Did You Have A Traumatic Youth?

It seems that so many of us had difficult childhoods. The animosity, hurt, and trauma that followed as a result may have plagued us the rest of our lives. – I hope that most of us have grown out of the detrimental affects that our personal development and our home lives may have had on us.

My father was an artist. And true to the stereo-typical model, he was an alcoholic, violent, and so completely immersed in his art that his family was barely a second thought. He painted morning and evening, while consuming bottles of vodka. By nightfall, he was a red-eyed, dangerous monster, who terrified us.

In my early teens, at 3 AM he kicked down my locked bedroom door and lunged at me with a knife. I was too fast and was able to leap from my bed and out a window. I ran down the street to a new girlfriend’s house and knocked on her door. Her mother answered. I stood there shaking, in nothing more than my underwear. – Fortunately for me, she was married to a sailor, and had a husband similar to my mom’s. (He was away on a tour to Japan.) She understood my dilemma and clothed me and put me to bed on her couch.

The next morning, she gave me some clothes and a P-coat, (a thick, blue overcoat), and sailor’s cap to keep me warm. I was too afraid to go back home, and so I stuck out my thumb and went north. – I was left off next to the publishing house of a national and well-known underground newspaper, The L.A. Free Press. ?I met a man there who offered to give me a ride to San Francisco if I helped him distribute that newspaper there. – But we did not get along that well on the ride up, so he left me off in Golden Gate Park. The premier park for the city of San Francisco. Hundreds of Hippies were strolling around there, young people from teen age years to college students, and some in their late twenties, and a few older folks. Famous older poets, like Alan Ginsburg and Lawrence Ferlinghetti and Gregory Corso held impromptu readings. Alan Watts the famous American Zen Buddhist also showed up and shared with the hundreds of us who were there to listen and to find a better path of life than our parents' generation.

There was always music playing there. A myriad of artists and bands came and performed impromptu concerts. And I joined in. Being a poet, I had the moxie to get up on stage and to perform a few poems of my own.?I became a regular. People gathered everyday just to hear me.

I never went hungry. There was always food available, and someone always offered to give me a place to sleep for a night. I was having the best time of my life! But then, I called home. My mother answered. But instead of being understanding of why I left, she threatened me and said that she was going to have the police find me and arrest me. – That is when I decided to keep traveling. I moved around a lot so that no one would find me.

In one my travels, I ended up about 2000 miles into Mexico and lived in a small town of about 500 Mexicans and Indians in the little fishing village of San Blas in Nayarit.

I did try to return home. After 3 days of non-stop hitch-hiking, I came in the back door, just as my mom, sisters, grandmother, and father were sitting down. No one said anything. I took my place at the table and my mother gave me a plate of food. But as I took a fork in my hand, my father reached across and planted his fork in my left shoulder! – Quickly, I looked for a path of escape and fled from my home. – I never returned.

Now, to my point. I did not know it then, but I was a traumatized child. And it was going to affect my life negatively for the rest of my life. Although, I was good boy, who read the bible, prayed, and earnestly sought to please my Maker, and hoped to become a good husband, father, and citizen, I had many obstacles to overcome that I encountered for decades.

For the majority of my life, I hated myself. I was unable to live up to my ideals and to be the person I desired, and the man my wives and children needed. My emotions ran in the extremes, especially when I was hurt or angry. I was a dichotomy. I earnestly wanted to never be anything like my father; but, I drank, caroused, and always had difficulty forming lasting relationships.

Still, I always endeavored to do good things. I started several businesses and employed many US Veterans. I taught and coached in inner-city schools to disadvantaged kids, was a Little League and AYSO coach, a volunteer election judge for our city, and a Boy Scout leader. But I was a living a contradiction and I was a hypocrite. -- Much like the Apostle Paul in his early life, I could also say, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”

It has been a long struggle to become a person I am proud to be. After finally overcoming those hinderances, I can look back and see with perspective. Much of my life has been the result of not knowing I was traumatized and acting accordingly. I was a mystery to myself. I had difficulty controlling and comprehending my behavior.

My life is one I enjoy now. My reputation is improving and my personal relationships too. And I am no longer frightened of meeting my Maker. ?I even write books about the transformative power of faith in God.

I suppose that many who read this have been traumatized in their youth by poor parenting too. Maybe we traumatized our spouses and children. Perhaps, like me, you are still seeking to heal those relationships.

Here are 4 things that helped me: 1) Forgive. Harboring resentment and anger makes it impossible to recover. 2) Be Grateful. Look for what is good in your life. 3) Find a way to Help Others in any capacity. 4) And Be Thankful for still being alive and for the ability to be better today than yesterday. -- Focus on those things.

Lastly, I am grateful for my wife of 31 years, who has loved me through my horrid years and into my new self. – I am in a far better place than ever before in my life. – My deepest gratitude to those who are my friends now. Your appreciation of me and my efforts keeps my going. – I pray for you to also have a place of peace and contentment, as I have now.

Mark Baird