Difficult Conversations ... an appreciation

By Scott Downs and Gerald Doyle

This post is the second in a series of brief appreciations for books and resources we have found particularly helpful for journeys to weave together inspiration, learning and career. These notes are primarily offerings to our clients, students and colleagues ... and ... we are also happy to share them here with a wider group of emerging friends and collaborators.

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, is one of our regular recommendations as we seek to strengthen our capacity for quality dialogue and creative conversation. It's one of our favourite resources in exploring Question 2 in our 9 Questions for Leadership in Life and Work. This series will continue for a few weeks with more Q2 recommendations in this form. As is our custom, body texts in italics are direct quotes from the book.

Our authors define Difficult Conversations this way:

Anytime we feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated, when the issues at stake are important and the outcome uncertain, when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it, there's potential for us to experience the conversation is difficult.

What makes the situation so hard to face? It's our fear of the consequences whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it.

Why is it so difficult to decide whether to avoid or to confront? Because at some level we know the truth: if we try to avoid the problem we will feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we’ll wonder why we don't stick up stick up for ourselves, and we’ll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things. But if we confront the problem, things might get even worse. We may be rejected or attacked; we might hurt the other person in ways we didn't intend; and the relationship might suffer.

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. Coated with sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is so going to do damage. Try as you may, there's no way to throw a hand grenade with tact or outrun the consequences. And keeping it to yourself as no better. Choosing not to deliver difficult messages is like hanging on to a hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin.

We are going to help you get out of the hand grenade business altogether, by getting you out of the business of delivering (and receiving) messages. We will show you how to turn the damaging battle of warring messages into the more constructive approach we call a learning conversation.

It turns out that no matter what the subject, our thoughts and feelings fall into the same three categories or “conversations.” And in each of these three conversations we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings and get us in trouble. (Chapter 1)

The “What Happened” Conversation. Most difficult conversations involve disagreement about what has happened or what should happen.

The Feelings Conversation. Every difficult conversation also asks and answers questions about feelings. Are my feelings valid? Appropriate? Should I acknowledge or deny them, put them on the table or check them at the door? What do I do about the other person's feelings?

The Identity Conversation. This is the conversation we each have with ourselves about what the situation means to us. We conduct an internal debate over whether this means we are competent or incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy of love or unlovable. 

Our authors offer us ideas on how to create a Learning Conversation that weaves together healthy approaches to each of the "Three Conversations." Their chapter titles suggest the main themes they offer.

The “What Happened?” Conversation

Stop Arguing About Who's Right: Explore Each Others’ Stories (Chapter 2)

Our authors encourage us to realise that we all have different stories about what's happened and what needs to happen now. That's because we have different information, we have different interpretations, and our conclusions reflect self-interest. Instead of fighting for our own story, they invite us to move from certainty to curiosity and embrace both stories: adopt the "And Stance."

The question of how we each make sense of our worlds follows you like the moon in the night sky. It's a beacon you can return to no matter where you are or with what difficult problem you are grappling. 

Coming to understand the other person and yourself more deeply doesn't mean that differences will disappear or that you won't have to solve real problems and make real choices. It doesn't mean that all views are equally valid or that it's wrong to have strongly held beliefs. It will, however, help you evaluate whether your strong views make sense in light of new information and different interpretations, and it will help you help others to appreciate the power of those views. 

Don't Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact (Chapter 3)

Our authors counsel that we often get into trouble by misinterpreting our dialogue partners' intentions, believing that the damaging impact of others' actions must have been intentional. They encourage us to disentangle impact from intent, listen for feelings, and reflect on [our own] intentions.

Abandon Blame: The Contribution System (Chapter 4)

Instead of blaming the other person, our authors encourage us to "Map the Contribution System," recognising that all of us contribute to problems and difficult situations, to take responsibility for your contribution early, and only then to help them understand their contribution.

The Feelings Conversation

Have Your Feelings or They Will Have You (Chapter 5)

Our authors encourage us to be authentic about our feelings, to acknowledge them (without being swept away), and especially, to acknowledge the feelings of others.

Describing feelings is an important first step along the road towards getting things resolved, but you can't leap from there directly into problem-solving. Each side must have their feelings acknowledged before you can even start down that road. Acknowledgement is a step that simply cannot be skipped. 

What does it mean to acknowledge someone's feelings? It means letting the other person know that what they have said has made an impression on you, that their feelings matter to you, and that you are working to understand them.

The Identity Conversation

Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What's at Stake (Chapter 6)

Difficult conversations trigger us around at least three core identity issues: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? We often fall into the All-or-Nothing Syndrome: we see ourselves as either all good or all bad.

Improving your ability to manage the Identity Conversation has two steps. First, you need to become familiar with those identity issues that are important to you, so you can spot them during the conversation. Second, you need to learn to integrate new information into your identity in ways that are healthy -- a step that requires you to let go of all-or-nothing thinking.

We can be gentle and supportive of the identities of our dialogue partners, too:

You'll be astounded how often difficult conversations are wrapped up in both people reacting to what the conversation seems to be saying about them.

In the concluding chapters, our authors offer five themes for weaving these practices together into a Learning Conversation.

What's Your Purpose? When to Raise It and When to Let Go (Chapter 7)

Sometimes you consider your purpose and some possible strategies, and decide not to have the conversation. Holding onto the issues inside the relationship becomes too painful or too exhausting, so you move on. You are able to let go.

The gold standard here is working for mutual understanding. Not mutual agreement, necessarily, but a better understanding of each of your stories, so you can make informed decisions (alone or together) about what to do next. Anytime you think a conversation might be difficult, keep the following three purposes [that work] front and centre in your consciousness.

1. Learning their story

2. Expressing your views and feelings 

3. Problem-solving together.

These three purposes accommodate the fact that you and the other person see the world differently, that you each have powerful feelings about what's going on, and that you have your own identity issues to work through. Each of you, in short, has your own story. You need purposes that can accord with this reality. 

Getting Started: Begin From the Third Story (Chapter 8)

In addition to your story and the other person’s story, every difficult conversation includes an invisible Third Story. The Third Story is the one a keen observer would tell, someone with no stake in your particular problem. 

This means describing the problem between the parties in a way that rings true for both sides simultaneously. The trick is being able to get two people with different stories to sign on to the same description of what is going on. The key is learning to describe the gap -- or difference -- between your story and the other person's story. The Third Story simply captures the difference. That's what allows both sides to buy into the same description of a problem: each feels that their story is acknowledged as a legitimate part of the discussion.

Learning: Listen from the Inside Out (Chapter 9)

In illustrating how to listen "from the inside out," the authors tell a story about a woman named Greta, who transformed a difficult conversation with her mother.

What specifically does Greta do differently in the second [more effective] conversation? She asks questions. She paraphrases what her mother says to make sure she understands it, and to make sure her mother understands that Greta understands. Greta is also listening for the feelings that might be behind what her mother is saying, and acknowledges them when she hears them. 

Each of these is enormously important to good listening. But none is enough. The single most important thing Greta has done is to shift her internal stance from “I understand” to “Help me understand.” Everything else follows from that.

Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power (Chapter 10)

The secret of powerful expression is recognising that you are the ultimate authority on you. You are an expert on what you think, how you feel, and why you’ve come to this place. If you think it or feel it, you are entitled to say it, and no one can legitimately contradict you. You only get in trouble if you try to assert what you are not the final authority on – who is right, who intended what, what happened. Speak fully the range of your experience and you will be clear. Speak for yourself and you can speak with power.

Problem-Solving: Take the Lead (Chapter 11)

This chapter offers specific ways to work toward solutions, together with our dialogue partners, including reframing, moving from "either-or" to "and," naming dynamics, looking for tests and experiments, sharing and creating options. All of this moves us toward a place where all parties become engaged in "mutual caretaking" of the shared problem.

Chapter 12 offers examples of putting all the elements together. Our authors conclude the book by addressing ten key questions many people ask about this work.

For us, the best summary of the book is taken from near the end of Chapter 1:

Once you understand the challenges inherent in the three conversations and the mistakes we make in each you're likely to find that your purpose for having a particular conversation begins to shift. You come to appreciate the complexity of the perceptions and intentions involved, the reality of joint contributions to the problem, the central role feelings have to play and what the issues mean to each person's self-esteem and identity. And you find the message delivery stance no longer makes sense. In fact, you may find you no longer have a message to deliver, but rather some information to share and some questions to ask.

Instead of wanting to persuade and get your way, you want to understand what has happened from the other person's point of view, explain your point of view, share and understand feelings, and work together to figure out a way to manage the problem going forward. In so doing, you make it more likely that the other person will be open to being persuaded, and that you will learn something that significantly changes the way you understand the problem.

Changing our stance means inviting the other person into the conversation with us, to help us figure things out. If we're going to achieve our purposes, we have lots to learn from them and lots they need to learn from us. We need to have a learning conversation.

We (Scott and Gerald) work actively each day within in our networks, with our clients and students, to bring to life ideas like these, helping ourselves and others weave together inspiration, learning and career. We'd love to hear your stories, share your puzzles and celebrate your triumphs from your own journeys of inquiry.

Scott Downs is an Agile Coach with Fractal Systems Ltd. 

Gerald Doyle serves on the faculty of Wolcott College Preparatory High School, provides Ministry Placement Research/Consulting for Career Formation Services at the Catholic Theological Union and advises several edtech companies including Upkey and GetSet.

Scott and Gerald are co-founders of Tri Cosain, a practice which weaves inspiration, learning and career coaching for leadership in life and work; they are the co-authors of 9 Questions for Leadership in Life and Work. Their work embraces equity, inclusion, diversity and well-being as foundations for personal leadership.