Detox Life

I have taken formal training in Suicide Counseling and volunteered for 100 hours in San Jose, CA taking calls from those feeling suicidal.

Are we usually tired by 6 PM? Do we snap at someone and later feel guilty about it? Do we feel restless? Do we have deep dislike towards someone or some part of our life? If the answer is yes to anyone of them, it's a sign that we are headed towards irrecoverable health issues early on in our lives. Let’s dissect what is happening, where we want to be and see how we can reach there. 

Gun Barrel Theory

There is only so much threshold each of us have for handling a crisis at any given point of time. This threshold seems to differ from person to person. Why is that so?

Imagine a rifle where we are loading gun powder a little at a time since we were born. Good experiences empty the barrel a little. Bad experiences keep adding more gun powder to the barrel. There is only so much a gun can take before it auto-fires causing irreparable damage to our health. This is called the Barrel effect. The more empty our barrel is , the more calm and mature our response is to a crisis and the more peaceful our life is. Often we think we have an empty barrel only to realize later when a crisis arises and we are shocked and ashamed of our response to the crisis. Only to realize our barrel has been quite loaded already.

Before we understand how to empty our barrel, we need to first understand what exactly fills the barrel. There are five sources that cause the barrel to keep getting filled. 

• Trauma from childhood (30% of the length of the barrel)
• Bad habits or missing habits (20%)
• Natural persistent conflict (20%)
• Missing clarity in life (20%)
• Missing self awareness (10%)

The more we have each of them in our life, the more our barrel is ready to fire. Fortunately, there are ways to empty our own barrel. Let's go through each of these 5 sources. We can work on each of these sources simultaneously whichever apply to us.

Trauma from childhood

Spend 30 seconds and take the Quiz on this site. Whatever our ACE score is , triple it to figure out how much percent is our barrel already filled. If our ACE score is zero, we can skip this section. There are 10 kinds of crises we would have potentially faced in our childhood as each question focuses on one. The higher the percent, the more our psyche is subconsciously deeply hurt and damaged. This is one of the toughest “gun powder” to empty. This book explains this concept well.

There is no easy bullet to empty this gun powder since it lies in the subconscious. To empty this barrel, we need a two pronged approach. First part involves having a family therapist driven open discussion with your parent(s) that caused this pain where each of you acknowledges what happened and how it impacted each other. Unfortunately it is not possible if the parent is unwilling to take responsibility and work together towards your healing. Second part involves either therapy or multiple breaks spread over a few years. Each break must be at least a week long. For each break, we need love, healing and relaxation with absolutely no crisis around us. Resorts, retreats, loving ones to take care of us, vacation without a rigid plan - all these infuse so much energy into us that each time we heal at a subconscious level and empties the barrel a little. We need as many breaks as our ACE score. One break per year.

Bad habits or missing habits

What we need to manage in our life is not time, not relationships, not money and not a job. It is energy. We have good habits, bad habits and missing habits. Habit is anything repetitive we do at a physical or mental level. Good habits boost our energy. Bad ones drain our energy. Missing habits that we haven’t started yet are gold mines, our energy boosters. 

Observe on an average workday at what time we feel tired or demotivated. The earlier during the day it is, the more our barrel is filled.

Our habits in life must create balance to accommodate 4 elements: Rest, love, work and pray. If any of them are missing, we need to add it in our lives. That helps us figure out what habits are missing. To accommodate these new habits, we need to drop habits from our schedule that drain energy. Are we on the phone or computer too long? Are we eating too much carbs? Are we always working? Are we never working? What is it that we are doing too much that is causing us harm? That helps to figure out habits we need to change. 

By pray, we don’t necessarily mean Christian prayer. Any activity that we do by ourselves to connect to a higher energy source based on our belief system. Be it prayer, a religious activity, meditation, yoga, exercise, jog, nature, walk, sitting on a porch or a spiritual practice. 

Natural persistent conflict

If we are a minority in the world, our state of being itself causes constant crisis and stress since “majority” becomes a source of friction. Women/Men, Blacks/Whites, Poor/Rich, LGBTQ/Straight, Citizen/Alien, Employee/Boss etc. The more groups we are part of the more conflict we deal with. The more crises we will have to face.

Create a Circle of Safety around us that we can draw energy from when we get into a crisis. 10% of us probably have such a Safety Circle. 

Rest of us are either single or may be part of a “Circle” which isn’t as safe as it appears to the outside world. A good way to feel safe is forgiveness and self compassion.

Forgiveness is about giving ourselves permission to let the negative energy leave our body and soul. Holding negativity in our heart destroys us. Close your eyes and imagine a world where both you and the perpetrator of the crisis live in peaceful harmony. Release the negative energy. Forgive him/her.

Self compassion is the act of showing love onto ourselves. we need to love ourselves just because we breathe. There are no other conditions or reasons or achievements or moral uprightness to love ourselves. If we breathe, we should love ourselves. Treat ourselves like our best friend. Never hate ourselves no matter what we do or how we are. 

What were the things we used to do as a child or teenager that we did on our own that made we happy? What are those things we always wanted to try out that we haven’t yet? Note these should not involve electronics (tv, phone etc), another person, heavy physical activity, unhealthy habit. If we sit back, relax and think, we will always find one such activity. It could be as simple as sitting idle on a porch and thinking or introspecting. Do this activity at least once every few days. This becomes a constant source of healthy energy that we can pull from within whenever the rest of the world looks dark. 

I am not saying do nothing about a crisis that happened to you. If there is an ACTION that you can plan and execute, put it on your calendar and forget about it till the calendar reminds you. For example, if some random car driver passes a mean comment and drives away while you are walking on the road. You would of course be pissed. You would feel hopeless. If you can plan to ACT on it - say write a facebook post that night about what happened, join an organization rally next month that discourages such behaviour etc. Put this action on your calendar. Release the anger you feel. Send good vibes for the well being of the car driver and his family. You will feel peaceful and happy.

Missing clarity

About 30% of stress in our life comes from running behind the wrong things. Everything that we aspire eventually points to seeking peace or happiness. 

Peace comes from Simplicity.

Simplicity comes from Focus.

Focus comes from Clarity.

Clarity comes from knowing what's most important.

To figure out what is the most important, ask yourself:

If I die tomorrow, what is the largest guilt I will die with?

Reorganize our life focused on that ONE thing and drop/postpone/delegate/triage everything else. 

The only thing we have control in life is choice. We are always choosing between doing and not doing something. Be it the food we eat, the time we sleep, the time we wake up, choosing to watch netflix, choosing the way we feel about someone. Are we aware of these choices we are making? 

To find peace, choose a path that maximizes the ONE (most important priority) and say NO to everything else. This would be a huge shift and an uphill battle since we have to go out of our comfort zone. It needs courage. Courage comes from practice. Slowly change how to think and act differently than how you are used to. Peace will flow into your life from that moment.

Missing self awareness

How often do we catch ourselves surprised by being taken over by a negative feeling or stress before we even realize it? The more that happens, the less self aware we are. 

Every negative feeling has triggers. Triggers are events outside or inside us that cause a chain reaction of feeling followed by actions that are associated with that feeling. 

The trigger could be as simple as looking at someone, smelling something or a random thought that triggers in our head. If we are aware of our own triggers, it's easy to slow down or change our reaction with a positive spin. When we have a bad day, how we feel comes in many forms as below. Are we aware which ones we recently felt?

1. defensive

2. not listened to

3. hurt

4. totally flooded

5. angry

6. sad

7. Not loved

8. misunderstood 

9. criticized

10. not cared about

11. worried

12. afraid

13. unsafe

14. tense

15. out of control 

16. frustrated

17. righteously indignant 

18. morally justified

19. unfairly picked on 

20. unappreciated

21. disliked

22. unattractive

23. feeling stupid

24. morally outraged

25. taken for granted

26. like leaving

27. overwhelmed 

28. not calm

29. stubborn

30. feeling powerless

31. had no influence

32. Stubborn

33. my opinions didn't even matter

34. there was a lot of give and take

35. had no feelings at all

36. had no idea what I was feeling 

37. lonely

38. alienated 

39. ashamed 

40. guilty

41. culpable 

42. abandoned 

43. disloyal

44. exhausted

45. remorseful

46. shocked

47. Feeling Tired

48. Self pity

Pick a mundane task that we already do each day. During that time, ask this question. What negative feeling I felt in the last day? What just happened just before I felt this? This helps we become more self aware. Next step when the trigger happens, life feels a bit more easier to manage.

Before and after you start to work each day, ideally once every hour, ask yourself “How do I feel now?”. Answer it honestly to yourself. we may decide to not change anything after hearing the answer yourself. But just the act of checking in with ourselves and being honest can make us self aware and loved. 

Conclusion

Be aware of which of the five sources have filled up your barrel. Childhood disruptions, bad or missing habits, existential stress, lack of clarity and lack of self awareness. Follow the appropriate models recommended above to free up your barrel. The threshold for handling crises goes way higher. You will discover a new Self. A more peaceful Self. A happier Self.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this article. I can be reached at [email protected] www.vamseeakkiraju.com