A difficult and personal conversation with myself about Racism.

Oh, how fast things change in this ever-changing world. Who would have guessed that the focus today would shift from Corona to “Black lives matter”?

I have been fighting with myself about personally taking a stance on this topic for a while now.

Why? Well, I gave up and accepted the situation.

I told myself: “I am not going to make myself vulnerable”.

I had to work extremely hard to get to where I am today from an emotional point of view and I was not going to publicly take a stance on this topic -- until this happened.

A very good friend of mine wrote me: “Dan, did you go downtown for the black lives matter protest? There were more than 12,000 people”.

My reply – “Why? Is it going to change anything? In two months, things would be business as usual anyways”.

People are still going to weirdly stare at me. I am always going to be randomly checked, there would still be a prejudice against me, etc.

So why bother?

I found a way to live with this and I am fine. I have a well-functioning wall.

After replying to his message, I sat down to reflect on my response.

I was lost. Confused and somewhat angry at my nonchalant reply. Why did I say such a thing?

In the process of reflecting, I realized that I had gone through the grief cycle without even realizing it. But before I continue on this, let me touch upon the black lives matter debate.

I have been passively consuming lots of information on the movement as well as everything leading to George Floyd’s death. I see lots of outlet and people trying to justify his death saying he was a criminal.

Fine, let us all say we agree he was. Does this justify the way he was killed? Should the police then be in charge of killing all criminals? I guess we do not need criminal law anymore. We can also decide to bring back the law of “ye that kills shall be killed” – immediately and without trial! No need for prisons, no need for life sentences – straight outright death sentence. What happened to innocent until proven guilty?

And black lives matter?

I am always appalled when I see all the atrocities happening in the US. I say to myself, at least there is gun control where I live, else who knows?

I know the rage I had inside of me when I watched the series “When they see us”.

I was angry, resentful, and just bitter at the world we live in. I cannot even imagine what goes on with those actually living in the situation.

By saying black lives matter, does this mean that all other lives do not matter? Of course not.

These are not mutually exclusive. One can co-exist with the other. The only difference is the urgency at hand. This comic below explains it better. 

So how did I get to the stage where I am today? A stage of no emotional connection to what is said or done in my environment?

It took a while.

Racism and tribalism are closely linked to fear. Fear of the unknown.

Back in the day, when there was a threat, people would regress to their tribes/race to help them fight the common enemy. There is actually evidence that our brains unconsciously react differently to view of faces from other races and cultures.

One could understand that in the formal days, falling back to your tribe or race in order to fight the common enemy was the right thing to do, but in today’s age, why should you be afraid from just seeing me?

Why should you think I am incompetent just from the way I look?

Why should you think you are superior than me?

Yes, racism is in the spotlight especially in today’s global world, but another canker-worm is tribalism. I come from Nigeria, where this is the order of the day.

Can the human race move past this? I do not know.

I, however, made an unconscious conclusion that this was not going to change in my lifetime and accepted the situation as is. This is why I replied the way I did to my friend - the grief cycle. 

I spent five years of my early adulthood in Russia. My time there shaped who I am today.

I arrived Russia when I was just 18. Very young and innocent. I had not traveled out of Nigeria before that.

I remember in the first month while shopping in the supermarket with a buddy of mine who had been in the country for more than three years, someone called us the “N” word.

My friend was so angry. I, on the other hand was shocked. I did not care. Remember, this was my first experience with this, so it did not bother me that much. If the guy wants to feel better by calling me the “N” word, I am happy that I put a smile on his face.

As time went by, I began to understand why my friend was so angry. Because this became common practice. It was often used in a derogatory way, in as to say they really wanted to hurt your feelings.

There were many other situations where people called me “обезьян” (Russian word for Monkey). Oh, and we had to be very mindful of our movements. Be sure to be in groups when you go out at night else you might as well come home with a smashed face. Not to forget being restricted from certain places. I can go on about all my experiences but would stop here.

My initial experience was brutal. I had gone from being shocked to denial to anger until I finally accepted the situation. Am I saying the whole country is racist? No. I had other great experiences there and I know best not to generalize. Things are generally also getting better.

In any case, I knew I had to move on. I was not going to allow anyone decide or predict my happiness.

So, I built a wall.

The wall was meant to serve as a filter and bouncer to all the non-sense that was thrown at me. Though it was not as non-porous as I would have loved, it did the job. I got to the stage where I really did not care anymore. This somewhat increased my self-confidence. I moved from person A to B.

I know who I am, and I am not going to let anyone define me.

You can try to tell me who I am but hey, I have a wall. So good luck.

Was it a good thing to build the wall? I do not know. But all I know is it helped me survive. I was oblivious of all the racism around me that I sometimes even laughed at them.

The wall has helped me a lot. It has always been my anchor in situations where I needed help. This is why some months ago, while looking for a flat, I was rarely bothered by a crazy event that happened to me. While talking to the current occupant of a flat I was interested in the hallway, another tenant who lived in the building came in. On seeing me, she asked the current occupant - so is this the guy you want to hand your flat over to? He said yes. She asked again to make sure she heard him well and he said yes, again. She looked at me with disgust, shook her head and went on. At this point, I was shocked at what just happened, but the wall played its role.

So, when I heard about the protest, I somehow felt like it would barely move anything, and things would be as they were in no time.

But I know I am wrong.

The journey of a thousand mile begins with a step.

I was lucky to figure this out with my wall but there are millions of other people suffering from racism/tribalism or whatever you want to call it.

People do not realize that their actions could have lasting consequences on others. 

This is why I decided to write this. We need a mind shift.

What am I going to tell my kids?

I definitely do not want to be in a situation my friend was in Berlin. Him (a black guy) married to a German lady were walking in a park with their son when someone told the wife these words: “rassenschande im eigenen Land” after seeing their son. For non-Germans this roughly means: a disgrace to the race in your own country.

I also do not want to worry about the consequences of my actions on another black guy or suffer from what some random other guy did. We are all different. My name is Dan and I am me. I cannot change how I look. I am just a nice guy in the corner :).

It is time to have that conversation.

Do not be afraid of the difference between us – in this lies our strength.

Do not panic when you see someone different from you. I know that in the past, back in the age of survival of the fittest, you had to be on your guard, today, however, there is not need for that. Instead, embrace this difference and try to understand why.

Do not hold the sins of an individual against an entire race/tribe or group of people.

Be open to have a conversation and never feel uncomfortable having them. Remember, I am just like you. The wind just somehow blew me off to Nigeria while you were born on a less windy day and landed in Germany or the US or wherever.

If you think you need to bring someone down in order to feel superior, or better about yourself then I think you need to see a doctor.

There are great people out there. I have awesome colleagues, friends, acquaintances, and a great support system but we all still have a lot to do – one of them being not being silent.

I want to give the world a chance again because I think we can do this.

# Racism #blacklivesmatter #Black #Race