The difference between Emotions & Feelings!

Did you know that there is a difference between emotions & feelings? That difference is the solution for many psychological obstacles that you might be facing

Sounds too simple? Well, humans have one thing in common and that is that they overcomplicate things, especially when it comes to their own well-being. [I tried to smooth the transition from ‘we’ in this sentence to ‘you’ the following paragraphs]

One of the biggest obstacles that you are dealing with on a daily basis is managing both relationships and role expectations. Since you were a child, you learned to adapt your behavior, feelings, and thoughts according to what was expected of you. This is a big part of building a functioning society. In this process, you learned to differentiate between ethical and unethical behavior.?

But in the process, you are also being taught certain belief-systems that are based on structures that a) are not necessarily aligned with your own basic emotional understanding and b) might be based on traumatic memories that you have never been a part of in the first place (read more on the topic of generational trauma in the next blog post).

Let’s start with a workable definition of emotions.

This is truly my favorite part of this topic and, and after I came across the different definitions of emotion, I felt incredibly excited. Emotion in Latin means motus, which can be translated as having been moved, in motion, as well as energy in motion. And energy isn’t bad or good. On the contrary, energy means that something is in motion. And while we do speak in physics about positive and negative poles, there is no judgemental reference in this. On the contrary, we need opposite poles in order to create energy.?

The English word emotion comes from the Middle French word émotion, which means "a (social) moving, stirring, agitation." Basically, something is moving within you.?

While you feel many different emotions throughout the day, you have undoubtedly learned to classify these emotions as positive or negative instead of seeing them as what they are: energy in motion.?

The second component to emotions!

What I am hinting at is the fact that you feel your emotions. That’s the first reason why we often confuse emotions with feelings. But emotions are chemical reactions within your body, while feelings are the social, cultural, and individual interpretation of emotions.?

Emotions are happening just within you. They are raw signals that guide you. Feelings are a filtered version of your emotions. Unfortunately, too often they don’t represent what you are feeling, but what you believe you are supposed to feel. They are often much more complicated than emotions - and have several layers of socially constructed concepts.?

Let me give an example: Let’s say a friend stood you up at a restaurant and next time you are seeing each other she or he doesn’t mention it, no apology, just crickets. You don’t mention it either because you are surprised at first. When you arrive home you tell your partner how disappointed and sad you are about this whole thing. But aren’t you, in reality, angry about someone not respecting your time? (Even though anger isn’t necessarily an emotion that has been tolerated by society: Especially if you are a woman.)?

Anger is also a great example of how culture has managed to label an emotion and has then inserted an entire sub-system on how to suppress, change and rename it. All this for something that is as simple as feeling anger: meaning feeling someone has stepped over your boundary.?

But healthy anger doesn’t mean that you are going to have a violent or loud outburst. It just means that you have an understanding where you stand on this particular matter.?

Here is another example:?

You gave an incredible presentation in front of the entire company, but your boss comes to you and criticizes that one typo on slide 44. Your boss has a history of undermining your competence and isn’t particularly known for supporting others in their career development. Nevertheless, you start feeling ashamed and feel like a fool. How could that have happened? Instead of setting a boundary and standing up for yourself, you feel ashamed.?

Shame is a social construct that has been used throughout history to align people to social and cultural norms. It is anchored within you as part of the identity you are supposed to represent. Meaning you as a human being, are rewarded through positive or negative impulses in interactions. Negative ones are supposed to make you feel ashamed.

When your boss shames you for an irrelevant mistake, a healthy response would be understanding the limitations of your supervisors while redirecting your thoughts to the positive feedback around you. Then, instead of questioning your own abilities,?in the next possible meeting, address the issue at hand (setting boundaries).

Emotional Labor and your feelings.?

The difference between emotions and feelings becomes visible when we do emotional labor: a term that Arile Hochschild coined in the 70s - describing the act of aligning your emotional expression to the socially expected feelings. Hochschild conducted her research predominantly observing flight attendants adjusting their emotional expressions to standards of what the airline expects regarding how to treat customers even in difficult situations. In most cases, the feelings attendants experienced did not represent their own inner emotional world.

A great example of that is the difference between a fake smile and a real smile. What Hochschild started observing, -and what has been described later on by many more-, is that the outside expectations eventually become the inner understanding of yourself.?

The result is anxiety, depression, identity conflict and even identity loss. You just don’t feel true to yourself.?

I hope that at this point the difference between emotions and feelings is crystalizing; While emotions are internal directional signals and are personal, feelings are connected to your environment and cultural expectations. They are closely related and interconnected because they are sensations. Feelings can be changed and can override emotions, emotions are a chemical reaction to the outside world (see graphic).?

You are experiencing emotions, which are within you, whereas feelings are culturally constructed outside of you. Even though they have become a part of you, it is usually easier to name your feelings than your emotions. This is because quite often emotions are cluttered with feelings. Feelings are giving you a sense of who you are through the connection between your inner and outer world. That’s why many people believe that their feelings determine who they are, while their emotions are directions and energy.?

So what does it mean to be yourself? Or to be yourself authentically??

Authenticity?

Why am I bringing up authenticity? Well, let me ask you this question: how often do you judge yourself based on how you feel??

What I mean is, how often do you believe that you succeeded in something because you felt good about yourself at the time? Or how often do you think less of yourself because you were not feeling well, or because someone else’s reaction was enough to make you question your own value?

Authenticity involves knowing and showing who you are. Knowing yourself means understanding your character, your interaction & communication style, and the things you like and don’t like. It also means that you are aware of what you stand for and what your values are. Knowing who you are also means understanding your thoughts, feelings, and desires. Usually, you feel inauthentic when your words and actions don’t line up with your emotions (meaning how you feel within you), as well as when your thoughts and beliefs (your value system) are not represented in your actions.?

Here are some common statements made by people who don’t feel authentic:

• I don’t know who I really am.
• I usually do what people expect or tell me to do.
• It’s hard for me to stand up for what I believe in.
• I try to fit in and please other people.
• It is difficult for me to express my own opinion.
• I feel lonely because it is difficult for me to truly connect with others.?
• I’d rather not show people my weirdness.?
• I care very much about what other people think of me.

Because identity and authenticity are so closely connected to how you feel in relation to the people around you, it can be challenging to understand who you are. The first step in achieving that understanding is gaining insight into your emotions. This insight enables you to create guidelines that [a] help you know what is going on within you personally and then [b] help you differentiate that from your perception of what others believe is going on for you.

Article first published on KingaMnich.com February 28th 2022

?Curious to learn more about emotions? Read here:

The Individualization Of Emotions

Emotion Theory and Research: Highlights,? Unanswered Questions, and Emerging Issues

Want to learn more about Dr. Kinga Mnich:

Dr. Kinga Mnich is an international social-psychologist, educator and speaker specialist in emotions, positive psychology, bio-hacking and gender. Her work solves myths of emotions by breaking down the complexity of the social & cultural concepts. Through her extraordinary research, she brings new ways of understanding how we can use emotions to be who we want to be, create impact and flourish in life (and business).

In her private practice, she helps high-achievers & leaders transform their minds & surroundings by leveraging the power of emotion through neuroscience & positive psychology.

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