Difficult conversations

One of my favourite topics to train on is difficult conversations. This is because it's something that everyone can relate to. If you're going through life without any difficult conversations with your family, colleagues, boss or friends I will be very surprised (and would actually love to hear how you've managed thus far). When I wondered on what I should write about this month (I have to meet the goal on my '23 Vision Board), I thought about what I've found most useful in my own life. So, I'd love to share some of the top tips I talk about in my training in the hope that you can have better (and fewer) difficult conversations with those you love, those you're paid to work with and those you tolerate because you're obligated to (hopefully not too many in this category).

TIP ONE: Don't avoid it.

I will start with this one with a caveat that some conversations are okay to avoid - the ones that you just don't have time or energy for that really are quite inconsequential e.g. avoiding contributing to the family chat's discussion about Prince Harry's new book. You can go ahead and avoid those ones. However, for the most part, difficult conversations don't go away because we ignore them. Chances are, they'll probably get worse. Tackling the problem head on, hopefully at a time that suits you, will allow you to move past it and deal with whatever the consequences/outcomes are of that conversation. The more you avoid, the more time you have to think about the conversation and usually, the greater your anxiety about that conversation, which will probably also make it more difficult for you to have that conversation. So, make like Nike and just do it (but with a little preparation - see Tip Three).

TIP TWO: Unpack why it's difficult

This one is a bit more challenging but quite important; take a minute to ask yourself why you're worried/anxious/fearing this conversation, which probably will be one of those 3 feelings if you're thinking it's a difficult conversation.

Here is a helpful little exercise I've learned from psychology videos on the internet (thank you YouTube!).

1. Name the feeling (e.g.: fear, anxiety, overwhelm etc.).

2. Dive a bit deeper - what are you scared of/worried about (e.g. fear of being rejected when you ask for a pay rise)

3. Carry this emotion through; (this is where it gets good!) if you're worried you'll be rejected, ask yourself what you'll do in that circumstance. A lot of fear and anxiety comes from unsubstantiated concerns our brain hasn't followed through. Humans are pretty resilient and chances are, you'll be able to cope with the outcome of the conversation, even if that outcome is unpleasant. So, carry that thought through, write yourself an action plan (e.g. if my pay rise gets denied, I'll ask for a review in six months and actions for what are required to get the raise) and know that, no matter what happens, you've got a plan.

TIP THREE: Write notes

Going back to our pay rise example - this is a conversation that a lot of people find quite nerve-wracking, challenging and anxiety inducing (unless you're a super confident superhuman and in that case, power to you - do you have a blog??). One of the best tips I can give is preparing for a difficult conversation with notes and, if you feel you need it, some answers to potential questions. Write down the top reasons why you deserve a pay rise and some answers to potential objections that may come up in the conversation. This will help you feel prepared, give you something to come back to when the conversation seems to go wayward and hopefully ease some of that anxiety! Another caveat here - it doesn't help to overprepare, as this is another form of procrastinating and avoiding the conversation, revise tip one at this point if you're unsure of why avoidance is not a good thing.

TIP FOUR: Practice self-compassion

This goes for both before and after difficult conversations... Acknowledging that it's okay to get nervous/anxious/fearful rather than chastising yourself for stressing about a conversation is a good start. It's pretty normal to feel these things before a difficult conversation and you're the judge of what's difficult for you (don't let Sally tell you that because she doesn't get nervous in performance reviews, you shouldn't either). Take the time you need to centre yourself before the conversation and if you're into it, maybe a little meditation to remain calm. After the conversation, think about taking a breather to centre yourself, particularly if the conversation was emotive. Expecting yourself to carry on as if everything is normal and okay (especially if you're at work) can actually be quite counter-productive (I definitely know I'm not doing my best work if I'm upset/angry/frustrated).

TIP FIVE: Be assertive

I quite like this one. As someone that is traditionally quite assertive (I've been referred to as a Taryn in my time - full article here if you're confused about the term) but really, I'm just good at sounding my thoughts and feelings in (usually - I'm only human) a respectful and clear way. This is being assertive, which often gets a negative rep' for some reason? Being assertive means you're clearly stating what your thoughts/needs/opinions are, the impact this has and what you'd like the resolution to be, if any. In the words of Brené Brown clear is kind and I find being assertively honest to be an effective way for finding a positive outcome from a potentially difficult conversation.

TIP SIX: Practice makes...

Progress, of course! I've lost count of the times I've written this in a post but it's true! The more you practice having difficult conversations, the easier they get. You may never entirely get rid of the knots in your stomach before confronting Candice about leaving her bins in your parking space all week, but you can remind yourself of all the times you've had successful outcomes from difficult conversations and this will hopefully make it easier. Practicing preparing and centring yourself before difficult conversations will become second nature eventually and you'll know that, as has happened many times before, 'you got this'. And if in doubt, fake it 'til you make it and practice power posing (thanks Amy Cuddy).