Desire versus Fear
Digby Scott
Master Facilitator | Leadership Development | Change Expert | Podcast Host | Author
We all harbour two things:
1. A desire to be significant
2. Fears about our ability to be significant
These two things compete for our attention all the time. Which one do we listen to? The desire, or the fear?
Our desire to be significant is…significant. We want to be seen. We want to matter. As we’ve seen, the need for belonging and connection is a fundamental driver of the human motivation to act.?
When we were younger, our strategies for being significant were relatively immature. We’d try to please others. We’d throw a tantrum to be heard. We’d try to control everything. Some of us hold onto these strategies well into adulthood. Because these strategies work. They can give us a sense of security and we feel like we’re seen. We matter.
The problem is, they’re limited. Because they’re driven by fear. A fear that if you’re not seen, you don’t matter. You’re insignificant.
As we get older, most of us begin to rise above our insecurities and turn our attention outwards. How can I make a difference to others? How can I improve the world beyond myself? Our focus is on making a difference in the wider world. The desire for significance takes on new meaning.
The challenge is to make the desire bigger than the fear.
If we listen to the voice of fear, we’ll amplify it. If we listen to our desire, that gets to play centre stage.
Which voice are you listening to?
OD, L&D and Management Consultant
2 个月Alternatively, one might embrace the advantage of being useless (or insignificant): A sage, in rambling about the heights of Shang, saw a large and extraordinary tree. The teams of a thousand chariots might be sheltered under it, and its shade would cover them all. Said the sage, "What a tree this is! It must contain an extraordinary amount of timber!" The sage looked up at the smaller branches and saw they were so twisted and crooked that they could not be made into rafters or beams. At the root its stem was divided into so many rounded portions that neither coffin nor shell could be made from them. Licking one of the leaves left the mouth feeling torn and wounded, for three whole days together! "This indeed is a tree good for nothing, and it is thus that it has reached so great an age." The cinnamon tree can be eaten, and therefore is cut down. The varnish tree is useful, and therefore incisions are made in it. All know the advantage of being useful, but no one knows the advantage of being useless. - Chuang Tzu (dead now, a long time ago).
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2 个月The other approach is to make your fear smaller than your desire. The difficulty with the approach of making your desire bigger than your fear is that fear tends to grow with desire. The more we want something the more we tend to be afraid it won't happen. Increasing desire can be counter productive as the increase in fear creates more resistance and can easily outpace our desire. If we focus more on dissolving or fears then we need less desire in order to get results. A little desire can go a long way when the resistance is reduced. When we feel safe and comfortable to change and grow then it is much easier to do so. Kindness and playfulness are two ways we can reduce our fears due to increasing our feelings of safety and comfort. As our fear reduces then our area of comfort grows. This allows us to be able to achieve what would otherwise be outside of comfort comfortably without the resistance that tend to come with fear and discomfort.