Difficult Conversations
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I was listening to a Simon Sinek interview, in which he talked about how fearful you can be when considering approaching someone who you need to have what you worry will be, a difficult conversation.
He explained that if anxious about the prospect of having a difficult conversation, that you could ask the person to be patient and explain that although you have fears, you would rather face the risk of what could occur, by discussing a necessary matter, than ignore how you're feeling, as a result of an earlier incident or event.
He went on to articulate that you can also inform them that, it is because their friendship means a lot to you, that you consider it is important to address the issues you feel are important with them, to protect the future health of your relationship.
Sinek went on to say that he approached the conversation by also asking his friend if it was an appropriate time to have the discussion, right now, recognising that it might not be, at that time.
Sinek's difficult discussion with his friend went well and the outcome was that they both opened up, resulting in their relationship being further strengthened.
The interview prompted me to think about the many times when situations have occurred, which has made it necessary for me to think about arranging uncomfortable conversations. When something is said, or behaviour displayed that produces a situation that you feel has to be addressed.
Often these incidents or events happen in a way or at a time, that you are unprepared to deal with it. It may leave you carrying around the burden of distress or indignation for some time.
However, you know that you are not immediately in a position to address the issue with the person or persons, because you are still upset about what has gone on, or need time to process your thoughts and feelings about it.
But there is a clear difference between whether you are needing to have a conversation with a friend that might be difficult, than when it is necessary to have difficult conversations within a work or professional setting.
When needing to discuss an important matter with a friend, you can arrange and plan when, where and how your meeting will occur, and invariably you have the time to do so. Work situations are generally much less malleable and manageable. Things have to be done in little or no time, and so often the chances of gaining the precise outcome you would like to achieve is made much harder.
I recall a situation when I was working with a young child, who was on the autistic spectrum. He had been placed with his foster carer for the majority of his young life. But unfortunately he was not making any observable progress.
He appeared under stimulated, and it did not appear as though the carer had sufficient time, emotional and physical energy and the ability to satisfactorily meet his needs.
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I had to discuss this issue with my manager, and when I did so we agreed that the child needed to move to another placement, where it was envisaged his need would be better met.
It was my job to share this information with the foster carer, which I was only too well aware, would be an uncomfortable meeting.
There was very little time to plan this meeting and when I advised her that the decision had been made that the child would have to be moved. The carer was so upset that she effectively asked me to move the child as quickly as possible, instead of the usual good practice of allowing the child to get used to new carers within his safe home environment.
The child was moved to a husband and wife couple of foster carers, and took a long time to settle but eventually did.
The initial foster carer after dealing with her upset made it clear she wanted to maintain a relationship with the child.
It was only in hindsight that it hit me that the initial foster carer was single, did not have much support and it was unclear how much appropriate support they were being offered by their link Worker and fostering agency. It was also a difficult time for the carer because her mother had passed some 6 months or so earlier.
I wished it had been possible to identify the support the foster carer may have needed earlier and ensured it was provided. Had that been achieved the child may have been spared the great discomfort of being moved.
Difficult conversations are a part of life that need to be negotiated sensitively and judiciously. They are often put off in an effort to evade discomfort.
Where possible it is important to plan out in detail the when, where and how the meeting and conversation will take place, in order to achieve the best possible results, and influence the outcome positively.
Unfortunately, this is not always possible, but as with everything else in life, the learning from each lesson, is to be collated, reflected upon and put into practice for the benefit of yourself and those you work with.