Disagreement is not conflict.

My team and I teach communication and dialogue skills in companies and schools (en fran?ais aussi) and I can't tell you how often people of different ages and social status voice the same fear: 'I am afraid that if I talk about the issues I care about most, I may cause a disagreement'.

Many of us avoid discussing the issues we care about most at work or at home: we fear we may use the wrong language or that the other person will say something that upsets us - so we silence ourselves, until we begin to feel less at ease with each other and less and less seen in these spaces.

I have left more than one workplace simply because there was such a fear of discussing what was not working - ultimately, it undermined my devotion to the job. Companies are often understandably afraid to talk about issues they don't have the solution for - yet it is through admitting that fact and through structuring conversations that allow us to disagree constructively that they will find a way forward, with all voices included. This is the foundation of inclusion, in my humble opinion.

In my experience what we don't talk about, for better or for worse, often gets worse.

The danger of not learning to disagree is that it is human nature to categorize the people we disagree with as 'other' and to judge them. This is the foundation of the polarized thinking that is increasingly showing up in the workplace, in our cities, and in our hearts, as per the frankly terrifying statistics below.

We need to learn to disagree, together.

Disagreeing is a normal and healthy part of personal and professional relationships, because at the very least, being heard is being seen, and being seen is essential to belonging, the foundation of all healthy cultures, cities and social unity.

''People who try to live without any conflict, who never argue or mourn, tend to implode sooner or later as any psychologist will tell you. Living without conflict is like living without love: cold and, eventually, unbearable.'' - Amanda Ripley , author High Conflict: Why we get Trapped and how we get out

So how do we use disagreement as a way to build - rather than destroy - cultures and relationships?

Well, let's begin by considering a new idea:

1. Disagreement is not a form of conflict. On the contrary, it’s how we avoid conflict.

Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, respectful disagreement in which we don't interrupt each other, don't show contempt, and don't try to convince the other person to change their mind - is the doorway to consensus, and the antidote to groupthink. This is why learning to practice respectful, constructive disagreement is essential to collaboration, to innovation and to a healthy democracy.

2. Agree to Disagree: we often use the phrase 'Agree to Disagree' as a way to end a conversation. But what if we used it as a way to start a conversation? What if we could Agree to Disagree as a way to build a middle ground in which we no longer feel the need to convince, avoid or resent each other? There are many good reasons to do so:

• Respectful disagreement exposes us to new perspectives: you can disagree with someone and still learn something from them. That in itself is a form of success. Engaging with people you disagree with is a form of market research that will broaden your understanding of the issues and topics you care about.
• Learning to disagree respectfully teaches us to navigate discomfort, to overcome our primal, defensive reflexes and to practice regulating our emotions, something we could all use more of in our post-pandemic PTSD.
• Disagreement is the mind’s equivalent of a cold plunge, "the cold plunge is also about building mental resilience and discipline...it allows the mind to get comfortable in a state of discomfort, which will improve its ability to deal with other types of stress.'' By building our tolerance to discomfort, we build emotional resilience: we are teaching our nervous systems to stop automatically reacting to discomfort as though it were danger. It sounds counterintuitive, but learning to disagree well will reduce your sense of powerlessness in conversations that would normally leave you feeling overwhelmed and stressed.
• Agreeing to disagree frees us from trying to change or convince each other, which can be exhausting.?And the less we try to change others, the more they feel heard, and the more likely they are to be open to hearing us - this is a powerful tool for creating dialogue. Close your eyes and imagine taking that heavy, defensive armour off and putting on a scientist's lab coat of curiosity.
• Agreeing to Disagree builds bonds of respect between people of different beliefs and backgrounds. No matter how much you disagree by the end of it, you have led by example, by engaging with them with dignity and respect - and who knows where that might lead one day?
• It is a way of rupturing your personal online echo chamber in real time. By giving yourself permission to see things from a new perspectives, you'll sharpen your critical thinking skills.

''Healthy conflict can be productive. It is often good for people who disagree to state their differences and advocate for their own interests...this allows adversaries to understand each other more fully & strike a compromise with which both sides are reasonably content.'' - Amanda Ripley, author High Conflict: Why we get Trapped and how we get out

So how do we do it? Practical tips to Agree to Disagree:

1. Make a conscious choice. We all have people in our lives and in our offices with whom we will disagree until hell freezes over. So you have a choice: either avoid them entirely* or address the disagreement so that you don't feel you have to either silence yourself in their presence or feel frustrated every time you interact with them. And yes, there are people with whom it is not possible to engage in a healthy exchange because they simply don't have the skills, capacity or care.

2. Notice your emotions: If you choose to address the disagreement, do it when you feel rested and capable of expending the energy. Because the more unconscious you are of your emotional state, the more it owns you.

3. Defuse the tension: ‘I know we disagree on this issue. I propose that instead of trying to change each other's minds, we accept it. I think it would make working together simpler. Does that work for you?’ By stating the obvious, you name the elephant in the room. Depending on the response, you can either leave things there, or if you are curious to understand where this person's perspective comes from, go to the next step!

4. State your intention: 'Even though we disagree, I am curious to understand your perspective. How about we agree to take turns to listen to each other without interrupting, to better understand where our disagreement comes from? If you feel the same, let's find time that works for us both to exchange.' Steps 3 & 4 might work well as a text or an email, because it gives you space to choose your words, and allows them time to take them in.

5. Offer - and agree together - on a structure: For example, set a 10-minute timer for each person to talk without being interrupted; agree that each one is allowed to ask 1-2 questions at the end of their listening time; offer a generous question that holds no judgement, such as : ‘how does this issue (that we disagree about) make you feel?’

6. Avoid exchanging facts which can quickly escalate to conflict, and focus on 'I feel'. And use the wisdom of love: the Gottman Institute has done 40 years of research on more than 3,000 couples. See below.

Agreeing to disagree is difficult, but we need new communication habits to counter the polarizing pull of algorithms, media bias, echo chambers and partisanship that are constantly pushing us to choose sides, to build tribes rather than communities of diverse thinkers who are worried about the same things, but who see them from different angles.

Agreeing to disagree frees us from trying to change others - and from feeling that they want to change us. And the less we try to change each other, the more likely we are to be able to listen and learn from one another, without feeling attacked.

And that is something we could all use more of.

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SOURCES:

• The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
• 10 Benefits of a Cold Plunge