A Detailed Anatomy of My College Application Essays

A Detailed Anatomy of My College Application Essays

Serena Hoost, MD Serena Hoost, MD

Serena Hoost, MD

Intern Physician at Rutgers

发布日期: 2016年8月9日
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Around this time last summer, I was in the throws of writing my college application essays. I had a busy summer interning at the NIH with a super long commute and also had to contend with summer homework, so I understand how hard it can be to fit in the writing process. Over the past few months, I have received several queries from friends and classmates about my essays. For those that are going through the process right now, I will give you an idea of how I handled the situation. I will focus on the two main essays I wrote for the Common App. Hopefully, these gory details will help you to develop your own essays as part of your overall college application campaign.

Learning What the Essays Are About

Leading up to the early part of the summer, I read a lot of college application essays as well as articles and books on how to write them. Here are some of the specific resources that I used.

Exhibit 1. Some of my resources on how to write application essays

I used these resources to get a feel of what colleges are looking for and to get a sense of which styles might fit me.

I also looked for the specific prompts and requirements of the schools that interested me most, primarily through the Common App website.

What to Write About

During the early summer, I started brainstorming what I might address in my essays. A vital aspect of your application essay is that it demonstrates a personal characteristic that isn't obvious from the rest of your application. I first developed a list of my personal characteristics based on reflection and what others say about me. I then reflected on my recent experiences and picked stories that might showcase my personal characteristics well. I know the process looks pretty messy at this stage, but there's a lot of brainstorming involved which happens best when it's left relatively unstructured.

Exhibit 2: My early list of potential college application essays

 Best Few:

● Good self-advocate

   ○ Going to see my chem final exam

● Cares much about others and their success

   ○ Watching Efe in Peter Pan

   ○ Watching Vincent in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

   ○ Helping Farah with her final project

● Great social skills including with new acquaintances

   ○ Meeting Eva

   ○ Walking up to Sneha and Deepika

   ○ Mrs. Zanotti saves the meeting

● Very inquisitive

   ○ Unbalanced lion

   ○ Water balloon

● Strong leader and team builder with peers

   ○ I’m often first to make a decision

● Very precise

   ○ Dilating my eyes staring at the micropipette

   ○ Asked "what type" of Ursula to play

● Self-motivated

   ○ Drawing/painting all the time

   ○ Waking up at 4 a.m.

   ○ The day I stayed really late at NIH

 

The Rest:

● Great sense of humor and fun to be around with

● Consensus builder

● Good team player

● Exceptional academic intellect

● Exceptional problem solver

● Very focused

● Goal oriented

● Introspective

● Disciplined

● Multi-talented

● Quick study (fast learner)

● Creative

● Chatty

● Actress

● Determined

● Tireless

● Precise

● Competitive

● Conscientious

● Imaginative

● Composed

● Strong-willed

● Perfectionist

More Stories:

● Uggawug

   ○ Confidence, courage

● Throwing out the supernatant

   ○ Resilience

● Finding the person to see my poster

   ○ Confidence, social skills, creativity

● Cleaning up at Cody (looking up and down the road)

● Big-small-big home

● Learning about DNA—researching on DNA

● In-class science project – results not what expected, but revealed a scientific truth

● Cryogenic frogs

● Forgetting significance in my thesis statement

● Rock collection

   ○ Love of learning and applying my knowledge

   ○ Passion for science

● Piano

   ○ Made me feel better not fitting in

● Neurons

● Serena and the bee

   ○ Don’t be afraid to test things out for yourself and see what works

● Deciding on medicine over art

   ○ Moment: walking past the sign for the drama club

● Puzzling – applied to school, test taking, science, etc.

● The time I almost threw away my speech

   ○ Perfectionism

   ○ Point: you don’t have to be perfect. Be confident

I went through a few iterations of the mapping shown in Exhibit 2. Once I developed these initial story ideas that would highlight my strongest characteristics, I made storyboards of them using bullet points. I then evaluated these outlines to see which ones might yield the most compelling stories. After that, I started writing and editing the stories, as well as getting feedback from others on my writing.

Writing the Essays

As I just mentioned, after brainstorming for essay ideas, I developed bullet-point outlines. Here are two examples.

Exhibit 3a. Initial outline for the Pan essay (Common App essay)

Essay prompt: The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience? (Stage Fright, Exit Stage Left)

Uggawug

● Theater practice, rehearsing songs

● 1 sent – looks around, braces self

● Raises hand gingerly

● Calls on me

● Stand to feet

● Feels pressure of the eyes

● The paper shakes

● Eyes glued to the music sheet

● mellow alto voice constrained

● Air catches in my throat

● Can’t keep up with the song

● Notes creak out

● Teacher says sit down

● Sits down

● Teacher says “lots lose breath nervous but breath best friend”

● Cheeks hot

● Wasn’t only self conscious around older drama students

● Worried about what other people thought -> stage fright

● Others’ eyes caused me to lose confidence sometimes

● Spent almost entire improv scene just staring at the other actors

● Remembered to breathe, not to worry about audience

● School play – bellowed out onto the stage

● Before taking AP exams, I took a deep breath and remembered to stay focused

● Can’t let fear constrain my talents

● Take a deep breath and let it all roll out

 

Exhibit 3b. Initial outline for Cody essay (Harvard supplemental essay)

Essay prompt: Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma-anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution. (Connecting Dots)

● Great Idea for a tutoring

● Could not do missions

   ○ church that was very far from my house

   ○ disappointed for not speaking up

● Started with Cody Cleanup experience

   ○ Cleaning up neighborhood around Cody High School

   ○ Small compassionate group made a difference

         □ One side of the street and the other side?

         □ The big yard

   ○ Saw inner-city env.

   ○ Motivated to help inner-city kids

   ○ Felt good to spend time helping others

● Tutoring experiences

   ○ dad tutor

   ○ Tutoring chem class—able to help

   ○ Tutored biology

        □ Some students just confidence

        □ Sharing test-taking tips

        □ Figuring out strengths, weaknesses

● NHS

   ○ Most good WBHS students tutor

   ○ They must for NHS hours BUT

        □ Tutor must be in district

        □ Good students tutor pretty good student

● The idea

   ○ What if WB students tutored Cody?

       □ Help those who really need help

       □ WB pretty good teachers anyway

       □ Help see why academics is important

   ○ NHS might be able to facilitate this?

   ○ Distance issue

       □ Some might willing drive

       □ Videotech + exchange contact info

● Maybe each take a few students in a subject

   ○ Helping with education could reduce poverty

   ○ Motivating other students:

       □ community service hours

● Talk to teachers, administrators

● Cody podcast

   ○ Students need encouragement, camaraderie with motivated students

       □ 50% of students are failing

       □ Drastic and dubious measures used to keep kids in school

       □ Sign on the lockers says “Think College”

Need lots of academic help: Kevin—very motivated, but lots of failing classes

● Talked to WBHS principal

   ○ Welcoming to the idea

   ○ Told me about old urban-suburban initiative

   ○ Suggested I talk to NHS sponsor

● Talked to director of Cody Program at church

   ○ Receptive to the idea and gave me a few ideas

Again, these bullet points are just rough notes to myself. They help me to relive the situation in my head. With these highlights and other details of the story down, it will also be easier to write down the story.

Near the end of a busy summer, I finally started writing my essays. The initial drafts of the two essays under discussion are in Exhibit 4. I chose the first story because I thought it demonstrated courage and confidence. I thought the second essay showed problem-solving skills, leadership, a proactive mindset, innovation and a desire to help the community. This last characteristic especially is a great one to have. Any college that accepts you makes an investment in your future, so admissions officers would like to see that your education will benefit not only you, but others as well.

Like many students, I wish I could have started sooner on my essays. If possible, finish the first draft of each major essay by the time school starts. That way, you can immediately send your essays to your teachers and other mentors for feedback and have sufficient time to make changes.

Exhibit 4a. Initial draft of the Pan essay (Common App essay), 380 words

I glance quickly at the theater students sitting around me, steel myself quietly, and raise my hand high to volunteer. My teacher, Mrs. Tini, calls on me, and I stand up. The room is silent. I hear the piano opening to “Uggawug” from Peter Pan to my left, but my face is glued to my music sheet. The pressure from the crowd of eyes surrounding me is stifling.

“Uggawug uggawug uggawug uggawug wa,” I sing, my voice thin and taut as a high-wire.

“Uggawug uggawug uggawug uggawug wa,” I repeat. If I was in the kitchen or the shower at home, I would sing with soulful mellow notes that form in my belly and roll off the tip of my tongue like lozenges. Instead, the butterflies in my stomach constrict the air flow to my throat. By the time I reach the third line, I can’t keep up with the song. I force out only lonely strings of notes in between gasps for air. Up and down my chest heaves.

“Sit down, dear,” my teacher says abruptly. I do sit, keeping my eyes laser-focused on my leather shoes.

“Very often, our breath is the first thing to go when we’re nervous,” Mrs. Tini says, addressing the class. “But when we’re nervous, we have to remember to breathe. When we’re nervous, our breath is our best friend.”

I didn’t feel my face heat up just because I had an audience. I was constantly concerned about what others thought of me, and that caused me to have stage-fright. However, since that day, I have always remembered what Mrs. Tini said. I breathe. I don’t worry about what the audience thinks. As a result, I am unfettered by the thoughts in other people’s heads. During the spring show the following year, I breathed in and sang out the deep savory notes I had always wanted to share with the world. Then, I extended this freedom I found in the theater to other places and other passions. As I looked for an internship in a research lab, I breathed in and called tens of scientists until someone told me yes. I realized that I can’t let fear of others hinder my passion. I just have to breathe in and let it all roll out.

Exhibit 4b. Initial draft of the Cody essay (Harvard supplemental essay), 738 words

Over the past few weeks, I came up with an idea for a community service project. It would be really great if high school students in successful schools across the country would assist students in underprivileged schools through tutoring and other means. I have had many experiences that helped to lead me to this point.

It all started when I joined in on a cleanup project in Detroit with my church. I had long looked forward to doing mission work in the Detroit area and this was the perfect opportunity. The goal of this project was to build up and improve Cody High School as well as the surrounding area. So on Friday and Saturday, we picked up litter from highways and cleaned up abandoned houses and yards near the school. It was hard work, and it was rewarding. As I hunched beside the sidewalk, picking up trash, I realized how much better the road looked behind me than in front of me and I was encouraged. I also saw that even a small group of dedicated people can make a big impact. This project has contributed to my desire to help out underprivileged areas. Exactly, how I was not sure.

Later, I realized that a most helpful contribution might be in the academic world. At my school, applying to college is almost a given. However, I listened to some podcasts about Cody High and other urban schools across the country that was quite eye-opening. I realized that 50% of Cody students are failing a class and that, along with many other schools, it has a serious dropout problem. Many students survive on extra credit assignments and “recovery credit” classes. Although these students clearly have just as much potential to succeed as any others, they still trail behind the top schools. But, what if they experienced camaraderie and friendship with successful students? What if students failing biology received help and encouragement from other students getting As? I think a system of tutoring might help some of these students to escape a troubled education system and a cycle of poverty.

From my own experience, I know that tutoring can have a significant impact on students’ lives. When I was in elementary and middle school, my tutor was my father. I will never forget how I felt when, in the fifth grade, I brought home a poor score on an algebra exam. For a while, I had been feeling overwhelmed by the math class, but I didn’t anticipate a score one percent above failing. However, with my father’s help, I absorbed the concepts and mechanical techniques I had been missing and passed the class with an A. I have continued to excel at math since then. In high school, I began to do some tutoring of my own. Like me, all the students I have tutored have the potential to excel in their classes. For many, all that is needed is confidence, good study habits and good test taking habits. I love it because it gives me a chance to pay it forward and use my talents to help other students. Instead of just tutoring students at my school, where students learn in a positive and supportive environment, I would really like to help students in the inner city.

The National Honor Society (NHS) was the impetus for my community service idea. I realized that most successful students at my high school (and many others) tutor in order to be part of NHS. However, all of that tutoring must happen within the school district. As a result, these outstanding students are tutoring others who have the same highly trained teachers, positive learning environment and motivation that they have. What if we flipped this phenomenon? What if students at my high school would help students at schools that are less fortunate? Not only could we help them learn their material, but we could reshape their attitudes about school with encouragement and positive peer pressure.

Recently, I have discussed this project with my principal, the sponsor of NHS at my high school, and the community pastor at my church who directs the partnership with Cody High School. Since they are so receptive to and interested in this project, I am confident that in the near future, it will become a reality. It will be a great way to use what I have learned in school and about my community to give back.

I wrote many iterations of each essay that included the input of my reviewers. While fine-tuning your essays, try to choose only a handful of readers and don't feel the need to revise your essay for every criticism you receive. For best results, choose reviewers that write well and are familiar with the application process. The final versions that I submitted to the Common App are in Exhibit 5.

Exhibit 5a. Final version of the Pan essay (Common App essay), 448 words, version 9

--Stage Fright, Exit Stage Left--

I glance quickly at the theater students sitting around me, brace myself quietly and raise my hand high to volunteer. My teacher, Mrs. Tini, calls on me, and I stand up. The room is dead silent. To my left, I hear the piano opening to the song “Uggawug” from the play “Peter Pan,” but my face is glued to my music sheet. The pressure from the crowd of eyes surrounding me is stifling.

“Uggawug uggawug uggawug uggawug wa,” I sing, my voice suddenly thin and taut as a high wire.

“Uggawug uggawug uggawug uggawug wa,” I repeat. If I were home in my kitchen or shower, I would sing with soulful mellow notes that form in my belly and roll off the tip of my tongue like lozenges. Instead, the butterflies in my stomach constrict the air flow to my throat. By the time I reach the third line, I am painfully out of rhythm. I force out lonely strings of notes in between gasps for air. Up and down my chest heaves.

“Sit down, dear,” my teacher says abruptly. I do sit, keeping my eyes laser-focused on my leather shoes.

“Very often, our breath is the first thing to go when we’re nervous,” Mrs. Tini says, addressing the class. “But when we’re nervous, we have to remember to breathe. Our breath is our best friend.”

When I got up to perform, I didn’t feel my face heat up just because I had an audience. In fact, I was constantly concerned about what others thought of me, and those doubts gave me stage fright. However, since that day, I have always remembered what Mrs. Tini said. I breathe. I don’t worry about what spectators think but instead rely on the preparation, talent and confidence within me. As a result, I am unfettered by the thoughts in other people’s heads. During the spring musical the following year, I finally breathed in and sang out the deep savory notes I had always wanted to share with the world.

Then, I extended this freedom I found in theater to other places and passions. As I looked for an internship in a research lab, I breathed in and called scores of biomedical scientists until someone told me “yes.” I have also been able to help some of my friends to overcome their stage fright. I’ve helped some to get better prepared for their theater performances. Others, I’ve been able to simply encourage to speak up during meetings by gently coaxing them. I have realized that we cannot let fear of others hinder our passions. We just have to breathe in and let it all roll out.

Exhibit 5b. Final version of the Cody essay (Harvard supplemental essay), 498 words, version 9

--Connecting Dots--

 .  .  . I recently helped clean up around Cody High School with my church. I had long looked forward to doing mission work in inner-city Detroit and this was the perfect opportunity. As I picked up litter from highways and around abandoned houses near Cody, I couldn’t help wondering about the kids there. Through some radio podcasts, I learned about the dire academic and graduation outcomes of Codies.

 Puzzling was one of my early passions! I notice puzzles everywhere, like in cryptograms, Super Mario and Scrabble. I’ve also found them in cancer genetics at the NIH, standardized exams, college selection, and even God’s mysterious plan of salvation. I just came up with a wonderful community idea to help Cody High by connecting several seemingly unrelated events.

 More dots:

.  .  . I launched Health Science Club (HSC) at my school last year but, during our first year we didn’t get any underrepresented minorities besides yours truly.

.  .  . During an HSC board meeting, I was struggling with connecting everyone on Skype when my mom suggested I try a free telephone conferencing tool. Since then, this tool has greatly facilitated our meetings.

.  .  . I was recently invited to join the National Honor Society (NHS). One of their distinct features is a tutoring requirement. I’d already enjoyed tutoring some of our science students.

 As I rehashed these and other experiences while working on scholarship and college applications, I was struck by how interesting it would be for kids at my high school to help Codies through tutoring.

 I believe a key ingredient is student leadership with peers helping peers. In my experience with HSC, it’s clear that both club leaders and members get so much more out of their involvement when they have ownership of their efforts. They also get better responses from adults when the latter see that the students are the ones looking for and designing solutions.

 In addition, some Codies already sit in computer rooms during school for make-up classes. On a technical level, there are several commercial platforms available for online tutoring. But we can also think about creating something on our own or partnering with organizations like Khan Academy.

 I’ve already talked to several people about this initiative, like my principal, science teachers and NHS sponsor, as well as the assistant pastor that directs the Cody outreach program at my church. They’re all very encouraging and ready to give us as much support as possible.

 I realize that I might only be able to get the ball rolling since it’s my last year in high school. But with the right student motivation and involvement, I envision virtually every NHS chapter adopting this program with some of the most academically gifted students all over the country reaching out to support their cohorts in some of the neediest schools. Beyond tutoring, I see increased understanding, more friendships, safer communities, and more teens replacing poverty with new dreams .  .  .

Summary and Suggestions

In all, I wrote about two dozen distinct essays and mini essays for college and scholarship applications in this way. To recap, this process consists of brainstorming, outlining, drafting, asking for feedback, revising and editing. Remember, choose a story that makes you shine and use your best judgment during the revision process.

Good luck and if you have any questions, just ask! Do you have any advice on the college admissions process? Be sure to leave it in the comments.

Tags

#CollegeApplicationEssay #ScholarshipApplicationEssay #EssayWriting #CollegeApplication #CommonApp #HighSchool

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