Disagreement is not conflict.

I can't tell you how often I've heard people of different ages and social status voice the same fear: 'The issues I care about most are also the ones I feel least equipped to talk about. I don't want a disagreement'.

Many of us avoid discussing the issues we care about most for fear of either using the wrong words or to avoid getting upset when the other person says something we disagree with. So we silence ourselves - until we begin to feel less at ease with each other, less and less seen by our colleagues, our family members, our friends.

The person you avoid disagreeing with is the same person you won't enjoy being with, because what we don't talk about often gets worse.

''People who try to live without any conflict, who never argue or mourn, tend to implode sooner or later as any psychologist will tell you. Living without conflict is like living without love: cold and, eventually, unbearable.'' - Amanda Ripley , author High Conflict: Why we get Trapped and how we get out

Disagreeing is a normal and healthy part of personal and professional relationships, because being heard is being seen, and being seen is essential to belonging, the foundation of all healthy cultures, cities and social unity. And it allows us to hear how others see the same issues we care about. Even if we don't agree with them, this deepens our understanding.

I have left more than one workplace because there was no possibility of talking about what was not working - ultimately, it undermined my devotion to the job. Companies are understandably afraid of discussing issues they don't have a solution for - yet it is by naming that and by structuring conversations that allow for diverse perspectives and constructive disagreement that they may find a way forward. And if they can't figure out how to move forward, the people who care most will understand why, and know that their perspective has been included and considered.

The foundation of inclusion lies in our ability to welcome diversity and the many different perspectives it brings, without losing focus of what unites us.

We need to learn to disagree, together.

Without these skills, we hold tight to our ideas and protect them as though they were our identity. The result is below: only 19% of Canadian respondents in this survey say they're willing to work with someone who disagreed with their pov - and only 26% would help that person if they were in need.

So how do we use disagreement as a way to build - rather than destroy - cultures and relationships?

Well, let's begin by considering a new idea:

1. Disagreement is not conflict. It’s how we avoid conflict.

It may feel uncomfortable at first, but respectful disagreement in which we don't interrupt each other, don't show contempt, and don't try to convince the other person to change their mind - is the doorway to consensus, and the antidote to groupthink.

This is why learning to practice respectful, constructive disagreement is essential to collaboration, to innovation and to a healthy democracy. The friction is how we create change.

2. Agree to Disagree: we often use the phrase 'Agree to Disagree' as a way to end a conversation, but what if we used it as a way to start a conversation? What if we could Agree to Disagree as a way to put down our armour: how good would it feel to be able to listen without feeling that the other person is trying to convince you or change your mind? Agreeing to disagree frees us from trying to change others - and from feeling that they want to change us. It is a way of breaking out of your personal online echo chamber in real life to sharpen your critical thinking skills.

There are many good reasons to do so:

• Respectful disagreement exposes us to new perspectives: you can disagree with someone and still learn something from them. That in itself is a form of success. Engaging with people you disagree with is a form of market research that will broaden your understanding of the issues and topics you care about.
• Learning to disagree respectfully teaches us to navigate discomfort, to overcome our primal, defensive reflexes and to practice regulating our emotions, something we could all use more of in our post-pandemic PTSD.
• Disagreement is the mind’s equivalent of a cold plunge, "the cold plunge is also about building mental resilience and discipline...it allows the mind to get comfortable in a state of discomfort, which will improve its ability to deal with other types of stress.'' By building our tolerance to discomfort, we build emotional resilience: we are teaching our nervous systems to stop automatically reacting to discomfort as though it were danger. It sounds counterintuitive, but learning to disagree well will reduce your sense of powerlessness in conversations that would normally leave you feeling overwhelmed and stressed.
• Agreeing to disagree frees us from trying to change or convince each other, which can be exhausting.?And the less we try to change others, the more they feel heard, and the more likely they are to be open to hearing us - this is a powerful tool for creating dialogue. Close your eyes and imagine taking that heavy, defensive armour off and putting on a scientist's lab coat of curiosity.
• Agreeing to Disagree builds bonds of respect between people of different beliefs and backgrounds. No matter how much you disagree by the end of it, you have led by example, by engaging with them with dignity and respect - and who knows what they might find they have in common?

''Healthy conflict can be productive. It is often good for people who disagree to state their differences and advocate for their own interests...this allows adversaries to understand each other more fully & strike a compromise with which both sides are reasonably content.'' - Amanda Ripley, author High Conflict: Why we get Trapped and how we get out

So how do we do it? Practical tips to Agree to Disagree:

1. Make a conscious choice. We all have people in our lives and in our offices with whom we will disagree until hell freezes over. So you can either avoid them entirely* or address the disagreement so that you don't feel you have to either silence yourself in their presence or feel frustrated every time you interact with them. There are people with whom it is not possible to engage in a healthy exchange because they simply don't have the skills, capacity or care.

2. Notice your emotions: If you choose to address the disagreement, do it when you feel rested and capable of expending the energy. Because the more unconscious you are of your emotional state, the more it owns you, and the more reactive it will make you.

3. Defuse the tension: ‘I know we disagree on this issue. I propose that instead of trying to change each other's minds, we accept it. I think it might make working together simpler. Does that work for you?’ By stating the obvious, you name the elephant in the room. Depending on the response, you can either leave things there, or if you are curious to understand where this person's perspective comes from, go to the next step!

4. State your intention: 'Even though we disagree, I am curious about where your perspective came from. How about we agree to take turns to listen to each other without interrupting, to better understand each other's point of view? If you feel the same, let's find time that works for us both to exchange.' Steps 3 & 4 might work well as a text or an email, because it gives you space to choose your words, and allows them time to take them in.

5. Offer - and agree together - on a structure: For example, set a 7-minute timer for each person to speak without being interrupted; agree not to try to convince the other but simply to share your view; agree that each one is allowed to ask 1-2 questions at the end of their listening time; offer a generous question that holds no judgement, such as : ‘how does this issue (that we disagree about) make you feel?’

6. Avoid exchanging facts: in an era of disinformation, this can quickly escalate to conflict. Instead focus on 'I feel, I come from, I believe'. And use the wisdom of love experts: the Gottman Institute has done 40 years of research on communication with more than 3,000 couples. See below.

Yes this is difficult, that's why emotional intelligence is the foundation of what I teach: without it, civil dialogue and critical thinking go out the window.

Each one of us needs to feel safe and included, not despite our diversity but with respect for our diverse cultures, generations, religions, economic status, physical abilities, political beliefs. Instead of allowing algorithms, media bias, echo chambers and partisanship to paint the world as Us vs Them, we individuals have the power to find common ground with those who are worried about the same things, but see them differently.

Constructive disagreement is an antidote to destructive, divisive polarization. Let's build a community of people who refuse to hate.

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SOURCES:

• The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
• 10 Benefits of a Cold Plunge