Difficult Emotions - A Sign You Are Alive

In the book, The?15 Commitments of Conscious Leaders, Commitment #3 (summarized) is: "I commit to feeling my feelings through to completion. They come, and I locate them in my body, then move, breathe, and vocalize them, so they release all the way." It's a topic that conscious people repeatedly return to because they practice emotional intelligence.

Dan Goleman brought the phrase "emotional intelligence" into the leadership lexicon with his 1995 book by the same name and through his?Harvard Business Review Article?entitled: "What Makes a Leader? ". Through his research, Goleman found that highly effective people distinguished themselves with qualities of self-awareness and regulation, as well as motivation, empathy, and social skills.

Unfortunately, when Goleman published his work, there was not much advice for those " sensitive " people who experience their own emotions (as well as those of others) very strongly. Sensitives can often ascribe a polarity (positive or negative) to feelings and experience them with varying intensity.??

Fortunately, science is beginning to describe what Buddhist and Stoic philosophers knew over two millennia ago: the mind and body create emotions based on the current input and past experiences. Also, the mindfulness movement is helping people recognize and label their feelings while enabling others to do the same, which brings us to the heart of the topic of this essay — dealing with difficult or afflictive emotions.

In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, these are called Kleshas, or mental states that cloud the mind and result in unwholesome actions. Some of these include anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, hatred, and desire (to name a few). For many of us, anger (in its various strong, mild, and weak forms) is an emotion that can come up fast, and if one is not mindful, it can lead to harmful speech or actions that we regret later. Thankfully, more and more people have established a daily practice of sitting meditation, which helps them be more mindful of their feelings. In the case of anger, mindful people can become more skillful at noticing when anger arises. They breathe and create, as Viktor Frankl said, "a space between stimulus and response."

It is helpful to acknowledge that people are human beings who possess and experience a FULL RANGE of emotions. We can take full responsibility for our feelings, noticing them as they arise and expressing them candidly. We can also create environments where others can do the same.??

I would encourage you to reflect upon a time when you handled a difficult emotion that arose and when you were not so skillful.

In the latter case, what if you treated yourself as you would a friend in a similar situation? How would that look? Most likely, you would be kind, understanding, and encouraging. Now, you can direct that type of response internally toward yourself. That is called "giving yourself a break" and is commonly known as self-compassion.

People with high levels of self-compassion demonstrate three behaviors:

1. They are kind rather than judgmental about their failures and mistakes;

2. They recognize that failures are a shared human experience and

3. They take a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short — they allow themselves to feel those emotions but don't let them take over.

You might call this "giving yourself a break, " which I know firsthand can be challenging. Many of us have a strong inner critic (or self-judge) who would rather NOT be kind and compassionate when our afflictive emotions get the better part of us. The good news is that we can learn to be more self-compassionate with practice and persistence.

Some practical tips for cultivating self-compassion include:

1. Mindfulness: Practice being present and aware of your emotions without judgment. This allows you to acknowledge and accept your feelings as they are.
2. Self-talk: Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Instead of being self-critical, try using kind and encouraging words.
3. Perspective: Remember that difficult emotions are a natural part of human existence.
4. Gratitude: Focus on what you are grateful for, even when facing challenging emotions. This can help shift your perspective.

Remember that self-compassion is not about making excuses or avoiding responsibility but acknowledging your humanity and treating yourself with kindness and understanding.??

So, the next time you have an emotional meltdown, I encourage you to give yourself a break!?