Despicable Me

"If I get murdered in the city
Go read the letter in my desk
Don't bother with all my belongings, No
Pay attention to the list
Make sure my sister knows I love her
Make sure her mother knows the same
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name"

-Murder in the City by the Avett Brothers

Its one of those things that I wish I had never seen or heard.  Even compounding that is the fact that I have seen it so many different times, maybe not to this extent but with the same intentions.  Two brothers, adults at least in age, broke out in an argument over who would gain possession of their mother's home after her death.  I was told that this quarrel started indoors and spilled outside of the house.  Two grown men came to blows, and several days later the younger spotted a still very visible black eye.  They began with words and ended with fists, all the while their mother was lying in a bed dying as her children lashed out at each other.  

  The problem was that the younger brother had to move back in with his mother after his marriage failed several years prior, and he had stayed.  Then, he began to care for her as her health began to fail. The older brother had either assumed or been told by his mother that his oldest son would one day take possession of her home after her death.  As her days grew short, both sons' tempers grew short as well.  The younger had no intention to move out after her death, and the older wanted the younger gone as soon as their mother passed away.  Neither was willing to budge, and harsh words began to fly.  

I was the hospice chaplain assigned to go out and try to make sense of this craziness.  I prayed as I drove, not knowing what to expect when I pulled into the driveway.  Luckily, the brothers had decided that only one would be at the house with their mother at a time; and so, I found the younger home with her by himself. He was still smarting from the brawl over the weekend.  The conversation with him was tense and awkward at times, and the best I could do was get his promise to not air grievances in front of their mother again.  The anger was still prevalent but we were able to agree that it would upset their mother to realize that this was taking place between her boys. They could agree to at least be civil in her presence, beyond that, all bets were off.

I wish that I could say that family squabbles over furniture or cars or land were few and far between, but I see this scenario play out over and over again.  People get defensive, angry, and fearful over what will become theirs or what they fear they will lose.  Either way, it feels like I am experiencing humanity at our worst in moments like this as blood relatives turn on each other.  Old family tension and drama come to the forefront  as one of the family members is making ready to depart this world.  Common decency seems to be nowhere to be found.  It seems so selfish and unnecessary.

As strange as this may sound,  I often think back to the apostle Paul and a statement that he referred to himself as "The chief of sinners" in 1 Timothy 1:15. He wrote most of the New Testament, started several churches, served as an ambassador, missionary, preacher, and church planter.  I realize that he had done some terrible things in his early life, but since his conversion he had been one of he main motivators of the Christian faith.  How could he view himself in such a fashion?  If Paul took that view of himself, how should I be motivated to view me?  How do I apply Paul's example in my life?

In my interaction with people motivated by greed or fears, people intent on getting what is due them, I can feel my self-righteousness rise to the surface.  I begin to think that I am not a sinner like them, that my sins don't run as red, that I don't offend God in the same manner.  I begin to play the comparison game, that if we weighed their sins against mine, then mine would be lighter, less offensive, and more acceptable.  CS Lewis said, "To be a Christian is to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

The application of Paul's thought is that it creates an environment where I can reach out in love to people that are struggling to believe that they can trust him with the circumstances of their life. The situation is only complicated further if I enter it with a haughty prideful manner.  I can be less focused on trying to fix them based on my own self righteous attitude, even as they are blinded by envy, doubt, or greed.  I can begin to show genuine concern and set a precedence where love can motivate actions beginning with Christ's example and try to mimic that love myself.  

 They can be encouraged that even if they don't get the material possessions that they covet, then things will still turn out well.  I can tell them that Jesus advised us "but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal."  I can also remind them that most importantly, they have experienced something that can't be taken, love.  No matter what material possession they do or don't get, they walk away with cherished memories of their loved one and no one can take that away.

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today. And they believe that this is freedom. The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder.”
-Fydor Dostoyevsk The Brothers Karamazov