Disagreeing Respectfully

There was a segment on BBC Radio Ulster Talkback programme today with William Crawley and guests about learning to disagree respectfully. It was off the back of an upcoming event at the brilliant Imagine! Festival of Ideas & Politics which you can find out more about here

The show focused largely on disagreements in the public or online space, but I had some thoughts on the importance of disagreeing respectfully within our relationships, including our couple and family relationships, and our friendships, that I've illustrated below. Let me know what you think!

Why We Should Aim To Disagree Respectfully?

We should aim to resolve issues because we know that, particularly in our relationships, not communicating issues, means that these bubble and boil over, and eventually when they come to the fore they can result in unhelpful conflict.

And when that unhelpful conflict is frequent, intense and poorly resolved, it can have a serious effect on those around us, particularly children, when they witness this conflict among parents for example.

On the other side, Children who are surrounded by healthy relationships, ones which include respectful disagreement and communicating effectively, they are shown to have lower risk taking behaviours, higher educational attainment etc.

So we shouldn’t shy away from conflict completely, but we should strive instead to have what we would call helpful or constructive conflict. Constructive conflict can be helpful where it allows partners and families to raise and resolve issues. It can help us to set boundaries and understand what is expected within a relationship.

How Can We Go About Disagreeing Respectfully?

Always consider where other people’s perspectives are coming from. Are they victims of false information for example? Is their view clouded by a particular personal experience, one that may have been very difficult for them and which has resulted in them taking an extreme view or to associate blame?

Right Time & Right Place:

It’s easy for an offhand comment to turn into a full scale argument. In order to avoid escalating conflict further, it can be a good idea to take some time out to think about how you want to react. Then when you come back together, you are much more likely to be able to disagree respectfully.

It’s also a good idea to do this in a neutral space away from others. Your local park may provide a neutral playing field to discuss your feelings openly while benefitting from the calming effects of a brisk walk or wheel in fresh air.

Avoid Needing to be Right:

Try to move away from always trying to be right, because that means the other person always has to be wrong and nobody likes always being wrong. ?Sometimes we strive to come to a conclusion, and an ending, and it can be okay to leave things as an open and ongoing live discussion.

How Relate NI Can Support You To Disagree Respectfully?

Self- Help Resources:

We have a range of self-help resources available to download for free from our website, which can support people to communicate effectively, manage conflict and disagree respectfully.

One particular one that comes to mind is How To Argue Well, which includes things like Listen Actively & Patiently, Taking Turns To Speak, Don’t Retaliate, Try To Look At their Perspective and Ultimately, Apologise If You Are In The Wrong.

Relationship Counselling:

Relationship Counselling can also be an effective intervention when couples or families are finding it difficult to disagree respectfully and manage conflict effectively.

Relate NI 's team of skilled relationship practitioners can work with individuals, couples, families, children & young people through our therapeutic counselling services, to support you through any issues you may be having, and build the skills to communicate more effectively going forward.

We have just launched a new ‘One At A Time Therapy’ Service, which allows people to come for a single 50 minute session, either alone or as a couple, and discuss “#YourOneThing” So this might be useful where for the majority of times things are going great, but there is one recurring disagreement that you keep having. Our counsellors can support you to disagree respectfully through this, and chart a way forward together. ?

What do you think about disagreements? Are they unavoidable and what should we do about them? Let me know in the comments!

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