Diary of the dark side

On the 1st of May 2020, I did a post honoring the existence of the amazing human beings which I am grateful and have the pleasure to serve as a Leader. The purpose of the video was to celebrate all their effort, commitment and hard work they put every single day.

The post had its repercussions, “always good” to feed my “good old friend” ... Ego!

A friend of mine shared a voice note from another colleague asking why couldn’t I share leadership tips throughout the company so that other people have the opportunity to develop similar traits. I mentioned to her that Leadership is much more than a post on LinkedIn, and as I continue my self awareness and growth journey for life, I also have my flaws and my dark side to continuously work on. Finally, I believe when we are ready to become students, the teacher will always come at the right time.

So why am I sharing with you all this?

I have this perception the majority of posts on social media platforms and LinkedIn (yes I don’t consider it a social media platform) are always about how life is good, how thoughtful and looking good individuals we are, how each one of us can be a teacher about any subject, how can each one of us be a coach or what have we learned in the last days proven by the Certificate of achievement. I particularly love this last one, because now in Covid-19 times, there is this quote which says something similar to this : “... if you don’t come out of this period more lectured, with a new course, with more wisdom, with XYZ, it’s not because you didn’t had time, it was a matter of choice ... bla bla bla”.

We have the tendency to always share our bright side and everything we have of good. We build masks and let our ego shape our personality and how we relate with one another to fit into what is the norm, and to what is accepted or approved by the society. 

Life is much more than birth, crawl through it and die. There is something much more profound within us which is a unique gift we were graciously given to make a difference to the World. I believe vulnerability is one of the greatest human gifts we rarely explore, therefore today, I want to share with you about my dark side, about what I have realized in this time of struggle and opportunity, and the lessons the universe taught me so far.

Why do I believe this is important?

To say to you that it's OK for us to struggle, to feel lost, overwhelmed, to not know what to do, to get anxious, fear, confusion and many more mixed feelings, and to share some insights and some groundbreaking information so that we can continue to move forward.

To show the hidden beauty in working with the traits of our dark side to rescue our true essence.

To remind ourselves of the amazing souls we are, living in a human body to experience our existence in this life. We are not perfect and we are in this World to fulfill a specific mission through a priceless and gifted experience called life.

I have been learning that everything I deny in myself or everything incompatible with the chosen conscious attitude about myself resides in my dark side. Although I try to deny it or have a false perception I can get rid of it, I have been discovering that working with my dark side is the most difficult and yet rewarding process, which can lead to a higher level of consciousness, authenticity, creativity and energy.

I am grateful and honored to work for a Multinational Organization which, during this period, is constantly demonstrating a genuine interest for people’s health, safety and well being. Among several initiatives and decisions aiming to reduce people’s exposure and ensure their safety, we have applied the concept of working from home (WFH).

I was one of the individuals who got really happy and excited with this decision, as I have always had the perception of performing better WFH compared to physical presence at the office. My perception is that I am more focused, better organized, have more time to reflect and prepare work which needs to be done and have a better and immediate engagement with the team.

Because of the flexible work policy, I was used to spend one or two days a week/month working from home (WFH).

As I started to WFH, despite the initial challenges, I managed to have everything settled and well structured. My daily morning check-ins with the team were strictly followed, work was fluid and everything seem to be smooth. I had the feeling of being on top of my game !

As a consequence of the formal announcement of the State of Emergency, schools were closed. Some of them launched their online class programs in order to ensure a minimum impact in the academic year. For a country such as Mozambique, online classes can be seen as a commodity, and for those who are able to have access to it are blessed and should be grateful for.

My children started to have zoom classes online, and all the planning and work structure I managed to put in place went down the drain. With online classes starting at 8 am, and others spread throughout the morning, the discipline of my check-in meetings with the team was no more a reality, and suddenly transformed into a wish ... a hope. Searching for a slot during the day was a mission not only due to the overload of meetings in my agenda and tasks I have on my plate, but also due to the fact of not being fair from my side to jeopardize the structure each of my team members put in place to work from home.

One child got used to zoom calls and google classroom pretty quickly, but for the other one was a challenge as I had to be present while she attended the online classes in order to make sure all the tasks for the day were well understood.

Initially I thought, “...well... this is just the zoom calls, write down the tasks they have to do, make them understand what to do, and off I can go to work...”. But that was not the reality, as throughout the day, as they immerse themselves in Maths, Science, Reading and Comprehension, art etc, they also have doubts, frustrations of not being able to understand or to complete an exercise/task, assessments, etc and as humans they also have the same reaction of fear, anxiety, frustration and all the other feelings we all experience in the face of a struggle. So at this point, stress became a reality, frustration levels spread to everyone and the energy flowing around was not the best one.

To add to this, there is a set of house management tasks such as cooking, laundry, dishes, ironing, general cleaning, shopping, etc, on which I also need to play a role. No, it’s not a matter of helping or give a hand ! I consider Male Chauvinism something really regrettable and deplorable, therefore I make sure I am part of the house management as much as my wife is.

I was really feeling overwhelmed, mentally exhausted, somehow depressed and I even got sick. I could recognize, clearly observe what was happening and feel it. I was letting myself to be drowned into a mental burnout state, and I could observe I was loosing my ability to practice self awareness. This state which I was deepening myself into, left me sensitive to minor and almost insignificant work or personal related challenges, prone to conflict and irritation.

I was perceiving my reality and the relationship I was having with the world as something depressing and negative, and I was even creating new problems.

The relationship you have with others is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. So whatever you project is probably a result of what you have within yourself.

I stopped mediation practice, my end of the day reflection on how my day was, what I have achieved, what were the profound interactions I had, what were the lessons from those interactions etc. I also remember, that for 3 or 4 days, I also stopped my gratitude exercise at the end of the day, and my gratitude and intentions of the day I normally set in the mornings.

I know very well my “old me”, who I was in the past and the path of struggles where I faced my worst self ... at least that I know of up to now :) . It was scary to witness glimpses of a time where I learned some of the hardest lessons of my life, and how I used to come across to people who used to interact with me.

I started to ask myself :

What this situation wants to teach me?

What haven’t I learned before for me to be exposed to this?

Why am I feeling the way I am feeling?

Where do these feelings come from? what is the source deep inside my inner core?

1st aspect which came to my mind was, if I felt concerned and fearful of the glimpses of a personality trait I regret to have had, probably there is still some traces and rework needed. It’s like when we paint a beautiful wall with a new color, sometimes we cannot paint it in one hand only. We probably need a second or even third hand.

Our self actualization process follows the same principle, until we become what we can be in our true potential and our true essence of love & kindness. I am grateful to see that I still have a long way to go.

2nd aspect which came to my mind, was my deep passion and drive to get things done. I questioned myself, how much of this wanting everything on top of my shoulders, without asking for help, without the need to balance anything and “sacrificing” myself, was my ego taking control and finding motives for me to play the victim?

"A bad day for your ego really is an excellent day for your spirit" (Robin Sharma)

I recall at some stage, I was with two children next to me with doubts, without being able to progress with their activities, and at the same time, I was having a meeting at the office, and then someone knocked at the door, and my wife was busy doing other stuff, and she couldn’t listen. In another situation, I was washing the dishes while in a meeting via conference call, with a child next to me asking questions about a specific subject, and myself counting the minutes to do a quick shopping to return home in time for another meeting and wrap up the children classes.

4th aspect was how much I was identifying myself with in the situation, and unconsciously willing to relive an unresolved negative emotion associated with feeling helpless, not good enough and a total failure at work and as parent.

What was I choosing to focus on?

I really wanted to believe and hold on to the fact that all this was being imposed on myself from outside. Yes!! It was easy to not take responsibility and blame the outside world. At the same time, I was forcing myself to practice self control in the wrong way, without using the tools which exist to enhance self control abilities. Researches and studies have shown that excessive self-control, specially in vetting response situations, reduces the ability to practice and maintain self-control further, which means that when we prevent ourselves from doing something we want to do, the next impulse is even harder to control.

As Sigmund Freud once said,

"threats to our self-esteem or to our idea of ourselves tend to cause much more anxiety than threats to our physical integrity.threats to our self-esteem or to our idea of ourselves tend to cause much more anxiety than threats to our physical integrity".

Another reason for me to share this side of myself with you, is because today I really know where all this comes from and why, and as Carl Jung said,

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people” .

Being on a self awareness, growth and/or spiritual journey does not prevents me from facing times of darkness, but it clearly teaches me on how to use these situations to improve awareness about myself and how to work with my dark side.

"When life seems tough and you wonder why. Remember, the teacher is always quiet during a test.” (Herman Si)

Self Mastery is a path and an orientation I have chosen to pursue, consisting in a commitment to never-ending improvement. While in this journey of becoming, I will always be facing parts of me which will try to hold me back, and surely it’s never going to be an easy battle. Each of the battles transforms me into something new, that is why we can never be the same. There are no victims, but rather a victim of my own self. . The first step as shared by Master Shi Heng Yi is to

“Let it RAIN”

R - Recognize your emotions but do not judge them

A - Acknowledge or Accept your present reality

I - Investigate the source of your emotions and your inner state

N - Non-Identify with your mind, body and emotions

As T.D.Jakes said,

“The World is a university ...”

Which means in our lives, we have numerous opportunities to learn about ourselves. But for this to happen, we need to develop our sense of awareness to be able to gather all the possible learning. Below, are my reflections and learning during this time of struggles and opportunity, on which I continue to deconstruct, refine, and analyze my thinking ... sometimes more than once.

1. I have created this situation for myself due to my inability to set boundaries and limits. If you don’t know what your limits are, then you can never experience freedom.
2. Nutrition is also about your thoughts, feelings and emotions you feed your body with. At the end of the day, your health will reflect exactly that.
3. Everything you think ... you create, and everything you feel or focus on it will grow and you will attract. So if we practice taking things personally, focus on the negative, we will most probably become good at it, and this will become our reality. So whatever you are going through don’t generalize and don’t picture it as it’s going to last forever. Living the present moment, implies that you live on day at a time and you deal with the challenges as they come. There is no need to anticipate them or predict them.
4. When we open ourselves to become a student every day, the teacher will always come in various ways. We just need to be ready to receive the wisdom. 
5. I noticed I wanted to “move” the work environment to a context of WFH, and as a parent I was also expecting the children to have the same “School context” at home or that they behaved the same way. We are all in a continuous process of learning and adaptation.
6.  If you are gifted and blessed to have people around you, you have a sacred space to ask for help. Sometimes, in moments of struggle, the lesson is just to know how to ask for help and how to say that you can’t cope. This doesn’t mean you failed. It means you are true and respect yourself. I have shared what I was going through with my team members, my line manager, and I also managed to have powerful and deep conversations with my loved ones about it. I really felt it was OK for me to say and share that I was struggling and that I was not able to cope. Opening ourselves to vulnerability is, as Brené Brown says, the most profound act of courage.
7. Lets be grateful, honored and reflect on the messages and feedback we receive about ourselves. Receive it with open heart and stillness from within.
8. You don’t need to do everything at once, actually you don’t even need to do everything. Clearly Identify the tasks and build up slots for each task, even if the slot is not be sufficient for you to complete the task, you just need to start. This will help strengthen the focus and reward system as you see tangible progress being made. E.g. I have created slots to review the children work, for them to share their challenges, for the online submission of their work, for meditation, to take a nap, to write, for my daily reflections, for exercise, etc. And if possible, share your struggles and see where your partner can help you. Whatever the outcome might be, you need to learn how to enjoy the process in whatever you are doing. Don’t try to fight it!
9. Learn how to concentrate to avoid distractions. In a World of procrastination, this is one of the main “skills” you should rebuild within yourself. At school, we are taught how to write, how to read, how to interpret things, but we are not taught how to concentrate and how to listen with love and kindness. Mediation is one of the tools to practice and enhance concentration, but it’s not the only one. You can also practice concentration in a simple conversation, as long as you are well aware when your mind is drifting away from the present moment.
10. Reflect on your journey and where you are now. I have created certain rituals and habits, which led me where I am today. These rituals, habits and/or tools should never be abandoned in the face of a challenge or struggle. These are part of who I am today, and they are part of my support system.
11. Whenever you feel the energy flowing around you is not good, analyze in what state of consciousness are you vibrating. This vibration contributes on how your current reality is materialized.
12. If you have children, this is a good opportunity to have profound and deep conversations which will surely positively mark their lives. Remember that until 7 to 8 years, children are like a sponge sucking everything they observe. During this period of struggle and opportunity, I was observed on how I handled the challenges, and what they learn will become their foundation moving forward.
13. When we loose our deepest sense of who we are and our consciousness of the present moment, our ego persuades us to grab and hold on to the outer world in order for us to justify how we feel and seek for happiness. When we externalize our sense of happiness, we are automatically saying we don’t have it, triggering a sense of lack to our own self. The fear of struggle, challenges, loss and the constant crave for happiness, positiveness, love and so on, makes us hold on to permanence. As Sharlene Raston brilliantly shared, absolutely nothing in life is permanent, with the exception of the "stuckness" we allow ourselves to continue on. When we understand impermanence, we will be able to deal with what life has to offer, and we will surely stop playing the victims, become depressed or live in negativity each time what we have planned for our life doesn’t turn the way we would like it to be.

I am no one to guide people, and whatever I have shared here doesn’t mean I am different from anyone, or that I am more enlightened, more evolved, or above any level. That is rubbish!! In a world of equality where each one of us is connected, our experiences are very similar, but we all have our own journey following different paths, therefore everything life brings to each one of us is appropriate. What might work for me throughout my journey, might not work for you. I hope this contributes for you to make a better sense of how you perceive the world and how life unfolds. I don’t believe in change driven by fear, anxiety or stress, but on the one which is driven from within us when we understand who we are and what is our purpose in life.

Enjoy the world, but don’t get attached to it. Be loving and gentile with yourself, and become your own source you hold on to continue your journey.

With love and care

 Pedro Fernandes