Difficult Conversations: What to Do and Avoid

All strong teams are rooted in a deep sense of trust. And to build trust, it is important not to shy away from conflict and disagreement, but to have tough conversations that are delivered both respectfully and timely. In order to have these conversations, consider the following steps:

FIRST:

It is important to address a difficult conversation sooner rather than later. Having the weight of a conversation on our shoulders prevents us from connecting with our team members on a deeper level and prohibits us from being our best selves.

SECOND:

Express empathy and be positive. When having a difficult conversation, it is important to share good things that are happing too, and that the intention of the conversation is only to make things better for everyone. By putting ourselves in the shoes of the individual we’re speaking to and assuming a positive but firm tone, we can expect the message to be better received.

THIRD:

Go slow. There is nothing worse than having a series of sticky points be thrown at us quicker than we’d like. Go slow, give time for each word to be heard and understood, and stay calm.

FOURTH:

Be direct. A difficult conversation doesn’t need to take 30-60 minutes; sometimes it might just take 5-10. By being direct we can succinctly share our message and move on to other important things.

FIFTH:

Be clear. Ensure the person you’re speaking to knows exactly what you want to talk about and where the contentious points are coming from. Be objective, use examples, and try not to trail off on tangents or be vague.

SIXTH:

Use ‘and’, not ‘but’. Every time we use but in a conversation, we negate everything that comes before it. Example: You’re great to work with but we should talk about a few things we could do better. Instead, try using and to reframe the sentence. Example: You’re great to work with and I think there are a few things we could do to make our working relationship even more effective!

SEVENTH:

Leave time for questions. Sometimes when we’re having difficult conversations, there needs to be room for the person to best understand what we’re referring to and what else can be done. In difficult conversations, be sure to leave time for questions.

BONUS!

When having difficult conversations with a remote or virtual team, video is better than phone and phone is better than email. Be sure to look at the camera and really connect with the person on the other end.

Having difficult conversations doesn’t eliminate conflict, and that’s ok. If both people are working hard for what is best for the company and are committed to the task at hand, both are accountable, attentive to results, and dedicated to getting it right. Difficult conversations should be encouraged. The best leaders are the ones that are courageous enough to respectfully share their thoughts and what might be best for the team and their goals.

Questions to ponder:

1. Where is there friction on my team?
2. What am I waiting to say that should be said now?
3. How am I putting myself in the person's shoes that I'm speaking to?
4. What will the positive result of the conversation be?

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