Details Matter: How not to pee in the ocean

Not long ago I found myself on a pristine public beach with my five-year-old son. It was getting towards the latter part of the afternoon and my wife and daughter had already departed. It was just us men. 

I was enjoying a book, the kind that comes with pages. Most books I take in these days are on cd during long drives from one gig to the next. My son had presently abandoned his sand castle and was walking towards me. I could tell he needed something.

“Papa I need to go to the potty,” he said.

“Poo or pee?”

“Pee.”

It was the answer I’d been hoping for.

“Well, just go in the ocean then.” I urged. 

“I can do that?” he asked. His surprised look was enough to make me laugh.

I told him that of course he could. And I explained to him that there were countless numbers of whales, dolphins, and turtles doing that very thing in the ocean at that very moment.

He looked towards the ocean and then me. I smiled confidently back at him. He gave his shoulders a final shrug and proceeded towards the ocean. I watched somewhat amused by the amount of concern he’d shown for what was in my mind, a simple thing. But, little did I know about how my son had interpreted my instructions. I was about to find out.

My son arrived at the water. However, instead of continuing into the ocean to the appropriate waist high level, he stopped at the edge of the beach, dropped his trunks and began to pee into the ocean.

All the color left my nicely tanned face. My son now had the attention of the entire beach. I was mortified. There was my son ankle deep in the ocean, actually he wasn’t even ankle deep because the tide was going out. It actually looked like the ocean was recoiling.  The people near him certainly were. 

Being a comedian does not make it easier in these situations. That being said, I did try to make light of the situation. I turned to the person next to me and I said, “You know, up until this moment, I hadn’t realized how well my boy had tanned!”

That didn’t get the laugh I’d hope for, but at least I’d learned a valuable lesson: When it comes to instructions, the more detailed, the better.