Diary Of An Isolated Director: Autumn Is Coming

It's been a while. How are you doing? (let me know below)

And the tales of an Isolated Director are coming to an end as we return (officially) to the office next week.

It has been a full summer. Which has included:

• The easing of lockdown but with some new measures (still not 100% sure what these are half the time), 
• Getting the office ready for the team to return,
• The "school holidays" starting, and thankfully still co-parenting
• School kit ordering, naming, ironing etc.,
• Supporting the Hampshire FA with becoming a more inclusive and anti-racist establishment,
• Moving into my home,
• Plenty life admin (linked to all the above),
• Back training at the gym and with my coach Farah,
• A lot of learnings, 

BUT LET'S BE HONEST

The above list could come across like I am boasting; it couldn't be further. All the above has come at a cost. And while I am craving the normality of school along with office life, I am not sure that I have given my soul time to rest and catch up. I have been doing what Nat does best, and that is to keep busy, almost too busy, to process and BE. Something that I was doing really well early lockdown days.

"And I am feeling it."

I am not known as an anxious person. But my anxiety levels are currently through the roof. And speaking with others, I am not alone here. I also think I have a touch of the "smashed a life goal of buying a house" blues.

Anyway, this week I was on "holiday". Hindsight, a holiday in a pandemic, during a week where the British summer weather turned to shite was challenging. I had hopes that getting away would be a break, and it wasn't. 

A WASTE OF TIME?

But what it did do is make me stop, BE and deal with feelings that I was suppressing. As well as reaccess my needs and goals. 

So, as much as it wasn't the holiday I wanted, it was the break I needed. This is some of what I uncovered, rediscovered and started to work through.

WORK

It gave me another reminder that work is so essential for me. And I mean for me. The structure, routine, sense of belonging and focus. I am so grateful for TFG and how it adapted and will return in a stronger position than when we went into this craziness. 

LIVING IN THE NOW

With the "keep busy and push on" mentality, it kept me in the now and allowed me to suppress feelings. 

Going on holiday, without distractions, I started to jump ahead, and feelings came out. 

FYI - Trying to predict the future is not a good idea with so much unknown and change happening.  

I started thinking about school starting, the life admin I hadn't yet tackled and how work, training and life will fit around school and single parenting again. 

Overwhelm was real; I questioned everything about my capabilities and life choices. It was ridiculous. It is times like this is when I am grateful for the work I have done over the last three years with my counsellor Rachel. I can recognise what my mind is doing and work through it to try and come out the other side. 

That said, midst pandemic, it is taking longer as the end of the tunnel seems further away. And I need to work on BEing again, which means getting comfortable again sitting in my thoughts and not looking too far ahead.

LONELINESS

I am not afraid to say that these months have made me feel lonely, and the holiday, first one alone with my boy, intensified that. From the early days and not being able to be around my family, through to half of the week mainly spending time with the cat, to being my son's only company on a stormy afternoon in Cornwall.  

So I know I have had to be brave put myself out there and make new friends and connections who are also in the same boat. I did start this before the holiday, but like any relationship (professional or personal), it takes time. 

There is a significant number of apps to do this, including one called FROLO, where single parents can talk, give/ask for advice, meet up (tricky at the moment obviously) or get stuff off their chest. I do recommend it. 

SO WHAT DOES THE REST OF 2020 HAVE IN STORE

In short, who knows. Seriously, who does? 

That said to keep focused, we have business goals to work towards, and I have some personal and gym ones. 

If 2020 has taught me anything, it is to:

• Be realistic with what I can personally achieve, 
• Know when to reassess goals and learn to let go of those that may not be right for me right now, 
• Keep making new friends and connections,
• Know when to pause and rest my soul,
• Get back to BEing in the moment,

So I am asking you again, how are you doing?