Did I turn into a horrible person in 2020?
As a coach and lover of all things personal growth, I pretty much have my self-awareness, bravery and contribution nailed, but the flip side of that is that I am also painfully aware of when I am not being the best version of me. I never claimed to be perfect! It also means that when a thought like this crosses my mind I don't leave it unexplored.
Like many others I have suffered anxiety this year, something I haven’t felt since being bullied in my last job. Even though in the round I have had a pretty good 2020, the toll it’s taken on me, like many others, is undeniable. This is how I got to a place where I woke up this week asking myself this question: did I turn into a horrible person in 2020? I wonder if you’ve been wondering it too?
After some reflection, this is how I believe I got into this state, and what I am going to do about it.
1. I started watching the news again
When I was working corporately and travelling to Europe every week for work, I got into a habit of watching CNN and BBC News 24. In fact, those channels became the only company I was in a lot of the time. And when I got home, the first thing I would do was put on BBC News 24 again, and wouldn’t turn it off until I realised, I had listened to the same news cycle perhaps three times already. Soaking up all this negativity (because let’s be honest the news is never good) drained my optimism. And when I decided to cut myself off from it, I felt so much better. I haven't watched the news for five years until 2020...
When I arrived in Venice in February half term for the carnival and they checked my temperature I thought it was a bit odd. Then when people kept asking me if I was OK having made it home the day before Italy went into Lockdown, I thought maybe then was the time to get up to date with what had been happening in the world.
Since February I slid back into the habit of regular news consumption. Given that I have downloaded apps to track my symptoms, and therefore have a daily reminder of what’s going on even when I don’t leave the house. I don’t need the news!
2. I started blaming again
Every time I left the house I would get angry. Either about someone not covering their face, or not maintaining space, or watching people still hugging and shaking hands. If I politely asked people to not try to touch my phone in a shop or to not stand too close to me at a crossing I was being met with anger, and them treating me like I had a problem. That had two effects on me. Firstly, I considered whether I did indeed have a problem, quickly followed by secondly, being outraged that the person in the wrong was pointing the finger at me. My response of righteousness came in the form of my own anger swiftly followed by tears.
3. I started resenting again
In combination with me blaming other people for being selfish and careless, I started getting resentful again. My Christmas that I so meticulously planned to avoid being at home alone has been cancelled because people thought it was more important to shop and break the rules than keep everyone safe and overcome the clutch of the virus. Because of the government taking so long to act on data….blah blah blah. Resentment. And worst of all it means my patience diminishes and I become short with people I speak to. I don’t feel good about that.
Over Christmas, I shall be addressing all of these things by refilling my tank to the top and taking full responsibility for who I’ve been. It means I will stop blaming other people, and more importantly I will stop blaming myself for not always being polite and friendly these last few months. I will forgive myself for the times when I lacked patience and huffed my way back from the school run, and then took my frustration out on people that didn’t give me the answer I wanted quickly enough. I will show myself more compassion knowing that that is the best way to show it to others.
If you haven’t been the best version of you this year, it’s OK. You can decide now that that will change, and do your best to remove the triggers that tip you into these negative behaviours. I am going to stop watching the news, relying on my app will tell me when I am allowed to behave differently!
So, no. I didn’t turn into a horrible person this year. I was simply reminded of the things that trip me up and don’t bring out my best. Those things are remediable provided you have enough self-awareness and know what to do differently. I cover these skills in my book Be The Leader You Want To See. You can get your copy directly from my website or from Amazon.
What will you do the stay the best version of you despite what is happening around you? Please comment on this article or send me a message to let me know.
If you need help to put some perspective around who you have been this year, and plot your path to a better you, and a better year, I invite you to my Kick Off 2021 workshop on 28th December at 10am. By then you will have relaxed your rules, possibly be overwhelmed by the proximity to other people, and are likely to need some clarity just for you.
Join me here: www.susieramroop.com/newyear. There are only 10 places so I can answer all your questions - please only register if you are committed to attending.
Wishing you a replenishing and restful Christmas however you choose to spend it.
Susie Ramroop Biography
Women in business turn to Susie when career and life is not meeting expectations. She expertly stops unhelpful patterns of self-judgement and impostor syndrome, and focuses on what matters - progression AND fulfilment.
Susie’s mission is stopping you believing you can’t be what you can’t see. Her book “Be The Leader You Want To See” is the blueprint for unlocking the goldmine of talent you already possess, so you take the lead now.
With heart and humour, Susie brings easy clarity to confidently stepping into the career you were made for. She coaches privately, leads utterly transformational retreats and is a highly sought-after speaker.