Developing Emotional Intelligence on the Autism Spectrum: Part 2

My last blog told how Owen, a senior engineer at a large tech company, worked with my colleague Nora Infante to upgrade his interpersonal skills, a common challenge for individuals on the autism spectrum. Nora, a licensed psychologist and executive coach, has some advice for others on the spectrum who want to improve their relationship skills. 

If you identify as being “on the spectrum,” you might try approaching developing emotional intelligence (EI) skills like a laboratory experiment-—as Nora did with Owen. For instance, don’t pressure yourself to develop the relationship competencies, but rather focus on ways you can build trust and communicate more effectively. This takes the emphasis away from yourself and helps you focus on studying the specific actions you can take in your interactions.

You can focus, for instance, on listening, asking for feedback, self-disclosure, and taking an interest in the other person. To practice these, you might write a script for an upcoming interaction. For instance, you might make a note to ask the cashier at the grocery store, “How are you doing today?”

Having someone to talk over how you’re doing can help. This, of course, would be part of what a coach does. But even if you don’t have access to a formal coach, it’s helpful to find someone you can confide in who understands your goals and can offer you support. This could make a crucial difference in improving the quality of your communication and relationships.

What Leaders Can Do

As emotional intelligence continues to be valued by organizations, leaders need to find ways they can support employees on the autism spectrum who may struggle with EI. Employers, HR managers, and senior leaders would do well to be educated about EI as well as the autism spectrum.

Essentially, EI comes down to managing ourselves and our relationships. Some employees who may not meet their organization’s expectations as quickly as others will benefit from a different approach: learning the actions they need to take to meet those expectations and asking for direct feedback and practical suggestions from their team.

Understanding the spectrum and the ways people on it learn and think on a neurological level might also be a part of diversity and inclusion training. Diversity is not just about race, gender, and sexual orientation. When we think about diversity and inclusion, we often overlook differences in the kinds of minds different people bring. This, too, can enrich the diversity mix.

Training that explores how people receive feedback and process new information can include basic education on neurological differences—including the spectrum—and their impact on EI and communication in the workplace. Fostering an environment that is accepting and open to learning about others’ experiences is critical to any emotionally intelligent organization. 

How to Support Your Colleagues

If a colleague, employee, or even a leader shares with you that they think, learn, or communicate differently, that can help you see that the way they connect is genuine within their way of being, and doesn’t come from a place of disengagement or laziness. Extend your support and appreciation for their openness. And if they request feedback, offer your advice, ideally prior to a situation where they might need it, such as a meeting with a client.

You can also ask if there are any particular areas where you might offer them feedback or greater support. Everyone needs an ally. And someone on the spectrum can especially benefit from the support of allies.

In our technological future, I foresee, emotionally intelligent relationships will become more important than ever before. Building connections with those who differ from ourselves will enable us to forge a more emotionally intelligent future together.

Recently I was asked by an admission officer at MIT what I thought they should do with applicants who are brilliant as systems thinking, coding, and other such cognitive skills, but because of being on the spectrum are lagging in interpersonal skills. I said they definitely should be admitted–but in view of Nora’s very practical advice I see I could have added that MIT could set up an interpersonal skills training program for students who want it.

If you're ready to take the next step to develop your emotional intelligence, consider joining my online EI courses. You'll hone the competencies that differentiate top-performers. You'll also benefit from the guidance of exceptional facilitators and the peer support of group-style learning. You can learn more and register here.