Developing a feedback culture - Part 3: "How to receive feedback"

In the previous article I've talked about how to give feedback. Obviously there's also the other, the receiving side. Yet, although it is a skill that is equally important and thus needs the same attention and practice, it often tends to be somewhat neglected. So here's some of my thoughts on this topic:

Feedback is a gift

If you receive feedback that is well prepared and constructive you can be sure that it required quite a bit of effort. Please appreciate the time and thought your colleagues were willing to invest in you. If the feedback you get is not constructive, remember that it might just be a lack of routine on your colleagues' side. You can support them by accepting it gracefully anyway and by asking clarifying questions (see below). Also keep in mind that for a lot of people voicing criticism is uncomfortable and requires courage. I think it is something to be thankful for if they do it for you nevertheless.

In general, I recommend that you try to interpret any feedback - however critical, however unprofessionally it is given - as an opportunity to reflect and learn. Hearing negative things about yourself never feels good, but if you focus on the aspect of improvement you can often still draw something positive out of it. Shifting your perspective in that way will make it much easier to deal with the criticism emotionally.

So try to receive the feedback as gracefully as possible and express your appreciation. Resist the urge to defend yourself because that can easily give the impression that you're dismissing your colleagues' opinions. Welcoming their feedback will greatly increase the likelihood that your colleagues continue to share their thoughts with you and thus help you grow even further. They are probably also more open when receiving your feedback in turn.

Make sure you understand

One of the key techniques I learned from Nonviolent Communication is to paraphrase what your counterpart said in order to ensure that you really heard the actual message and not your interpretation of it (1). This can be very helpful when receiving feedback, especially if it's criticism. Try to repeat what you heard in your own words and ask clarifying questions. Your colleague will appreciate you paying attention to what they have to say. A neat side-effect of doing so is that it buys you a little time to cool down any emotions that might otherwise result in an unconstructive reaction.

I'd also recommend that you take notes about any feedback you receive and review them again one or two days later. Invest a bit of time to reflect about what was said and then decide what to do with it. Maybe you find that you'd want some more discussion on a subject. Or you realize that your colleague identified a point that you want to work on. Whatever it is, reviewing the feedback will help you internalize the key points and thus help you to grow.

Verify the feedback

It is important to keep in mind that feedback, be it positive or negative, is always subjective. As such, it is not uncommon to sometimes receive contradicting messages from different people. Therefore it's a good idea to verify aspects that are important to you with other colleagues. Maybe they agree and just didn't mention it yet. Or it turns out that what you heard was just a single outlier opinion that nobody else shares. In any case it will broaden your perspective on that matter.

You decide what to do with the feedback

Like with any gift, it is up to you what you do with it. Not all the feedback you get will be valuable to you, and with some things you will disagree. That is perfectly fine, feedback is not about creating conformity. I'd suggest though that you don't voice disagreement before you have taken time to think the matter through (see above). Saying something along the lines of "Thanks for the feedback. I'm not sure I agree, but I will think about it" shows appreciation and willingness to deal with the topic without accepting the statement unquestioned.

A similar recommendation applies if you're really hurt by a critique and you feel you can't react in the way you'd want: Say it. Say that this is difficult for you and that you need some time to process the feedback. Offer to come back to it when you had a chance to think it over.

And even if your colleague is right about an area you could improve in: it is entirely your choice to ignore the feedback for now if you don't have the capacity or don't see a need to work on it at this point.

That's it for today. In the upcoming last part of this series I'll dive into the topic of how to create a feedback culture in your working environment. And, as said before, I'm (obviously) always interested in your thoughts about my posts: was it worth your time, is there anything that you think is missing or that I could do better? Please let me know.

References:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication