Developing the gift of executive presence

I recently participated in a panel on executive presence. The conversation with a couple of colleagues whom I admire got me thinking about the topic on a deeper level, and in this post I want to share some reflections.

The concept of executive presence is at once essential and elusive, especially - in my experience - for women. It's not easy to know what it means, much less how to get it.

"Toiling away in obscurity and hoping the world will notice has never been a sound strategy," says Harrison Monarth, an expert on the topic. So many of us hope our work will speak for itself. But that's not enough. We have to speak for our work. That's where executive presence comes in.

When I was very young, the idea of executive presence evoked images of oversized shoulder pads and an imperious nature. While that's silly (and rather 1980s), it's interesting to note that much of the advice I've since received dwells on what to wear and how to act. That polish matters, but it only glosses the surface of what is necessary.

I think of executive presence as a series of layers that start in a deep place inside each of us. At its heart is who we are and how we feel about ourselves. Wrapped around that is what we've done and the unique value we can offer. And surrounding all of that substance is the packaging - how you conduct yourself. In my experience, true executive presence emanates from our innermost layers. When we have them intact - and we tell ourselves empowering stories - the confident packaging follows naturally.

The idea here is that we can choose to have executive presence through the work we do on ourselves. I find this empowering. While there are so many things in the workplace that we can't control (and many of us have experienced some of the worst of them), we can control how we perceive and present ourselves.

The notion of who we are and how we feel about ourselves is the most powerful part of our presence in the world. And for women, it's the hardest. As Katty Kay and Claire Shipman documented in their book, The Confidence Code, women are often less confident than men because of our genetic makeup, the way we're raised and the signals society sends us. We tend to attribute our success to external factors and overthink every opportunity to assert ourselves. This can be profoundly self-limiting and seriously detrimental to executive presence. We can't convey gravitas or inspire confidence if we doubt our very essence.

So what are less-than-confident women to do? We can acknowledge that we are uncertain, afraid and apt to fail - and then the trick is to go forth in the world undeterred. We can't necessarily cure our anxiety but we can address our inaction.

I try to drill two pieces of advice into my daughters. One: be afraid and do it anyway. Two: you've got this. Some days I have to tell this to myself as well. And, because I raised them well, when that fails, they return that advice to me.

If the first layer is about your own sense of self, the second layer is about what you have to offer the world. It's about leadership. In the types of roles that I've had, executive presence means showing up in a way that shifts the conversation to a more strategic one and drives to a greater outcome. Sometimes that's a matter of listening carefully and asking questions. Other times, it's about elevating the altitude of a discussion to a place that allows people to see broader context, identify a bolder destination and feel inspired to get there. For me, it's about being well prepared and then finding a way to connect (vs. convert or impose command and control) in a way that contributes to the collective will to do what matters most.

We do this by tapping into our experience and perspective and sharing that value with others. I find this framing of sharing expertise is really helpful to women. Asking what we can do for a collaborative cause allows us to be bolder than we might if we made it about ourselves. It also tends to go over better.

If we still hesitate, we can take stock of all of our experiences over time. We have to think about all the things we managed to pull off even when we were consumed with self doubt. Imagine we thought of our own track records as real records -- playing them loud enough to blast over the self-critical chatter in our minds.

I recently told my husband I was worried about something at work. He waved his hand in dismissal. "This is nothing. Think of all the harder things you've done." It helped.

So being in touch with our unique selves and all we have to offer is the inner work. Then we have to do ourselves justice on the outside, by looking, acting and communicating from that self-empowered place.

"Most of us find our voices after we've sounded a lot like other people," the writer Neil Gaiman has said. "But the one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision."

We must own our voice - which we shouldn't undermine with uptalk or cowering body language. We should convey calm and listen intently. And we should concisely communicate in a way that connects, celebrates others and inspires confidence. That's the packaging. It comes more easily if it matches the contents within you, while taking into context the situation around you. This approach allows us to stay in the moment, exhibit charisma and connect from a deeper, more authentic place.

If all this talk of layers and packaging makes you think of a gift-wrapped present, that's intentional. At the end of the day, executive presence is about presenting your unique gifts to others. You have so much to offer. Don't be afraid to share it. Or be afraid, and share it anyway.