are entirely optional

When I was growing up, my parents argued a lot.

Mum told me that this was normal and that it helped to have a good blow out every so often.

Except it wasn't every so often; it felt like it was almost daily. I remember Mum shouting and Dad going very quiet with his heels well dug-in.

The truth was I knew they loved each other, even though an outsider may have thought otherwise. But I hated the constant rows and sometimes I tried to intervene. But that didn't seem to help either.

As I got older, I realised that my mother had an enormous well of rage, which spilled over whenever someone rubbed her up the wrong way. And my Dad was very good at that!

In the end I would say it was Mum's rage that killed her - she developed rheumatoid arthritis in her 40s, and died of a heart attack. No one can expect to contain that much rage and keep the fires of rage stoked without a cost to their body.

Because I saw arguments as being a normal part of a relationship I carried the pattern over into my own relationships. They were all a power struggle in one way or another.

But in the end it had to change. After my marriage had ended (following a long period of constant conflict and arguments), I decided that if I were to meet another man, I would NOT ARGUE WITH HIM.

Luckily Mark, the man I went on to meet three and a half years later, agreed that arguing was not very clever and he also wanted to find another way to resolve any disagreements.

We could see that disagreements were inevitable; arguments were entirely optional. We have never argued in the three years we've been together, though we do disagree on things from time to time.

So how is this done?

The trick is in your ability to resolve your disagreements amicably. Oh if only I had realised that earlier!

• First of all you recognise that you can't expect to agree on everything; And you recognise that it would actually be pretty boring if you always agreed - a little tension makes it more exciting!
• You place more value on keeping the connection between you deep, close and loving, instead of thinking you have to be right all the time.
• When you disagree you just say something like "hmm that's interesting; I've never thought about it like that before. I'm not sure I agree with you, but I'll definitely give it some thought."
• And you listen some more to find out if there's something your partner is about to say that will help it make more sense. And then woo hoo! Your partner feels heard and valued and loved.
• Finally when they've finished saying what they're saying, you tell them what you'd been thinking and if it's changed you tell them that too.

But why is this so difficult?

OK, I am happy to agree that this can sometimes seem difficult. But what have you ever learned that was worth learning that wasn't a bit difficult?

We all develop attachment styles in childhood, in that crucible of relationships, the family. We go on to carry these styles over into adult relationships, and we end up doing things which seem to come naturally.

So being different in relationships takes a degree of consciousness that we don't expect to have to bring to close relationships. Disney has a lot to answer for here, and the lyrics of popular songs. Just don't believe what they tell you.

If I was still behaving in relationships now the way I did in my marriage, I would be giving Mark a hard time about all sorts of things. But that would be prioritising proving that I am right over my connection with him.

He wouldn't respond positively to me nagging him about smoking, leaving grease on the pans he washes up and spilling food on the upholstery of the dining chair.

None of that would change and we'd be bickering all the time. Where's the sense in that?

So I have to rein in my urge to criticise his washing up standards.

Surely it's not just about the washing up?

But it goes deeper than that; much deeper.

We both have a degree of trauma in our past that we do sometimes get triggered. But we don't blame those feelings on each other.

And most importantly we have both realised that the feelings we experience come from within and are never caused by anyone or anything outside. If I get one of my black dog days, I do not attribute my feeling to anything Mark has said or done. It's just a black dog day (they're actually very rare now, and I think I know why...)

Anger, irritation, depression, grief - they're all just the colour of the spectacles we're wearing that day. We've learned to recognise that too and we've figured out how they shift. Like the dark clouds, which hang around for a bit and then clear to reveal the blue sky that was there all along.

So although we sometimes disagree, we never argue. Because why spoil something so beautiful?

If you are at a road-block in your relationship, and want to move away from all that arguing, get in touch. You can book a Relationship Renewal Breakthrough Call, entirely free of charge. You'll get an hour of my time to help you get clear about what's standing between you and the closeness you miss. And I will help you find a way forward.